Dd, autism and cake - Thread 2

[bendmeoverbackwards]

I had no idea that my first thread would fill up and I am in awe and overwhelmed at the amount of support.

I am going to re-read all the responses and make a plan. Thank you, this has been eye opening.

I agree: Ignore all of the past focused stuff unless it was to say does she wish to engage with therapy to deal with this? Make it clear that you don’t keep secrets from her father. The lawyer stuff sounds like not something she is realistically considering but just more negative rumination so not sure I would congratulate her for considering it as that may come off fake or patronising. I’d phase it more like if that’s still something you want to consider I’m happy to help you look for access courses/ work experience with a local firm/ admin job in a legal firm.

Ignoring her constant whining and attempts to manipulate you is much better than giving any attention to that kind of behaviour. You're doing really well to stand firm, it must be incredibly hard dealing with all that every day. 💐 It's probably better to not reply at all, as the more you ignore those kinds of messages and she sees they aren't getting her anywhere, the more likely she is to stop. Her telling you not to tell your DH isn't on at all, she likely sees that he's more likely to stand firm and not give in to her which is why she doesn't want him involved. I don't know if encouraging law is a good idea really, as it doesn't sound very achievable from what you've said. Not necessarily that she wouldn't be academically able enough, more just in terms of the effort and maturity required.

I wouldn't respond to any of that except maybe for her order(!) to not tell her Dad. Remind DD that you and DH are both her parents and that you usually do both share what she tells you with each other, and you can't promise not to.

You and her father are a parenting team; that's what you are trying to get across to her. She is still saying things that undermine that, maybe for real or maybe just out of habit. Don't go along with it.

I wouldn't go into the law stuff with her. She's not ready. Wait for her to show real signs of readiness, like bringing you some informaiton or asking for help.

Honestly, I’d ignore her messages from now on. “Dd, I’m not going to continue messaging you, I’d like to communicate with you properly. Please come and talk to me verbally in person if you’d like to chat”

She is old enough to talk to you. She is just controlling you with her constant messaging, and you are allowing yourself to be controlled and manipulated.

A friend of mine had her son diagnosed at 5. His primary school was great with him but they were very concerned he wouldn't cope at mainstream secondary - school advised her to go to a small private school instead. So she did and her son was furious, wanted to leave. But the new school advised he wouldn't cope in mainstream - they had a huge waiting list so didn't need to keep him. And he stayed there and thrived, went to uni. He still blames his parents for sending him tovthe private school. But really, he has few insights into his areas of need. He is unreasonable and unforgiving but it's part of his condition

@Hellometime Im actually aware of the competitive nature of a law career - dd2 is currently applying for a training contract, so far unsuccessfully. I know I’m biased but she’s an excellent candidate, first class History degree from Bristol, an avid reader and hugely knowledgeable on many subjects. She got down to the last 50 for a London firm vacation scheme (from 900 applicants) when she was a second year student. She’s away travelling at the moment and plans to start the conversion course then SQE in September and hope she’ll get a TC along the way. So competitive, even for open days!

I can see the huge difference between her and dd3 in this regard.

Good luck to DD2. You will be aware if your other dd is currently applying. I just mentioned it as some have no idea how brutally competitive it is or not up to date about SQE.
Did you respond to DD3?
It must be hard if she sees DD2 living the life she’d like but is so stuck. I think you said they got on. Would she consider meeting DD2 on her travels for a short holiday.

Dd2 is actually coming home next week after 4 months away. She’s been with friends mostly (some bits solo) so don’t think it would have been appropriate for dd3 to join. But they do get on very well and maybe a holiday for the two of them might be a possibility.

I told dd3 that a possible law career sounds interesting. Then I deleted the rest of the messages unanswered. She always bugs me late at night - she’s asked me if I was going to answer the other messages. I didn’t want to say I’m not doing that any more as it would have a sparked a whole long conversation. So I just said I would have a look tomorrow.

It doesn’t need to spark a ‘conversation’ though does it? It’s just texts that you can delete. It’s pretty one way and boring and in no way a useful conversation.

I think you do need to tell her eg tomorrow that you are not engaging in discussion via text or any other means about the past because you feel it is not helpful to her.

It’s a horrible maladaptive pattern that you are both stuck in that you need to change where she just repeatedly tells you the same stuff about the diagnosis etc that makes you feel bad and you presumably have been responding in a placating way out of misplaced guilt. It’s telling that she just wants to keep this between you and her and not to involve dad. It’s characteristic of an enmeshed relationship. She is getting something out of this interaction because she keeps trying to invite you in to it. She interprets you responding in the way she is used to as a nice, loving thing. It isn’t though. It’s keeping her stuck in those thought patterns and inaction and therefore it will be more loving in fact to stop responding and reinforcing that behaviour.

It doesn’t need to spark a ‘conversation’ though does it? It’s just texts that you can delete. It’s pretty one way and boring and in no way a useful conversation.

She’ll ask me face to face to answer her messages. If I tell her I won’t engage because it’s not helpful to her, she’ll insist it IS helpful to her (or even necessary) then an argument ensues.

When she does this, would it be worth trying to say, 'I’m not discussing this again' (or something similar) once, and then, if she carries on, completely ignoring her and not replying to anything unless she starts talking about something more sensible?

It’s hugely dysfunctional in itself to ask someone face to face to answer some text messages right? If you are together such that you can speak to them then you dont need to answer messages surely.

Maybe it’s a mistake to offer a reason centred on her that she can disagree with. You could offer no reason just ‘ I have decided that this is not in your interests and I won’t debate that’ or a reason centered on you ‘I am finding going over this depressing. I have said all I can say on the topic and am withdrawing to protect my own mental health/ wellbeing’ Play them at their own game. Everyone’s allowed boundaries right even mums?

I think some boundaries around messaging in general are called for; no messaging me overnight or at work unless life or limb threatening emergency, no messaging whilst in the same house you can speak to me face to face, I will not reply to rude/ abusive/ blaming messages. You say it once in writing and then you can reference back to that and not have to have this argument again.

There will be an ‘extinction burst’ of messaging and this might be it but it will die out over time when the behaviour is not rewarded by being responded to.

Why don’t you say ‘ I’m here now , was theee something important you needed to discuss? ‘ and put your notifications on silent to messages from her to let her know who you won’t be answering immediately?

Would a few stock phrases help you when interacting with her when she's like this?

"I'm not discussing this with you"
"That's interesting. Let me know how you get on"
"Me and your Dad are a team. We talk about everything" etc Rinse and repeat.

As it sounds like she is relentless and almost grinds you down into yet another discussion about the past. And, this might be a leap, but she sounds as though she's draining you of any resolve at the hint of change.

If you have some stock phrases it could help you in the moment and give her a consistent response to her battering.

My immediate reaction to that is well it’s not helpful to me Dd. I’d say I’m happy to talk in person about your plans to move forward but multiple messages aren’t appropriate especially if I’m out or at work. We’ve already discussed about not raking over old ground as it isn’t helping anything. It’s encouraging unhealthy abusive behaviour from her and you are entitled to protect your own mental health. I bet you feel bombarded. If she argues back don’t engage walk away. Your husband can back you up. Your mum has told you she doesn’t want multiple messages you need to listen. You aren’t her punching bag.

The late night thing too. It’s fine for her as she’s probably up most of night on tik tok and lying in bed all morning.
You are entitled to bedtime of your choice and calm not your mind whirring with latest she’s dumping on you when you’ve got to be up at 7am or whenever for work and work a full day.
Boundaries. Let’s have a chat after work tomorrow DD 3 I’m having a cup of tea and reading my book now I’ve got such a busy day in office tomorrow. She isn’t the boss of you.

She is. VERY persistent. Many times I have walked away, she will follow me. I’ve left the house and gone for a walk or a drive, when I come back she’s waiting for me. Late night conversations in our room, I’ve tried to ignore her or close my eyes, she nudges me and WILL NOT leave when asked to.

Frankly that is abusive behaviour. I'd say that to her bluntly - you preventing me from sleeping & trying to control when I respond to you is abusive. Look up coercive control - that's what she's doing and you need to be really blunt with her.

It obviously isn’t helpful though or it wouldn’t need to be repeated constantly. Just say “it clearly isn’t helpful as nothing good comes of it.”

100% this.

Part of helping your DD launch into adulthood will be you refusing to be controlled by her. Because how can she live and work with other adults if she thinks this is how to conduct herself? She will have no friends and no job because no one else would put up with this shit. You must show her the consequences of her actions so that she can learn to behave in a considerate and constructive way - it’s not mean, it’s necessary.

This is just awful - I'm so sorry this is happening to you. You have every right to peace in your own home 💐

This is terrible. It’s really not OK for her to behave like that at 19. How will she ever have a healthy relationship if she behaves like that to other people? Often when you post something it seems quite outrageously bad behaviour from outside. I can only guess you have been putting up with it for so long that it seems OK to you when it really really is not. I’d get a lock for my bedroom door!

That’s abusive. You need a lock on your bedroom door - ring a handyman today. A very firm go away.
Where is your husband in all this?
He needs to be backing you up - leave your mum alone.

Please start a new thread Op for support this is almost full again