DH won’t move house

[sellupandgo]

I’m not sure what I’m looking for here other than some empathy if anyone is in the same position?

It’s a simple enough story - DH and I have lived in our current house for over 10 years. We are both 40 and have young children. I’ve been wanting to move for a while now - don’t like the area and house not fit for purpose. DH always brushes me off when I suggest it. We’ve got really awful neighbours and I had it out with DH recently saying we absolutely had to get away. He could see I was really upset so he finally agreed! But since then he’s been dragging his heels - won’t put the house on the market, dismissing every house I’m interested in. I’ve come to the realisation that he’s just gaslighted me and has no intention of moving. What can I do? I feel so trapped and powerless. I can’t very well force a move without his consent seeing as he owns half of the house.

Tbh the risk of moving because of bad neighbours is what if you end up in the same situation? Yes you can mitigate against it by being detached and ideally having a good size plot around the house so you’re not slap bang up against neighbouring gardens…. But homes like that are expensive and hard to find.

You also haven’t really explained what it is you dislike about the neighbours and the village.

you only work part time at home, whereas your dh is working full time, having to commute. Therefore a move will impact far more on him. Especially as he would have the pressure of funding most of it.

It’s not like he’s never moved - you say you moved loads early on so maybe he just wants to be settled - that doesn’t automatically spell ‘inertia.’ He just doesn’t have the same opinion as you do.

Regards the suggestion of unilaterally getting an Estate agent round, getting valuations and telling them you’re preparing to go to market etc I’d be bloody furious if my dh decided to do that without it being agreed. This is a really important decision and you need to be on the same page

This, it doesn’t help posters are saying “ absolutely you just say nnerr nnerr I’m putting the house up for sale and that’s it!!” I do wonder if those posters are either naive or completely controlling bullies in their own lives. It’s laughable, “how DARE he not do what you want!! He’s an abuser!!”

Write a list of pros and cons about moving together, and talk about that. While I understand why he's reluctant to move and the stress, expense etc that brings, your feelings are also important - sometimes it just doesn't 'work' in a home. If it's largely down to the neighbours, who knows, they may move away!

Moving house is expensive, which ever way you look at it. By the time you add up stamp duty, agents fees, legal costs, the inevitable new flooring / decorating (as a minimum) and even a kitchen or bathroom you are looking at £50k to £100k. That's before you even consider the costs of a better area / bigger house. You'd have to be pretty unhappy to take that on just because of a feeling, and even more so to consider a worse house...and it sounds as if you wouldn't even be footing much of the bill. I understand his reticence, but you do both need to have a proper conversation about it.

I was completely in charge of the renovation, because I had more time for it. We had builders and trades in for most of the work (organised by me) but I did a lot of physical work myself too. For example, I did all of the painting and decorating. I even managed to fit most of the skirting boards after our carpenter broke his leg and couldn’t complete the work!

I am having a similar but slightly different problem with my dh and nine out of ten times when it comes to (a) renovating and (b) moving it’s always men dragging their feet and women trying to improve things for the family. Well it is among me and my friends anyway!

Obviously, decisions have to be made sensibly and budgets adhered to, but there is never usually an “all right” or an “all wrong” decision!

I have no advice though op because my dh says yes to everything and then does absolutely nothing to assist without me getting in to a strop about it! And it is really tiring.

He isn't gaslighting you. Don't use a term to describe abuse when it's just you not getting what you want.
You want to move, he doesn't. One of you is going to be unhappy as you want different things. It doesn't make any of you abusive.

It definitely wasn’t a forever home. We didn’t have children at the time but were planning for them soon. We talked about a few years tops. It was a big project, but we naively thought we’d do it up, enjoy it for a few years, and then sell at a small profit. Realistically, we’ll do well to break even on what we’ve spent on it. It was an old, listed house and turned into a bit of a money pit.

LIOLI - get hold of Kirsty and Phil...they will sort it!

I completely understand. After we were burgled I wanted to move. If I raised it, DH would come up with his list of 20 reasons not to move. Finally he agreed to move but was not really up for it. We never did move. It’s so difficult if someone isn’t onboard with the idea. Unfortunately I have no advice, just solidarity.

Thanks, this resonates. I’ve had altercations with disagreeable neighbour when I’ve been home alone that have really upset me. When I’ve told DH about it he’ll say all that right, soothing things, but I don’t think he really ‘gets it’.

We got stuck in a stepping stone house when the market crashed. We had both mentally prepared to move and then couldn't. Your home is meant to be your sanctuary, a place you look forward to coming back to. Ours didn't feel like that anymore and it is soul destroying. We had renovated it top to bottom to test our DIY skills so we had made it our own but it wasn't enough. We had literally bought it to get into the catchment of an outstanding primary.

We later moved into a home that could grow with us, we absolutely love this house. No regrets whatsoever.

I would ask your Dh why he is willing to see you sad and upset every day about something as big as a house. Why wouldn't he want you to have peace of mind?

Okay well that doesn’t sound like a prime candidate for moving. More of a case for staying and making the most of all the money and effort sunk into it. Otherwise you’re just restarting the cycle and could naively buy another place that has unforeseen problems. With young kids I’d only move for schools, space or jobs and it doesn’t sound like any of those are an issue. You’ve still not said what the neighbour issue is or how the goldfish bowl issue impacts you - most homes are among others and isolation costs and has drawbacks.

How do schools fit in with all this? Does your current village have a good primary?

I suppose I am pretty unhappy. It’s true that DH is the higher earner but we are a team and have fully shared finances, I know he won’t be resentful over that element. I don’t think that means he gets more of a vote than I do over important family decisions like this.

We’ve been in this house nearly 11 years, so we’ve had a good innings.

We would definitely be keeping the children at their current school, whatever happens. It’s a great school. It does limit our options in terms of new locations admittedly.

Whatever the rights of wrongs of moving house, you definitely get an equal vote regardless of who earns more money.

You do keep mentioning the time you’ve lived in the home as though it’s a given you now must but homes don’t have an expiry date, passing 10 years is really no reason to move.

Would your children have to move schools? Would it be a longer journey?
Would your husband have a longer commute?
How much would you have to add to your mortgage to move?
What sacrifices on the house do you think would be necessary to get the location you want?

What altercations have you had with the neighbour?

Well, unless you have huge savings to use as a deposit then moving isn't really feasible, is it? You will be tying yourself into a 25 year mortgage, so that won't be paid off until you retire.

Seems a bit of a sunk cost fallacy, the money is spent either way but we are still living in a house that isn’t right for our family. I don’t know exactly what we would get for this house but even using a conservative estimate me should be able to buy something else that ticks more of the boxes.

It sounds as though you’ve cajoled him into agreeing and if you go ahead with agents and listing, he might well pull out of any deal and piss off lots of people, including you.

Maybe it’s different in different areas, but where I live (London) estate agents won’t let you even make an appointment to view other properties until a sale has been agreed on your own property.

I’m 62 now and was desperate to move from my 40s onwards. Same situation, husband didn’t like change , first it was wait until the kids leave school , then it was he wasn’t sure his job was secure enough , just loads of excuses . I’ve recently had an inheritance that means I can now move . He’s got no excuses , I wouldn’t say he’s enthusiastic and I’m doing the donkey work but I can’t help thinking I wish I’d pushed harder back then as yes we can now move into a better house , better area etc , but I’ve wasted years just surviving in a house I’ve never really liked . We have been in it 30 years now. It’s a very bittersweet experience for me now, my health isn’t great , I can’t do as much as I could do back then and retirement is looming . They say better late than never but I wish I’d moved back then .
Just adding to my post to say , what did help was think of ways it would benefit him and make his life more enjoyable, like a cabin in the garden, easier to get to work, a bigger hobby room , just whatever his interests, concerns are.

I don’t think you’ll get anywhere with the ‘not right for our family’ line when you mean ‘not right for me’. Your wishes aren’t invalid but they’re only one part of the picture and if you push it as if it’s a fact that it’s wrong for your family when clearly he’s fine with it, you’re not going to be convincing. At least be honest that it’s just you who wants to move and build the case from there, acknowledging rather than dismissing his pov.

He’s an extremely upright and responsible person and I know he would never do something like pull out after an offer. He’ll put a stopper on things before they go that far.