DH won’t move house

[sellupandgo]

I’m not sure what I’m looking for here other than some empathy if anyone is in the same position?

It’s a simple enough story - DH and I have lived in our current house for over 10 years. We are both 40 and have young children. I’ve been wanting to move for a while now - don’t like the area and house not fit for purpose. DH always brushes me off when I suggest it. We’ve got really awful neighbours and I had it out with DH recently saying we absolutely had to get away. He could see I was really upset so he finally agreed! But since then he’s been dragging his heels - won’t put the house on the market, dismissing every house I’m interested in. I’ve come to the realisation that he’s just gaslighted me and has no intention of moving. What can I do? I feel so trapped and powerless. I can’t very well force a move without his consent seeing as he owns half of the house.

He’s agreed to nothing he’s made the right noises to shut you up and get you off his back

you say your “you’ve “ done your current house up how much of that work did you physically do and how much of that was left to your DH

Just to add, my DH was constantly wanting to move. He never seemed settled anywhere. I was totally sick and tired of the constant need for change. I blame it on him having ADHD. In the end I just refused to move until we retired. There is nothing wrong with wanting to stay in one place. For starters the mortgage is likely to be paid off sooner,which means that money can be used for other things.

I think having bad neighbours is the worst really! You can't relax in your own home.Can you sit with him in a quiet moment ,and tell him all you have said here? People are always moving and always have! His wishes dont trump yours. Paying is only part of it you deserve to be happy too.

Life's too short to be unhappy for a few years, and the older the children get thr harder it will be to move as they can express their attachment more. No-one likes the moving element, I moved south england to scotland with a 3 month old and it was utterly exhausting but it can be done, I do think blokes especially can want to avoid big change and the hassle that comes with it!

That’s fine if you and your DH both feel that way but we neither of us said ‘forever’ when we bought this house. If DH had mentioned forever then I probably wouldn’t have agreed to buy this house. It was a bit of a compromise buy at the time to be honest. So I feel like DH has since moved the goalposts.

Honestly ...Just drive it yourself. He agreed and you said youself he's full of inertia.

You havent unilaterally gone and listed the house for sale... its been discussed at length.

Get the EAs in
Pick the EA and negotiate the fee.
Get it staged / decluttered.
Organise everything with regards to viewings and being out etc.
Get professional packers when you move (worth their weight in gold) and ideally do a deep clean before you move in to the next place)
When he hums and haws on the new house show him the 3 or whatever youd live in and say this is what's available and on the market... Either you let me pick or you pick one

I know what it’s like to have awful neighbours and was the reason we moved. It affected my mental health hugely. If it’s affecting you in a similar way, wouldn’t your DH want you to feel better?

Can you not make some changes to the house you own now to make it more 'fit for purpose' instead of moving? As they do on 'Love it or list it?'

I know that doesn't change the neighbours but I have to agree to some extent with your DH. Moving house IS a massive ballache. Along with all the sorting and clearing out, the packing and physically moving is stressful and that is even before you have been through the actual sale process which now is massively shite and really, really stressful for most. I can totally see why he just doesn't want to bring that kind of stress into his life, especially if he thinks he will be compromising on space.

Just to add, just because you move, doesn't mean you won't get another set of shite neighbours, unless you move rurally in the middle of nowhere without them.

GasLIT* not gaslighted. And no he hasn't. Please stop using this word if you don't know what it means.

Im with you OP. sometimes the grass is greener. Ive just left the house i was living in with DP, it is in his name but we have lived there for over 5 years. We did pick the house together but to be honest I never loved it if that makes sense, it just made sense on paper.
He was adamant we stay there forever which to be honest always made me feel a bit trapped. Sometimes you have to live somewhere for a while to work out what you want and don't want. I have left him now as there were other problems in the relationship besides that and luckily have had family to help me. I am now in a place i absolutely love.
In a partnership you have to do what is right for both of your happiness, if you are truly unhappy he should discuss with you and understand this is something you both need to do moving forward, preferably without any resentment from him.

I take your point but I don’t think I’m just chasing a better house for the sake of it. I certainly don’t think that not moving is lesser if you’ve found a house that you are happy with, or if finances would make moving too difficult. But neither of those things apply to my situation. In my opinion, this house doesn’t work well for our family.

Make an appointment with a local agent yourself rather than leaving it to him. At least you can go in and discuss what price you would likely get and then talk about it again.

If the house no longer meets your family needs and the neighbours are a pain you just have to persuade your DH, he must see that you need to move really always assuming you can afford to move to your preferred area and can find a house there. But first step is to get your house on the market.

What problems are you having with the neighbours?

When you say your house doesn't work well for your family , you've been there over 10 years, what's changed ?

You've also said you'd like to keep your house and move it elsewhere.

The 'itchy feet' thing , is the crux of the problem that comes across .

That's not how the housing market works these days. Often EAs won't even offer a viewing of 'the right house' if your property isn't already on the market. And vendors won't accept offers if they can't see that you're well on the way to having your house sold.

I've just sold my late mum's house. I got seven offers for it. I immediately crossed off anyone who wasn't pretty much ready to go.

What strikes me is that you talk as if you are desperate to move now, and that's the only option, but you haven't really said why. You don't like the neighbours, but plenty of people barely have anything to do with their neighbours, people only usually become desperate to move if their neighbours are drunk, swearing, loud druggies, or do really antisocial things! You say you don't like the house layout, but plenty of people don't live in their perfectly designed house, without being desperate to move everyday. It seems to me that saving up to get something better/bigger in a few years time, would be sensible unless there are things that the neighbours do which are really antisocial or something you really actually practically need that the house doesn't have!

I was going to ask that. And why do you hate the village?

It is expensive to move. Will it be a bigger mortgage? Stamp duty, solicitors fees, estate agents and surveyors fees all add up. Are you sure that’s the reason he doesn’t want to move?

@sellupandgo why doesn’t it work?

All your posts give a sense of vagueness of itchy feet of not been settled and of thinking that those things will magically disappear
with a new house

wfh and looking after children is tough it totally reframes how you see a place and it gets you stuck in the place you are and I think in part that is happening to you.

schooling for example isn’t mentioned at all but it a huge factor in whether moving works

going rural and having more space is great but it is a good thing for your family

I guess the question is will moving solve the problem and do you actually know what the problem is

OK, what did you both say when you bought the house?

Was there an agreement that you'd move again in X years? Have you talked about where you both want to actually end up long-term? Location, type of house etc?

I have a feeling this is another example of a problem arising when neither party communicates properly and assumes their partner is on board with something that was never explicit in the first place...

I was married to a man who got bored with houses and wanted to move every two or three years - he'd been an Air Force child so never stayed anywhere more than a couple of years anywhere growing up. But I HATED moving and still do - they can carry me out of my now home!

But if you want a discussion about moving, OP, then I'd suggest that rather than tell your DH about the dreadful neighbours and the inconvenient layout, (which doesn't sound that bad to me, you could move and STILL have dreadful neighbours) you try to show him where it might be good for him. Could he have his own office if you moved? Or a garden office where he could do his own thing or have a gym? Could he have a shorter commute? Less driving back and forth for the kids?

You'd need to sell him on the idea.

In your DH's opinion, the house does work for your family. Why are you so dismissive of his opinion? TBH, you come across as a spoilt child tantrumming "I want, I want, I WANT!" rather than an adult who is looking at the bigger picture, considering practical elements and the needs of all of the family and entering into reasoned, adult discussion. You seem to think that what you want trumps what your DH wants and all practical considerations. It doesn't.

We have been here for 29 years. House needs updating in some rooms. I would LOVE to move …..to have a change, to enjoy looking at other properties (which would have to be close to where we are.) DH doesn’t like change and has said a definite NO to moving. It leaves me frustrated and irritated as he won’t compromise. So then I suggest house improvements including an extension and downstairs reconfiguring. Again, DH says NO. He gets anxious with change which leaves me more frustrated. Had another discussion with him and decided to improve the house with kitchen doors and work tops plus replacing of very old boiler. I arranged for two quotes which we now have. However, then came a huge meltdown saying it was all too much to think about.
Mortgage paid some years ago. I feel your frustration.

How has he moved the goalposts? He couldn’t have said it was forever when you bought the house and he’s not saying it now. He’s just happier there than you are and doesn’t have itchy feet. That’s not moving goalposts. You’ve both done the house up presumably with a tacit expectation of making it a better place to stay rather than flipping it for resale. You don’t need to move for schools. The house is big enough and nice enough, you just have an issue with the neighbours that he doesn’t and you’re happy to compromise on the next home just to move to somewhere more remote. Gotta say you’re not making a strong case and blaming him for moving goalposts, being stuck and gaslighting don’t help. If you want to make the case, find houses that might genuinely entice him to move - affordable, as nice or nicer than current home, decent commute, schools etc and then he might come around. But it’s a big ask and if that doesn’t exist then maybe it’s not worth it at this point. Which doesn’t mean forever so no need to catastrophise.

Do you have form for fixating on something you want to change that you 'hate' and you imagine will make a massive difference to your life, only to move on and find something else to fixate on? Obviously I don't know if that is the case so it's a genuine question. The reason I ask is if you do have that tendency, trying to fob you off would be somewhat more reasonable! The way you talk about your current situation sounds quite hyperbolic given further updates.