DH won’t move house

[sellupandgo]

I’m not sure what I’m looking for here other than some empathy if anyone is in the same position?

It’s a simple enough story - DH and I have lived in our current house for over 10 years. We are both 40 and have young children. I’ve been wanting to move for a while now - don’t like the area and house not fit for purpose. DH always brushes me off when I suggest it. We’ve got really awful neighbours and I had it out with DH recently saying we absolutely had to get away. He could see I was really upset so he finally agreed! But since then he’s been dragging his heels - won’t put the house on the market, dismissing every house I’m interested in. I’ve come to the realisation that he’s just gaslighted me and has no intention of moving. What can I do? I feel so trapped and powerless. I can’t very well force a move without his consent seeing as he owns half of the house.

You also sound very dismissive of your DH and him thinking it’s normal to stay in a house. I mean, it is normal to stay in a home that works well for your family and you can afford. The idea of constantly chasing a bigger better property is quite a new notion.
You seem to be implying not moving is small minded or somehow lesser.

Have you got much of a mortgage? If it is paid off or coming to an end then that could be part of it - he might be looking forward to a period of saving and consolidation, rather than another mortgage

What exactly are your issues they are quite vague at the moment because you are asking a lot

are yiu children settled at school, what about his commute?

Well you say he agreed, so if you want this to happen then I would just plough forward. Get the house valued, start decluttering etc

There's nothing wrong with inertia. You don't have to move house every few years. It IS a massive ballache and not wanting to go through that stressful, expensive process when you've put time, effort, money and care into making your house nice is very understandable.

He said something he didn't mean in order to placate you - that isn't especially wise on his part but neither is it gaslighting, which is a specific abusive technique. Quite insulting (not least to him) to use it in this context.

Awful neighbours can exist anywhere and unfortunately you can't control for them, it's pure luck. You could move to a nice area and the neighbours could be even worse. Or your current neighbours might move next year.

I would be interested in what discussions you had when you moved into your current home? Was it intended to be a forever home, or until the kids finish school, or did you agree to move before that?

If you've done all that work to it, that implies to me that he thought it'd be a forever (or at least very long-term) home.

Take action @sellupandgo . He has agreed, so get an estate agent round to do a valuation and get the house on the market, start having a clear out and packing things up.

If you are committed enough to do all the work of the actual move, just do it. He agreed, so take him at his word.

Are you home a lot more than your DH? So it doesn’t affect him so much?

We’ve been together over 20 years and when we were younger we moved all over the place for uni/work. We moved to regularly that a lot of our stuff was just kept in storage for years just to make things easier. But since moving here and having the kids he seems to have settled and become stuck. Meanwhile I’ve got a severe case of itchy feet! We clearly need to have a proper talk about this. It’s just hard because he’ll brush me off with a ‘yeah we’ll move when the right house comes along’ but I know that for him it never will.

Yes. I WFH and have my 3 year old 2 days a week and I think that does make a difference.

You’re right. I’m going to call an estate agent this morning and get the ball rolling.

Would you be taking a bigger mortgage for this house? Even moving costs and stamp duty could be pushing 40k depending on the house.
Have you considered that he doesn’t want to work longer to find a new house when your current one is nice? You seem to be downplaying that and more making it seem like it’s just tight.

From your later updates, it sounds like you’ve just got different opinions. It’s not a case of him being wrong and you being right.

I can also why, given you’ve admitted your house is big enough and you’ve made it nice, he could be less keen to move to a ‘better’ area if that means compromising on the house. It sounds like he’s going to be responsible for funding most of it so he may be anxious about the pressure of that.

Fair enough to have a discussion about it, and he should listen to your views but equally, you need to listen to him.

Well you can't move unless he signs the paperwork, getting an estate agent round and packing up might not succeed but only make him more reluctant to move.

I don't understand tbh, you say your house is not fit for purpose, but also if you could you'd like to pick your house up and drop it somewhere else?

I think you need to develop more compelling arguments if you want to convince your DH. You’re asking him to move from a place he likes, that’s big enough to meet your needs, and that you have invested in heavily. Your arguments for moving are the neighbours are horrible (why?), you don’t like the village (why?), and the layout of the house is crap (even though you’ve spent a lot of money on it), but you aren’t backing that up with any compelling evidence, especially as he’ll be funding the bulk of the move. Are you able to show him houses you could move to, and convincingly explain how it will benefit you as a family?

Devils advocate, moving is a huge expense, very unsettling and if its a higher mortgage then long term it is creeping into any goals you have around retirement, less holidays etc.
With the space, its great with small kids to have space but at some point the garden is not actually useful as they want to be out and about anyway, around secondary age. Then its just another area of upkeep unkess you live being out there all weathers in the garden or can afford a gardener.
My parents bought a huge house when we were little, it was a doer upper and ate all their spare money and time, we went on one holiday and they do regret it now.

If I was reluctant to move (though his reasons seem a bit blah) and my husband went and got the estate agent around anyway, that would cause massive problems in our relationship, I would not take my hand being forced well (so be aware it may well be the same for your DH!).

Settling is not "becoming stuck" and it's disturbing that you equate the two.

I moved a lot in my 20s too, as I think most people do. The revolving houseshares and time in different cities can be exciting but finally buying a place with DP that felt like it would be forever felt like such a relief. I never want to move from this house and I don't feel like that's "being stuck" or "inertia". I'm also not sure why you think your "itchy feet" are the norm compared to his "inertia" - are you sure that you won't just want to move on again from the next place after a few years? And again, and again?

I would have a think about whether you actually want to settle down in one place long-term at all. Honestly that's fine too, some people have that nomadic/wanderlust personality - but it's not compatible with a partner who's happy to settle down, and it'll require some proper conversations to resolve.

Absolutely do not barrel ahead with getting the valuation unilaterally, that's kind of a nuclear option and I'd be furious if DP did that to me. Even if I had agreed to moving house in a moment of weakness.

OP neither of you are right or wrong. You want to move, he doesn’t. Or at least, he doesn’t feel that the hassle and stress of moving is worth the (potentially worse) outcome.

All you can do is keep talking about it, and also you can look at houses yourself, in the hope you find one that he likes the look of.

By all means get your house valued, but I sincerely hope you can’t legally put it on the market without his written consent, because that would be terrible.

You can’t force someone to move house OP. Particularly if their earnings are paying for it.

We moved to get away from terrible neighbours, always complaining if our children so much as coughed. It’s horrible trying to live when you have neighbours like this. It feels very oppressive, stifling.

I feel so much better since the move. I feel I can breathe again.

My dh is the same.

I have lived in the same village for most of my 53 years and we have lived in our house (our only home together) since 1998.

I am desperate to move and live somewhere else, I have outgrown the area and many things about where our house is situated. The main road alongside us, which used to be fairly quiet has become so busy over the last few years and our lovely quiet neighbour died 5 years ago and we now have a family with noisy kids, 3 barking dogs and a squawking parrot so my lovey peaceful home is no longer the sanctuary I once loved.

However, DH is dead set on never moving. He lovingly renovated and extended our home 20 years ago and has such a deep attachment to it which I understand as I do to (was my grandparents house before ours) but the thought of living in the same for the rest of my life depresses me as our village has been heavily built on so now very busy and I am at a stage in my life where I want peace and quiet.

DH also resents paying out for EA and solicitor fees!

Ah so “I’m alright Jack” moving house won’t affect your commute or anything, it’s him who’d have the impact?
id look at divorce if my dh did something as selfish as some of the advice you’ve had on this thread! Bit daft as he’s going to have to agree to listing the house for sale?

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