Dd, autism and cake - Thread 2

[bendmeoverbackwards]

I had no idea that my first thread would fill up and I am in awe and overwhelmed at the amount of support.

I am going to re-read all the responses and make a plan. Thank you, this has been eye opening.

Is there a part of you, OP, that secretly enjoys being the one who is her ‘safe person’?

@outofsounds absolutely not, I hate the responsibility of it. I want to get on and enjoy my life without the worry about dd and have the freedom that other people with similarly aged dc enjoy.

Dh and I have started to go away for short breaks just the 2 of us and want to build this up.

Hi OP glad to track down your second thread. Any news on the cake front?

Nope not as yet.

However the events of the last week have triggered some communication from dd. She sent me a long WhatsApp message and asked me to listen. She said -

-she’s hated birthdays since the age of 14, she didn’t want to turn the next age

-when I’m cold or distant to her, she feels completely alone and that it should be possible to treat her life an adult without being cold

-she became a shell of herself post diagnosis, something switched in her life the day it happened

-how I lied to her face about the true intentions (ie autism assessment) and that saying it was related to a secondary school was a lie

-trauma changes your brain and makes her act in a way that’s not like her. She hates being miserable but when you go through things like she has, it changes you

😢

I don’t know what to think. In a way maybe it’s a good thing that she has opened up so explicitly.

I know she was only 11 but in hindsight I should have been more honest with her and I do regret that.

I can’t just brush this off as dramatic 🤷‍♀️

It’s making me wonder whether she’s been through some other trauma you don’t know about, around the age of 14? It sounds like she’s genuinely distressed but I find it really hard to believe all these dark references to trauma etc essentially relate to you taking her to a doctor for an assessment. Maybe she’s pinning the trauma on that because whatever else happened is just too hard to think about? I don’t know.

I get that she won’t see a doctor but would she go to something like music therapy or just an art class that would give her a reason to leave the house and move her feelings around?

Tread carefully OP. Some of this may be genuine but it may also be designed to manipulate you.

For example, have you ever been cold or distant with her? Or is she just saying that to make you feel bad?

OP, I remember your last thread - I wanted to post at the time but didn't get the chance.

I just wanted to show some solidarity. I have never posted about it on here before, but my daughter and I have experience of dealing with family members whose autism can cause challenges - my elderly cousin in particular. Her recent behaviour towards us, around my dad's death and her inability to cope with or even acknowledge our grief, has led to the rest of the family, bascially everyone apart from DD and I, no longer wanting to have much to do with her.

I won't detail it all, but not only did she provide no support or even offer verbal condolences, she in fact got quite shitty with me when, for example, I was unable to go and meet her to take her the new phone I had purchased for her, the day after my father died in my presence after a long and gruelling illness.

Of course, I understand that it is her autism that causes her to respond in ways that are often baffling, and can seem very heartless. And fullyI believe that she does truly love us, despite the fact that this is often not detectable by any of the human senses!

However, that does not always make it easy to accept her actions and ignore the hurt they cause us....

Anyway, sorry, that's all about me - it's just that a lot of the conflicting emotions you described around your daughter's behaviour felt really familiar when I read about them

There's a balance to be struck, isn't there, between support and tolerance towards the loved one in question, and necessary self care and acknowledging your own, totally justifiable, feelings of frustration and hurt.

I know that I don't always get it right, far from it.

He kind to yourself, remember there is no rule book. All you can do is your best.

What helps me, when it's difficult, is to try to find more love. Both for the person in question, and for myself.

Sorry if this doesn't make much sense - it's hard to talk about this stuff sometimes. It's so personal. But actually, talking and sharing and hearing others' experience can, I think, only be a good thing.

I think what she means by cold and distant is perhaps not overly warm/loving. I would say neutral. So sometimes I might to her ‘that sounds awful, I’m sorry you’re suffering, I love you very much’ which she likes obviously, but it I say fewer words or a briefer answer, that’s perceived as ‘cold’.

In which case I think you can explain to her that that is not being cold or distant. That you are entitled to disagree with her, or tell her to do something, or focus on yourself or someone other than her, or have your own ups and downs.

She really does need to learn that you cannot constantly exist in a state of supplication and service to her. You are not a robot.

By framing it as you being cold or distant, she is mischaracterising your perfectly normal behaviours as something bad. That makes you feel guilty and has to stop.

I think this is great advice OP - you've done enough.

I've followed your thread and just wanted to say you sound wonderful. You've done so much but it really is okay to take a firmer stance now (both my kids are ND so I really do empathise)

What ‘trauma’ has she been through?

She wants to be treated as an adult but seems to be terminally 14. Explain to be treated as an adult you have to act like one,
and tantrums over cake are not an adult behaviour.

Wow

She says how can she act like an adult when she feels she’s ‘missed’ her teen years?

@Playingvideogames I guess either the diagnosis itself, or the fact that I lied to get her to the assessment. Or both.

What do you mean @Barnbrack ?

OP you have the patience of a saint and I hope you and your DD can move past/through this together.

We had a support nurse for the first 6 months after our diagnosis ... I remember telling how bad I felt about this or that in the past and how I'd responded or dealt with it.

She said to "You can only do your best with the information you have at the time" and beating myself up about it wouldn't do any good.

You needed to get her into the Dr to get the diagnosis so you could be better informed to support her, telling a little white lie at the time was in her best long term interests.

I think you deserve a break about this one - she's made her feelings clear about it. It can't be changed. It's time for her to move on from it.

I work for a humanitarian aid charity and see first hand the struggles some people have. I talk about it at home, dd accuses me of guilt tripping.

But that said, someone else’s trauma is their business and no one else can say if they are justified in feeling that way. It’s a very personal thing. For example if a woman experienced difficult childbirth and was traumatised, you wouldn’t tell her it’s not that bad and other women have far worse. It’s not a race to the bottom.

OP I'm glad to have found this. Hang in there and ignore the ableist posts that crop up.

How sad that they seek to diminish the experience of neurodiverse young people & their families.

That’s because childbirth can be traumatising.

Your daughter isn’t traumatised. She’s thinking herself up her own bottom (not your fault) because relentless introspection is practically encouraged now.

Keep talking about the world and how lucky she is. Please don’t keep her in a gilded cage where she sets the tone.

She’s had a bloody good life and needs to realise that.

It isn’t ableist to point out OP’s DD is a nightmare and part of the reason why is because everyone has tiptoed around her as ‘ND’ rather than treating her as the accountable young woman she is.

Have you seen OP’s latest thread and indeed her previous threads? Her daughter has been abusive to her family for years (calling her sister “it” or “thing”, telling her father to fuck off, controlling and manipulating her mother). Something needs to change.

I'm so sorry that happened. And I totally get what you mean.

When my DD's getting me down I make a PowerPoint of her being happy doing nice things! It was a tip I got from Jeffrey Bernstein's book 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child. Actually, that's a good read, OP.

Have you told her why you arranged the assessment? Because her behaviour and misphonia made you think she was autistic, and you wanted her to get support in secondary school. And you didn't think she woukd go, and then wouldn't get the support. And the school refusing and behaviour over the cake fits in with autism? What would she say to that?

Have you explored why she doesn't want to be autistic? Her sister is, and is living a full life from the sound of it. Why is it such a negative thing for her?