DH won’t move house

[sellupandgo]

I’m not sure what I’m looking for here other than some empathy if anyone is in the same position?

It’s a simple enough story - DH and I have lived in our current house for over 10 years. We are both 40 and have young children. I’ve been wanting to move for a while now - don’t like the area and house not fit for purpose. DH always brushes me off when I suggest it. We’ve got really awful neighbours and I had it out with DH recently saying we absolutely had to get away. He could see I was really upset so he finally agreed! But since then he’s been dragging his heels - won’t put the house on the market, dismissing every house I’m interested in. I’ve come to the realisation that he’s just gaslighted me and has no intention of moving. What can I do? I feel so trapped and powerless. I can’t very well force a move without his consent seeing as he owns half of the house.

I don't know why everyone is telling you your house sounds fine- theres nothing worse than living in a horrible neighbourhood with bad neighbours and where you feel hemmed in and viewed when you do go out. It would materially affect my happiness. When I moved, the best thing is that I have nicer new neighbours who keep themselves to themselves and just allow me to live my best life, I didn't realise how much having horrible (disturbing) neighbours was affecting me on a daily basis.

He is entitled to his views too, and a joint decision has to be arrived at, but you aren't wrong that bad neighbours and a horrible atmosphere affects your daily life, it's like an ever present cloud. You can move somewhere with more space where your neighbours affect you less.

Keep an eye on how quickly properties move in your area, look at the listing dates on Right Move, how long have they been on the market and if they have been reduced. EA will always insist your house will sell quickly. I live in a rural village, the most recent house to sell had been on the market a good few months.

I hate the whole village now, it has a horrible vibe. We are literally the only young family here, everyone else is retirement age, and we feel like outsiders even though we’ve been here much longer than some of them. Some of them are lovely or course, but there’s this core ‘parish council gang’ that are horrible and get up in arms over the most petty things. For example, I remember when I was on maternity leave with my first who was only a few weeks old (so I had a lot on my plate) some some dandilions had crept into a planter that we had outside the house and they were up in arms about it. It got brought up in the council meeting, and I had several people knocking on my door to complain. The bickering and sniping is just endless.

The layout of the village means we are all on top of each other. I’m proposing to move somewhere outside a village without any immediate neighbours.

Dandelions in a planter was commented on in a council meeting?
Bloody hell, this is nuts.

The Dandelion thing is nuts. I wish you nothing but the best. I hope things work out for you. BTW a villager with a very unkempt front garden placed a large sign saying 'Weeds for the Bees' 😆 💐

Of course you’re not powerless! Now is a great time of year to put the house on the market.

I would ring three estate agents now and get them round next week to start the process and get the house valued. Your DH clearly never will. If he says anything I would just say ‘I thought you agreed to a move’. It won’t happen itself and I’m not living here for another 10 years. Let’s strive for better’.

But you said one of the reasons you want to move is its not fit for purpose.

sounds like someone has delusions of grandeur & wants DH to finance it

So I’m basing my advice on a lady I know who was assaulted during a home invasion (husband of 30 years away). She was desperate to move but he insisted it was their forever home and he didn’t feel unsafe. She ended up moving out into a rental and they live their married life that way but she is very unhappy. I know your situation isn’t as extreme but

does your DH want to be that man? Can he not see that in order for a family to be happy every member needs to be and this house is bringing you down? So what if the neighbours don’t bother him - they bother you

Is it possible dh thinks you'll never be happy anywhere and therefore moving is a bit pointless? My mum always wanted something different. Do up a house as though she'd be in it forever and then decide it wasn't right and start finding fault and looking for somewhere new. Some people think happiness lies in the 'perfect home' but it's really something else they need.

I agree with you I would hate to live in a place like this. 💯
It sounds like God's waiting room, full of nosey curtain twitchers who have nothing better to do than be busybodies. 🙄

Me and hubby agreed to move a few years ago, but only if we did our whole house up (to sell for a profit, as it was awful), and found a suitable home to buy. 🏠
Cue multiple browsing on Rightmove, and visits to various houses. 🏘
It took just over 2 years, we finished all the decorating /renovating. Then got the front and back painted. 🖌

Then as luck would have it, we saw the perfect house (another sh!thole) that I loved 😆 💩 😆
As it was in the area we wanted near DS school and our families. 🙌
It took months for the estate agents and solicitors to move themselves. 🤦🏻‍♀️
Then next thing you know, we moved in and began the decorating/renovating process all over again, which took 13 months. 😆 🤣 😂

Was worth all blood sweat and tears?
You bet your arse it was! 💃
It was an expensive ball ache 💯
But looking back now I'm glad we slogged and worked at it, because we are all now thriving in our new finished house house a year on 😌 🙌 💃

Be pragmatic, give yourself a timeline, and get on rightmove.
@sellupandgo

You've given a few good reasons for wanting to move imo.
Would your DH be more on board with the idea if you offered to take the reins & deal with it all (or most of it)? Moving IS a ballache - last time i moved it was such a horror i swore never again, i'll be in this house until i'm taken out in a wooden box 😂 If he doesn't see the same issues as you he obviously hasn't got the same desire to deal with the upheaval. If you can shoulder most of that, maybe he'd be more amenable?

Well unless the OP is going to drip feed some momentous information about being assaulted in the home, I can’t see this is relevant.

its also important to bear in mind that as the full time worker who has to commute to work and is responsible for bringing home the most money, the financial pressure of selling, buying and servicing the mortgage will fall mainly on the dh.

Looking at the time frame of when they bought their house, I imagine they’ve had some very favourable mortgage rates. To buy a better house in a better location (the 0P said she wants no close neighbours) is likely going to be quite a large financial burden. Don’t underestimate the pressure of heavy monthly outgoings.

Delusions of grandeur meaning parking, a garden that allows kids to kick a ball and neighbours that don’t report you at the local council meeting for having dandelions 😂

The OP lost my "empathy" by flinging around the term gaslighting.

My husband could have written this about me. I even got as far as putting the house on the market last year before insisting we remove it. I don’t think you can force him - my husband has begged, cajoled, argued, none of it has made me want to move!

Yes, that’s a red flag when someone described their partner having a different opinion as gaslighting

First you say the house is not fit for purpose then you say it's nice. Which is it?

I guess the only thing you can do ultimately if he won't budge is take legal advice and start divorce proceedings.

Red flag? Come on. I don’t spend my life on mumsnet and elsewhere the term sometimes gets used more casually. I won’t make the same mistake again now it’s been corrected. My meaning was still fairly clear I think. DH is certainly not abusive.

It's possible to be both. Ex DH & I bought a lovely cottage that we did up, pre dcs, and we were really happy in. Then had several children & realised the things that didn't bother us as a couple - eg tiny, steeply slopping garden, shared access so no ability to secure garden/footpath, no parking, no pavements - made life quite tricky with toddlers/young dcs. We moved just to have a more practical home.

I thought I’d explained that. The house itself is lovely, but I’d like a proper garden and parking. And ideally not live in a village. Or at least not this village.

Moving house IS a ballache. If he earns more I'm assuming (maybe wrongly) that his job also demands more of his headspace, but he's agreed to move so just crack on and accept that you'll have to do the legwork. You need to get the house on the market.

Exactly this. We bought and renovated the house before we had children. Since then our requirements have changed.

Yep I’m happy to do the legwork on this I just felt like I needed more enthusiastic consent to proceed! He also seems to think we need to find the house we want to buy first…