Went to wedding reception without me

[Caton]

Yesterday morning, I asked my partner whether one of his friends got married last year - he had said mid year that his friend was getting married after the summer. I had heard nothing since and it popped into my head - thinking oh did the wedding actually go ahead. He said, yes I went to the reception. Unbeknownst to me. That weekend, he had stayed at his brothers house which is a 3/4 hour drive to this wedding reception. His only child also attends university about 20 minutes away from the venue. He only told me he was driving up to spend some time with his child. I had no idea about that being the reception/wedding date. He reserved a hotel when he got the invite (which I never saw) and didn't say that either. I was incensed - and frankly incandescent - so much that I hopped in the car drove to get a coffee and some fresh air. He had been staying at mine whilst he had appointments in town - His current situation is rather chaotic. He separated from his long term partner 18 months ago and moved out of the house definitively in October last year. For the past 6 months he has stayed either with his family or with a set of friends house-sitting as they travel quite a bit. He has looked to get his own place but that is still awhile away - and also he will have to put this jointly owned property up for sale in the next 12 months. It seems to me he likes to separate and compartmentalise his relationships. I have never met his child - nor any of his long term friends nor his family members. As a mature woman (formerly married) I find his behaviour, and secrecy very very odd. He seems to think he has done nothing wrong. Oh I didn't mention the difficulty I also have as the friend who got married is female and her close friend was in a casual relationship for many years with my partner, whilst he was living with his former partner - and naturally was present - with her partner at this wedding reception. I just find this odd and am reconsidering this relationship. He is panicking and wants to go to couples counselling to discuss - as he doesn't understand why I am so incensed. Am I being unreasonable as I feel like I'm being asked to accept what is frankly unacceptable. He also said the invite was only for him - and that (conveniently) the invite was part of the whatsapp messages that were lost when he upgraded his phone.

“I have never met his child - nor any of his long term friends nor his family members. As a mature woman (formerly married) I find his behaviour, and secrecy very very odd. He seems to think he has done nothing wrong. Oh I didn't mention the difficulty I also have as the friend who got married is female and her close friend was in a casual relationship for many years with my partner, whilst he was living with his former partner - and naturally was present - with her partner at this wedding reception.”
So he has never introduced you to anyone close to him, and you’ve mentioned he was previously seeing someone else casually whilst living with another partner (!!) - it sounds like he’s seeing someone else I’m afraid, as well as you. A leopard never changes his spots and I expect he will gaslight you into thinking you’re going crazy or being unreasonable.

Isn't this a bigger problem than his lies of omission around attending a wedding reception?
Why pick someone with this history and then expect them to be honest with you and not sneak around behind your back almost by default?

You had only been together 6 months at that point, and he was only just moving out from his ex of 25 years. It would be a bit soon to be taking you to the wedding really. Especially as he is not yet ready for you to meet his family.

He should have told you he was going. He doesn't sound like he is ready or emotionally available to jump right in to a very committed relationship right now where you share your whole life together. You are in different places because you started off from entirely different scenarios. He would only just be starting to come to terms with the separation. Even if a partner chooses to leave or it has been a long time coming, they still will feel a loss to an extent.

Even if he was wanting the same and in the same place though, someone who cheats on their partner on and off for 15 years is not a desirable quality. What do you see in him?

Reading this he seems to be keeping everything very separate and secret and id be furious and moved on already.
It takes so much more to not tell you he was going than be upfront, what else is he not mentioning.
Over and out if it were me

He’s deceitful and a dark horse, who are the worst type in my book.

For whatever reason he definitely did not want you there.

To have an affair for 15 years is on another level.

Do you really want to be with a man that is capable of that?

Don’t be naive enough to think he won’t do it to you at some point.

AND THIS!!!

You mentioned he lied before this and yes I agree with you that he lied this time by omission. It's a long time to hold a lie. If he really doesn't understand why you're upset by this then there's a problem. If he does realise and is downplaying your feelings then that too is a problem.

Someone that can do this is not to be trusted. Years ago, boyfriend of mine went to a party without me, stayed overnight. Unfortunately for him his friend outed him unintentionally. I always saw him as a slippery snake after then and that was the end.

The compartmentalising is not a good sign after all this time. It's like you're not important enough to include you in the wedding or other parts of his life. I understand you're not concerned that you weren't invited, it was the lie. I'd dump him, personally, as I don't think this is going to get any better.

Why are you so bothered? He’s a newish boyfriend.

Does anyone else think that if they were the bride or groom of this wedding, they wouldn't want to risk making this complicated situation any more awkward by issuing anything other than a single invite to the OP's BF? Presumably at least one of them was on at least nodding terms with the BF's partner of 25 years. Even if he's supposedly moved and onto another woman, how are they to be sure this wont be a temporary thing and he wont go back to his long term partner? Inviting the OP sends out a sign of endorsing that relationship in this whole messy situation. And then they have their other friend present who has had a 15 year affair with BF - and they may wonder whether OP is aware of this. Honestly the wedding hosts can hardly be blamed if they didnt want to be seen as taking sides in their friend's messy love life.

Most likely he didn’t tell you about the wedding even though he booked a hotel because his very very long term casual fling FWB was going. He’s a known liar and cheat. Do better and don’t stay with this nonsense any longer.

Put yourself first, my friend. You sound great. Him, not so much. Give yourself time and space and don’t get pulled back in.

Definitely a hobosexual, will be trying to get his feet indeed the table

@ELCismyspiritnana thank you for your post. The relationship he had with his ex was not good at all. Whilst it started out well they went through a lot of pain as a couple that was external to their relationship and it didn’t survive. I think they held on as long as they could to be fair. Around the time just before the separation the ex did apparently offer to open up the relationship but he didn’t want the conditions she’d proposed.. just to have sex with different people.. so he declined. They separated but she’s had well I would say it’s been tough for them both. Do my guts say he can give me what I want? It’s probably too late now I think. I don’t trust him after what he’s done and once broken it’s like one’s reputation once doubt sets in really hard to recapture. It’s doesn’t mean that he or I are infallible but I would like to be able to trust and not feel the way I do. But I can’t run from this doubt I have. And it’s primarily because of his behaviour. So probably a pass I think :-(

@Youcancallmeirrelevant dont know if I was invited and the invitation was lost so he says…

You’ve been dating about a year and still not been introduced to his son, brother or his friends? I’m sorry op but I don’t think he’s that serious about having a meaningful relationship with you, it sounds like you are convenient at the moment. Perhaps you should think long and hard whether this is what you want from your partner. You may decide that you’d be better off with a partner who would be proud to introduce you to his family and friends.

I’d be livid. Don’t like the sound of that at all. What was he up to or hoping he’d be up to that weekend to not even mention it to you about going. I wouldn’t trust him and wouldn’t be able to move past this. You deserve much better.

@BrokenWingsCantFly hello! I have posted a couple of responses to your question about what do I see in him. Empathy, humour, he has been really helpful and supportive with my youngest adult child at a critical time when it was a precarious situation. He provided guidance support and really good suggestions that have had a positive outcome for both myself and my youngest boomerang child. He wasn’t patronising or overbearing either. I respect him for that a lot. We do have a lot of laughs and he has a wonderful sense of humour. He is gentle and the right mix of genteel and down to earth. All of that said I am horribly disappointed and ready to throw in the towel because I don’t feel up to dealing with being lied to..again.

He is a real opportunist chancer and really fancies himself. He sounds like a grade one liar. Looks like big trouble.

Ditch him pronto

This. I think you moved on from the "just seeing" stage to the "exclusive partner" stage all by yourself and he may not be ready for that but be afraid to hurt your feelings by telling you. Have you actually communicated where you are together verbally.
The fact that your having jealous feelings is also a worry. If this was a serious relationship you should be feeling loved up and secure at this stage.
I think you need to ask him point blank where you stand with him so you can choose where to go from here but sorry, I don't think he considers himself to be your partner at this stage.

Maybe he didn't want to tell you about the wedding as you weren't invited and he didn’t want to hurt your feelings. Or he thought you would react badly to him going and didn't want the hassle. Would you have been OK with him going alone if he had told you? You already have said him being there made you feel jealous.

@Caton time to see things as they are and not how you’d like them to be

Or waste another few years and then see it

He's a known cheat, he lied to you about his whereabouts on this occasion (that you know about), you're not really part of his life.....
He's not looking good.

If you want a relationship where you're constantly having to ask for support and advice on here, carry on but honestly, if you were my friend and telling me this over coffee, I'd be strongly advising you end this, so you can be free for when an actual decent man appears in your life.

He sounds so much like my ex. Found out he’d got freedom of the city of London months earlier and he was shocked that I was upset I wasn’t invited! The being sorry for himself thing is a manipulative technique designed to make you feel sorry for himself thing, and more likely to forgive him when you catch him out in his lies. My ex did the same. Woe is me, my family are all awful etc etc.
Long story short he had another whole other girlfriend with a baby on the way. I know it’s hard because it sounds like he’s successfully worked his way under your skin, but I’d dump him. Just because he wasn’t with the ex you know about doesn’t mean it wasn’t someone else at the wedding. It’s extremely suspect.

I don’t see the attraction of dating a secretive homeless man with a lot of baggage personally. He sounds like the complete opposite of a good catch.

Nah! That was sneaky and deceitful! He has a comfy billet with you. No need to house sit or sofa surf. You are a convenience. Get rid of him and find better.