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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Went to wedding reception without me

473 replies

Caton · 26/02/2026 11:20

Yesterday morning, I asked my partner whether one of his friends got married last year - he had said mid year that his friend was getting married after the summer. I had heard nothing since and it popped into my head - thinking oh did the wedding actually go ahead. He said, yes I went to the reception. Unbeknownst to me. That weekend, he had stayed at his brothers house which is a 3/4 hour drive to this wedding reception. His only child also attends university about 20 minutes away from the venue. He only told me he was driving up to spend some time with his child. I had no idea about that being the reception/wedding date. He reserved a hotel when he got the invite (which I never saw) and didn't say that either. I was incensed - and frankly incandescent - so much that I hopped in the car drove to get a coffee and some fresh air. He had been staying at mine whilst he had appointments in town - His current situation is rather chaotic. He separated from his long term partner 18 months ago and moved out of the house definitively in October last year. For the past 6 months he has stayed either with his family or with a set of friends house-sitting as they travel quite a bit. He has looked to get his own place but that is still awhile away - and also he will have to put this jointly owned property up for sale in the next 12 months. It seems to me he likes to separate and compartmentalise his relationships. I have never met his child - nor any of his long term friends nor his family members. As a mature woman (formerly married) I find his behaviour, and secrecy very very odd. He seems to think he has done nothing wrong. Oh I didn't mention the difficulty I also have as the friend who got married is female and her close friend was in a casual relationship for many years with my partner, whilst he was living with his former partner - and naturally was present - with her partner at this wedding reception. I just find this odd and am reconsidering this relationship. He is panicking and wants to go to couples counselling to discuss - as he doesn't understand why I am so incensed. Am I being unreasonable as I feel like I'm being asked to accept what is frankly unacceptable. He also said the invite was only for him - and that (conveniently) the invite was part of the whatsapp messages that were lost when he upgraded his phone.

OP posts:
WildLeader · 27/02/2026 07:20

Caton · 26/02/2026 11:45

@lunar1 we'd been together for about a year - but we have known each other for 5 years.

Duplicate post, sorry

WildLeader · 27/02/2026 07:20

Caton · 26/02/2026 11:45

@lunar1 we'd been together for about a year - but we have known each other for 5 years.

Duplicate post sorry

MyDeftDuck · 27/02/2026 07:39

Based on what you describe in the OP and most of your follow-up comments Caton, I reckon you’d both be better off if you went your own ways. This relationship just does not seem a good fit, where’s the trust? where’s the commitment? where’s the honesty?

BuildbyNumbere · 27/02/2026 07:44

He obviously didn’t want you to go, this all sounds very messy. Walk away!!

BuildbyNumbere · 27/02/2026 07:46

Caton · 26/02/2026 11:44

@sittingonabeach empathy. fairness (I'm rethinking that point). the flip side is likes to feel sorry for himself - which I can't stand - and has difficulty owning his decisions. My view of his former relationship was that it was financially abusive (on the partner's part not his) and coercive (again on hers) that said I only know or surmise according to what I have been told - and from his answers to my questions. I do believe my view is correct however biased it may be.

Your view is correct based on what you have been told … how do you know you have been told the truth? Based on wedding behaviour this is unlikely!

BuildbyNumbere · 27/02/2026 07:48

Caton · 26/02/2026 15:22

@letmebetheone Christmas day he spent alone in the country. New Years eve and day each side we spent together.

Hahaha sure he did!

Original poster
Caton · 27/02/2026 07:54

@Banannanana I have been to where he lives a few times - ex was out with her BF. I have visited at both his friends and his sibling but they were not at home. He has never been married - wanted to when he initially started living with his ex but she said she did not want/or believe in marriage - and she didn't need to for financial security either as he put her name on their home as co-owner..totally normal imo as many people do that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Caton · 27/02/2026 07:58

Dliplop · 26/02/2026 16:01

OP- I’m not sure partner is the right word.

He doesn’t seem the monogamous type which is fine when it is all on the table and you aren’t monogamous. And it isn’t all on the table. As of at least October he didn’t see the point in telling you his whereabouts. Again, fine but a mismatch with what it sounds like you want.

Between divorce and remarriage I dated several of these because I also didn’t want a partner. Once I fell for one and it didn’t work because we weren’t on the same page. I was hurt but can’t hold it against him. Did he lead you on or did you assume?

He pursued me - typical scenario - flowers champagne cards visits dinners etc. and yes...he did lead me on.

OP posts:
Original poster
Caton · 27/02/2026 08:04

Dliplop · 26/02/2026 16:01

OP- I’m not sure partner is the right word.

He doesn’t seem the monogamous type which is fine when it is all on the table and you aren’t monogamous. And it isn’t all on the table. As of at least October he didn’t see the point in telling you his whereabouts. Again, fine but a mismatch with what it sounds like you want.

Between divorce and remarriage I dated several of these because I also didn’t want a partner. Once I fell for one and it didn’t work because we weren’t on the same page. I was hurt but can’t hold it against him. Did he lead you on or did you assume?

I have to say you and many mumsnetters are correct - partner is the WRONG word. Boyfriend -is probably more accurate but can't think of another word...I'm sure mumsnetters would chime in with all kinds of names however 😆. And while I'm at it - I also think the mumsnetters who have stated we want different things are also correct. I want a committed relationship eventually and he has not shown or said anything different - I have said for a long time now - actions not words - and that is something I have a strong belief in - the action....Now it comes to mind..and I can hear in my mind everyone saying "dump! "dump"! "dump"!

OP posts:
Original poster
Caton · 27/02/2026 08:07

Lavenderandbrown · 26/02/2026 21:30

Twelve pages of really great advice Caton. You can tell some posters have RTET and some have not but most if not all still come to the same conclusion…liar cheater deceptive.

….and you’re where you should be all the time but when your not your with some underworld spy or the wife of a close friend wife of a close friend….

What does RTET stand for please.

OP posts:
HelpMeUnpickThis · 27/02/2026 08:11

Caton · 26/02/2026 11:35

@BudgetBuster yes and no not exactly. He was sleeping with her (wedding guest) whilst living with his former partner of 25+ years and in a relationship with his partner.

This man is not honest in any aspect of his life.

Immediate dump for me as I am too old for such shenanigans at 43. Immediate dump.

Original poster
Caton · 27/02/2026 08:11

Thesnailonthewhale · 26/02/2026 16:28

But the only child is an adult... Why are you talking like he's 6?

The adult offspring could have easily seen both parents.

Everything you say about this man is weird.

Show quote history

Adult child is a young , vulnerable adult. Can't say much more it was best he did not attend Xmas morning - as it happened adult child spent almost all of Xmas holiday with significant other's family.

OP posts:
Original poster
Caton · 27/02/2026 08:18

Mlb123 · 26/02/2026 18:35

There's a high likelihood some kind of casual relationship still exists between the person he had a long term affair with and he didn't even mention the fact the reception was taking place or even had until long enough had passed so that when you asked he felt he could then pretend to be forthcoming, but act like he's completely confused by you having a problem with it . He's gaslighting you and he will never see the problem , but will instead make out that it requires relationship counselling . Well I'm pretty sure if you went along with it he would not find that the counsellor says it is a non issue . No they would advocate respecting your feelings and being more open . He's very manipulative that's for sure and he's even got you doubting yourself and also believing he is panicking which is just to make you hang around and be convenient for longer , but he's not going to respect you unless you do break it off and then when he misses you then there's a chance he might realise what he's lost . If you stay when you're not getting listened to then he will see no reason to treat you as a real girlfriend xxx

Show quote history

Bloody hell. Another post that makes such good sense to me. Thank you for your perspective.

OP posts:
Miyagi99 · 27/02/2026 08:19

OvernightBloats · 26/02/2026 11:30

He is pretending he doesn't understand why you are angry but I bet he does. He didn't want you to come to the wedding with him, thought best not to mention it in case it upset you and now he is covering his tracks.

This kind of deception would be a huge red flag to me.

She wasn’t invited though.

Original poster
Caton · 27/02/2026 08:21

@BudgetBuster My 'kids' are fully fledged adults - there is no way they'd be 'attached' to anyone tbh.

OP posts:
Original poster
Caton · 27/02/2026 08:22

@BudgetBuster please see my response to your comment.

OP posts:
Original poster
Caton · 27/02/2026 08:27

user1481285182 · 26/02/2026 21:56

At what point in the relationship did you both decide this was a relationship rather than something casual or has the discussion not been had ? Have you ever caught him out in a lie before ?

@user1481285182 about 6-8 months ago we had a conversation about this relationship. in truth though I don't feel committed to. I really don't. And it's painful. And yes he has lied to me before.

OP posts:
SonsRfab · 27/02/2026 08:28

Miyagi99 · 27/02/2026 08:19

She wasn’t invited though.

Show quote history

She didn't see the invite?

Original poster
Caton · 27/02/2026 08:30

DirtyNumbAngel · 26/02/2026 19:26

Have you ever been with him when he's "house sitting" OP?

@DirtyNumbAngel Yes, I have. Several times.

OP posts:
Stephybris62 · 27/02/2026 08:36

There seems to be a few issues here.
Firstly he had an affair when he was with his previous partner.
But also if he only moved out of his home with this partner in october, that was only 4 months ago? Assuming you were in a relationship while him and his long term partner were still living together?

Original poster
Caton · 27/02/2026 08:41

@Thesnailonthewhale @Mlb123 @Dliplop @WildLeader @MyMiniMetro Wanted to send a particular thanks to each of you for your wise words and spelling it out. I spend way to much time living in my head. I 'm grateful for the time you have all taken to feedback on this unpleasant situation.

OP posts:
Edamummybean · 27/02/2026 08:41

It sounds more like he’s panicking about losing a stable toehold while he’s couch surfing than panicking about your relationship. He is not behaving like someone in a relationship. The first post nailed it. Throw him back. He’s not for you.

ThisJadeBear · 27/02/2026 08:49

OP your words show you are a really, really bright and intelligent person.
You deserve someone on your level who can meet you where you are.
Instead you are having to dial down who you are to be around someone who’s not worthy.
Are you going to stay with him?

whereisitnow · 27/02/2026 09:01

Zucker · 26/02/2026 11:24

Throw this one back, he's not for you.

This

Original poster
Caton · 27/02/2026 11:02

ThisJadeBear · 27/02/2026 08:49

OP your words show you are a really, really bright and intelligent person.
You deserve someone on your level who can meet you where you are.
Instead you are having to dial down who you are to be around someone who’s not worthy.
Are you going to stay with him?

@ThisJadeBear Thinking I need to put a stop to this - what this community is mirroring following the small amount of relationship grief and disappointment I've expressed is to put an end to the misery. It's dismal and sad.

OP posts: