Went to wedding reception without me

[Caton]

Yesterday morning, I asked my partner whether one of his friends got married last year - he had said mid year that his friend was getting married after the summer. I had heard nothing since and it popped into my head - thinking oh did the wedding actually go ahead. He said, yes I went to the reception. Unbeknownst to me. That weekend, he had stayed at his brothers house which is a 3/4 hour drive to this wedding reception. His only child also attends university about 20 minutes away from the venue. He only told me he was driving up to spend some time with his child. I had no idea about that being the reception/wedding date. He reserved a hotel when he got the invite (which I never saw) and didn't say that either. I was incensed - and frankly incandescent - so much that I hopped in the car drove to get a coffee and some fresh air. He had been staying at mine whilst he had appointments in town - His current situation is rather chaotic. He separated from his long term partner 18 months ago and moved out of the house definitively in October last year. For the past 6 months he has stayed either with his family or with a set of friends house-sitting as they travel quite a bit. He has looked to get his own place but that is still awhile away - and also he will have to put this jointly owned property up for sale in the next 12 months. It seems to me he likes to separate and compartmentalise his relationships. I have never met his child - nor any of his long term friends nor his family members. As a mature woman (formerly married) I find his behaviour, and secrecy very very odd. He seems to think he has done nothing wrong. Oh I didn't mention the difficulty I also have as the friend who got married is female and her close friend was in a casual relationship for many years with my partner, whilst he was living with his former partner - and naturally was present - with her partner at this wedding reception. I just find this odd and am reconsidering this relationship. He is panicking and wants to go to couples counselling to discuss - as he doesn't understand why I am so incensed. Am I being unreasonable as I feel like I'm being asked to accept what is frankly unacceptable. He also said the invite was only for him - and that (conveniently) the invite was part of the whatsapp messages that were lost when he upgraded his phone.

Greetings original commenter 🫂
I do find it odd that your partner didn't let you know, at least - Maybe he presumed you'd feel uncomfortable & there'd be a awkward atmosphere as his ex would be present? 🤔
However, it would have been much wiser & better for your relationship, if he'd just come out & communicated this to you - Some have trouble expressing difficult subjects & although I can have some compassion for this fact, he really didn't need to build it up from a molehill to a mountain, even if the fear was just in his mind/thoughts - I don't think he meant any harm or disrespect, but I understand how upsetting it is to be kept in the dark - His lack of openness seems unnecessary as you seem completely reasonable - The fact he wants you both to attend couples counselling, most surely seems positive & he must value & appreciate your relationship & of course you, to be recommending this 🫂
I really hope you both can sort this out & wishing You&Yours all the utmost very best 💚

I think the main issue here is trust tbh. He has already cheated on his previous partner with the friend of the bride of the wedding he sneakily went to whilst supposedly staying at his brothers and seeing his child (who he has never introduced you to along with any family/friends) i am sorry to say you are seemly there for him to use as a free stopover when he has appointments in town. He obviously does not take your feelings into consideration about anything. You are worth so much more than the way he treats you. He does not seem to be a very trustworthy person & I think you know deep down what you need to do and this wedding is just the latest in a long line of issues and doubts you have had and are having.

Red flags all over this - he wants to retrieve the relationship because he wants your financial security. Run for the hills!

It sounds like he has a hard wall up and/or no awareness - he sounds like he needs too much counselling to fix or isn't trying to be fixed. Also the fact that he cheated on his ex - he just sounds a bit sneaky if you ask me. Better off throwing him back (as another poster said) and finding someone more straightforward.

Hello, OP. If this guy really liked and appreciated you, you wouldn't have to question same. The fact that he's not understanding where you're coming from is enough to get rid.

You see the big red flags waving in your face.
It doesn't matter what he or anyone else says. He can't understand why you are upset. So there u go...he absolutely doesn't understand you.
Or he's gaslighting you..
Either way. Nahhhhh. Not worth the hassle.

You're not "the only one" - can him

⬆️ This

I think attending the reception is the least of your worries. Read back what you have just written. You are dating a man who leads an almost itinerant lifestyle that he is in no hurry to change; he has form for casual relationships. He’s not interested in introducing you to his child, family or friends. He really isn’t invested in this relationship. Finish it and move on

His life sounds REALLY complicated.
And the lying and deception would be the real killers for me.

Throw this one back OP.

Id run a mile - I speak from experience. I was with someone for a few years. It was a hard work relationship - mainly because he was reluctant to commit. I found out after we split that he lied when we met about how long he had been seperated - he said a year when it had been a few weeks. That later explained his reluctance and behaviour in compartmentalising things. He kept me away from his daughter and family for 12-18 months. He then said he would make a commitment as he didnt want to lose me. He had no home as the ex was living in the home which was yet to be sold. it was all chaotic and unstable. I was very convenient for him. Long story short it didnt work out. He ended up going after someone he fancied at school who was still with her husband. Ultimately he was not available from the start and lied for his own convenience to keep his life sweet so he could have his cake and eat it. Your situation sounds similar. Once you are no longer convenient or someone better comes along he will be off I think. The messy life, compartmentalised life and deceit are all red flags. You deserve better. Dump his ass.

Sounds like he enjoys juggling women. Makes him feel powerful. Do you really need this especially so early on in a relationship...you could be in for more deception which you dont need in life.

The secrecy is a problem..not meeting his family or friends your not out there as a couple in his eyes ..that tells me he doesn't fully commit to you and keeps a foot in in other parts of his life keeping you separate .
I wouldn't bother with a man like this.

This happened to me some 30 years ago when my partner said I wasn’t invited to her wedding that he was going to with a friend of his even though we were living together turned out he completely lied. I was invited. He lied about so much else turned out that he was a complete old man he lied about everything. Our whole relationship was a complete. Fake
Once a liar was a liar honestly I’d throw this one back now don’t continue with someone who can’t be honest with you. It’s just not worth it because this is just the tip of the iceberg

I think it’s really odd he never mentioned one word about going to wedding , but filled you in on how his son was ill.
He clearly did not want you going with him 🤷🏻‍♀️.
How long you guys together? , seen as you haven’t met his son/ family or friends ?

He has a chequered past, form for cheating openly, “house sits” and yet you still trust him. Could you really not find someone more straightforward and who respects you enough not to lie?

That sort of behaviour is a big red flag.

He is dishonest. I would be wondering what else he is lying about. The trust would be broken for me so I would have to end it.

This.
100% this.

He literally lied about where he was that weekend and what he was doing and attended a wedding reception he hadn’t mentioned he was going to which an ex girlfriend was a part of? And you don’t see the issue?

Honestly though OP, it’s your bad if you know that someone has long term cheated in the past and you start a relationship. Clearly he has no problem keeping a partner and a mistress

@Caton

THIS!!

Also this!!

Trust your gut. Something is off Don’t waste the next 5 yrs of your life working out what….

I think that says it all for me. I wouldn’t want to be with someone who can do that.

Also this…