Eldest child not invited to wedding but sister is

[BYU]

I have name changed for this.

Husband’s male cousin is getting married at the end of April. Medium wedding, in a hotel, children are invited.

He has a close family and we see this cousin often. When they moved house they had a bit of an all hands on deck situation and we dropped everything to help them.

On that occasion we met the bride’s sister and BiL who was there with their baby (they have had another child since then), and her husband’s 10 year old. The bride’s BiL has an additional two children from his previous marriage.

They have not invited my eldest child who is 10 from my first marriage to their wedding, when my husband queried this cousin reminded him that bride will have to invite her sister’s three stepchildren.

My husband is to all intents and purposes my daughter’s father, she doesn’t see her own father.

The bride’s BiL’s children live mostly with their mother.

I am really unhappy and want to decline the invitation or as a compromise leave both the children at home. Husband wants to go and feels he can’t leave our six year old at home if her cousins are going.

I feel now I have to decline just for myself if he won’t support me.

Who is being unreasonable? Me or DH?

I think it’s important to note that the eldest daughter doesn’t see her bio father and the family on tha side.
it’s easier when they see the family on that side as they’ll always be things they are invited to that the younger sister isn’t. They’ll be shared custody and days that are with the other parent. OPs oldest daughter doesn’t have this so for the entirety of younger daughters life and beyond they have been a family with eldest daughter included.
this makes the whole situation really sad.
also, the other stepchildren that haven’t been invited are a trio not a singleton being excluded.
surely the eldest has always been included in the family events as there’s been no other extended family on bio fathers side for her to be with and the wedding makes a deviation from the norm.

Oh My! This just gets worse.. you're lying (at least by omission) to your eldest that you're not invited either!
What happens when she finds out? It's very likely she will.

He can't force his family to see DD1 as their relative, however he feels about her. And his wider family didn't 'take on' DD1, they had no say. It's not DHs family's fault that DD1s wider family don't bother with her, and they clearly don't think they are her family or that they should make up for her own dad's family not being involved.

I don't agree with what the b&g have chosen to do, but you can't force DH's family to see her as their own and they clearly don't feel ashamed so calling them out on WhatsApp is just going to cause drama and not get OP what she wants.

DD2 has an involved wider family, DD1 doesn't, that's the situation and you can't force DD2s family to want make up for DD1s family. OP and her DH have blended, and expect other family members to cash the cheques they've written by stepping into the gap for DD1 whether they see things the same or not. You can't force them to see DD1 as family and obviously they don't.

This is going to blow up at some point or other, whether it's in the near future or the distant future.

Lying doesn't solve anything.

Does your DD see these cousins as her own too?
So all her cousins and her sibling are going and she isn’t?

I can honestly say I have never asked her if she feels they are her cousins. They only seem to be interested in the youngest even though two of them are same age as eldest.

None of them are rude or anything.

whether he sees eldest as his daughter I have no idea,

I have an idea. The answer is No, he doesn't.

Seems like there has been signs all along that the rest of the family including children don’t see or treat your oldest as family.

Id assume comments have likely been made to your dh.

Is that a bad thing?

He can love his step daughter, enjoy her company and be glad she’s part of the family but he doesn’t have to see her as his daughter, because she isn’t. That’s just a biological fact and he shouldn’t be shamed for that.

And that’s a shame but that doesn’t mean that the rules have to be changed just because the eldest doesn’t see her paternal family.

If she did, the OP wouldn’t be insisting that her youngest was invited to stuff with her when she went to see her paternal family.

I agree with you. If they were to divorce and OP remarries, I doubt he will have much contact with the 10 year old but would have shared custody of his 6 year daughter.

Surely this is the sort of thing that you discuss before settling down with someone. Obviously you can't control how their extended family feels about the stepchild but you can make sure you're on the same page with your partner.

Didn't say it was bad or not.

OP said she wasn't sure how he saw his SD.

Seems obvious how he views her. When push comes to shove, she is expendable at the expense of his blood daughter and family's feelings.

You could just as easily flip this round, though, to say that if the younger daughter was prevented from attending the wedding, that would mean she was expendable to accommodate his stepdaughter and wife's feelings.

It's obviously a difficult and upsetting situation that the OP is in, but I commend her for not sacrificing her younger daughter's feelings and familial relationships here.

Yes, you could flip it.

But that wasn't what OP was unsure about - how he viewed her younger child. She was unsure of how he views his SD.

And it seems sadly quite obvious how he views her.

Oh so the Bride and Grooms excuse is “we have to treat your child badly because if we don’t, it’ll be more obvious that we want to treat some other children in the family badly”.

not inviting children, well fair enough. Only invited close children (eg just bride and grooms siblings’ children) also ok. Picking and choosing amongst siblings- not ok.

Just decline.

@BYUif you want to avoid upsetting your 6 year old because she has a right to go, then book something fun that night. Book a weekend away so you can’t go to uncles wedding because you’ll be having a zoo sleep over or going to legoland etc. what you don’t do, is teach your 10 year old she is less important and not real family.

as a side issue, this couple have made it clear you are only family if blood relations- not related by marriage. So you are equally not family as your dd1. I wouldn’t be rushing to help them again, they can ask their real blood family in the future. I hope they are embarrassed by their terrible treatment of children in the future, sadly people like this usually aren’t good at feeling shame.

i agree

I feel sorry for your eldest.
She has a father who wants nothing to do with her
A step father who plays the doting father until push comes to shove and then she isn’t family
And a mother who is more concerned about upsetting her youngest dd than she is of upsetting her eldest

I think that there are deeper issues

This thing about not upsetting your youngest is going to explode at some point. You seem oblivious to the harm you are doing to her and allowing other to treat her terribly. I get the impression that 6 year old is the Golden child in this family.

Instead of saying you don’t want to upset your youngest how about not upsetting your eldest as well

The only person at fault here is your dp. If you are a family, well families stick together so either everyone goes to the wedding or no-one goes to the wedding !

When people want to blen families they do it to suit themselves not everyone has read the newsletter put out on how other people should manage their events. and it seems all the semantics over who should be invited to what only suits the people in the blended family when it suits them

No this is horrible. All this 6yo will be upset that her cousins are there and she's not. What about 10yo being upset that HER cousins are there AND her sister and she's not?! You're going to explain to a 10yo that she's not her dad's real family so she needs to understand that she will be excluded from family celebrations absolutely not.

You book something else and tell the kids "oh its a shame we have to miss the wedding but we're at the seaside/butlins/legoland/whatever you can afford at a push instead of wedding outfits, drinks and a gift. Your "husband" can go to the wedding if he wants but the kids are busy with you.

My eldest is not my DHs biological child. Under no circumstances would he ever, nor would I allow him to, exclude OUR eldest child.

When you marry someone you do it to suit yourself, your family don't choose them but they include them. OP isn't related to the bride or groom, but she's invited because her husband chose to make a family with her, he also chose her daughter to be family but she's excluded.

You are going to have a day free with your eldest without your younger child. That provides an opportunity for a rare older child focused day. It doesn’t have to be about distraction. You should take advantage of this opportunity and do things just for this child.

Same reason some couples only invite teenagers not younger children or only girls to be part of the bridal party or only toddlers but not babies even if all biological connected sure sounds to complicated to keep track to me but it is their event they invite who they want too, it doesnt have to make sense to the parent of the children