Went to wedding reception without me

[Caton]

Yesterday morning, I asked my partner whether one of his friends got married last year - he had said mid year that his friend was getting married after the summer. I had heard nothing since and it popped into my head - thinking oh did the wedding actually go ahead. He said, yes I went to the reception. Unbeknownst to me. That weekend, he had stayed at his brothers house which is a 3/4 hour drive to this wedding reception. His only child also attends university about 20 minutes away from the venue. He only told me he was driving up to spend some time with his child. I had no idea about that being the reception/wedding date. He reserved a hotel when he got the invite (which I never saw) and didn't say that either. I was incensed - and frankly incandescent - so much that I hopped in the car drove to get a coffee and some fresh air. He had been staying at mine whilst he had appointments in town - His current situation is rather chaotic. He separated from his long term partner 18 months ago and moved out of the house definitively in October last year. For the past 6 months he has stayed either with his family or with a set of friends house-sitting as they travel quite a bit. He has looked to get his own place but that is still awhile away - and also he will have to put this jointly owned property up for sale in the next 12 months. It seems to me he likes to separate and compartmentalise his relationships. I have never met his child - nor any of his long term friends nor his family members. As a mature woman (formerly married) I find his behaviour, and secrecy very very odd. He seems to think he has done nothing wrong. Oh I didn't mention the difficulty I also have as the friend who got married is female and her close friend was in a casual relationship for many years with my partner, whilst he was living with his former partner - and naturally was present - with her partner at this wedding reception. I just find this odd and am reconsidering this relationship. He is panicking and wants to go to couples counselling to discuss - as he doesn't understand why I am so incensed. Am I being unreasonable as I feel like I'm being asked to accept what is frankly unacceptable. He also said the invite was only for him - and that (conveniently) the invite was part of the whatsapp messages that were lost when he upgraded his phone.

@Stephybris62 yes, they were still living together - however separately seeing other people as separated from the year prior - 2024.

Read the entire thread

@MyMilchick Thank you! Took me awhile to get used to all these acronyms!

@Divebar2021 Sorry to not have seen your post. We have been together 18 months - but known each other 5 years and change. The other lady he was having a casual on-off relationship went from 1999/2000 to 2015. An awfully long time imo. He had a long term partner of 25+ years during this time. They split up in September 2024 - they continued to live in the same house in different rooms (have been to house and can confirm that arrangement). Their kid has been away at uni all that time.

I think the problem is that you think of him as a partner, he thinks of you as a girlfriend. Not at all the same level of commitment.
He hasnt moved in with you, he presumably didnt, at the end of his 2nd failed relationship, intend to get it wrong again.
So he isn't actively looking for the same thing.
Going to a wedding would have given him an opportunity to see old friends, & potentially meet new ones, & being unaccompanied gives out the message, he is unattached, particularly to his X & her friends.
Meanwhile he doesn't want to rock the boat, so deliberately chose to lie & hide this wedding. He did lie, he said he was seeing his dc, he knew & set up the w/e, indicating he was doing something completely different. Deliberate subterfuge.
At the end if the day, he might not even have enjoyed it.
However You do say a lot if good things about him though, I wonder if you & he realigned what you both really want, & whether he decides to be honest(& you believe him ?) you may not have lost this friendship completely

@Mix56 its a tough one. Your assessment of how or what possibilities he presented at the wedding are interesting. I also think my choice of the word partner was and is totally erroneous on my part… and also indicative of how I’d like the relationship to be but clearly is not.

@Caton did his 25 year plus partner know about the on/off fling? It is seeming a bit "open relationship" to me, especially with the seemingly amicable separation and continuing to live together after. In which case, he might have a very much more fluid definition of a relationship than you.
The fact he was actively persuing you before separation also ime points to an open or poly relationship.

He's a shit for lying about the wedding. There was no need for that. I do think some men worry they are going to be "in trouble" if they think their partner wouldn't like something, so hide it rather than cause issues. Or it could also be he is so used to living an almost separate life to his partner, that it didn't occur to him to tell you - he is used to living a double life.

What are your feelings about the relationship? What do you want from him, and does your gut tell you he can give you that?

I think he’s not ready for a relationship snd is keeping all options on the table . He needs time to breathe, to sort his life and just to ‘be’. He can’t do that while in a relationship so i would let him go. so

If you were living together, I would really agree with you.

You don't live together, so it doesn't really matter where he goes

The problems I see is that:

He told you he was going somewhere different that weekend

You haven't yet met his friends and family

I would say, throw this one back into the sea. He is untrustworthy

Are you sure HE thinks you are in a relationship? Bit more openness and respect is needed. His behaviour is only unreasonable in that he didnt tell you, not specifically that he went. Good luck x

He probably hooked up, or hoped to hook up with former affair partner. 🤷‍♀️

All the secrecy points towards him cheating. He's probably got another family.

I actually read only today that compartmentalising relationships rather than bringing you into their friend and family circle is an avoidant person behaviour. And, we don't want to be trying to have relationships with avoidant people.

I agree. He’s not for you. He planned to be economical with the truth & you should ask yourself why. He’s just not that into you & you should run away now. You’ll only regret it later. This relationships not worth investing any more of your time.

Inwas gping to say your not being unreasonable, bit, it sounds like itnwas early.in your relationship, and his 1st after a long term? So i can see why he went alome.

But, the not telling you is unreasonable.
So id maybe jusr cut losses with this one

Sounds like a prize!

I’d probably look to get rid of this one tbh. Lying, attending a wedding and not telling you (deliberately) attending said wedding with a woman he used to sleep with whilst in a relationship then diminishing your valid concerns and telling you to effectively “calm down, love”. I’m afraid I would be livid too. The chaotic living situation, the fact he hasn’t introduced you to his family speaks volumes as to how he views you. For your own sanity I’d extricate myself and find peace in a normal relationship. You don’t need this kind of shiz, especially since in your own words, you’re mature and have already been married. Dump him!

Your not facing the truth or fact. When you split up to constantly include that person you left. Plus he has not taken you to meet his friends. It tells me he doesn't really like you or is Ashamed of you.
So you want a person who wants to take you out into his world. As soon as a guy lies about the friends. Ex partner. It's a big RED flag. You leave him take back your pride. He isn't worth you. X

Having read most of the comments, it seems to me that he just sees you as a friend with benefits, nothing else.
I would have been incandescent as well to be honest. If there’s no trust in a relationship, then there’s no relationship. It will never change.

He sounds like a real catch!

I think it's just common decency & relational respect to invite someone you know & their partner -
It would lead numerous folk to wonder if the person responsible for the inviting, is even aware, the one invited, has a partner?

I think this man makes you unhappy. He is secretive, has his own agenda, doesn’t include you. I can’t believe he loves you. Unless uou have a very good reason to stay with him, go your own way.

First thing I thought tbh.

Sorry OP. What an idiot he's been.

From my past experience of a similar situation get those trainers on & run as far & fast as you can. If he can’t introduce you to friends & family after 12 months there is something seriously wrong (with him not you). You deserve much much better, this guy is a complete loser, don’t waste your precious time find someone who will value & appreciate you & your time xxx

I'd run a mile (from you). He went to a wedding reception and at the same time spent time with his DC. Why are you fuming?!