He’ll never get it will he?

[Beforeorafterchristmas]

Chatting to DH tonight about what we’d spend money on if we won the lottery. I said I’d love to hire a cook/private chef so I never had to think about what to cook again.

He was incredulous. Said that would be the biggest waste of money ever.

It then dawned on me that it would be a waste of money for HIM because I do that unpaid now anyway. I meal plan, shop and cook 90% of our meals (he does the odd flamboyant dish he’s seen on TV or whatever) but for the most part it’s my ‘job.’

Even when he’s wanted to lose weight, I’ve been the one finding the ‘diet recipes’ and planning out his food/meal prepping for him.

I actually feel so upset that one of the things I’d absolutely love to spend money on is just a result of inequality in our relationship. He doesn’t get it at all, despite several conversations about the ‘mental load,’ the ‘cups by the dishwasher story’ etc.

He likely never will, will he?

YABU - That’s marriage, get over it
YANBU - He’s a man child, LTB

Is there any reason why you do 90% and he only does 10%?

Well you can carry on as you are or you can tell him to cook his own fucking tea until he's changed his attitude and stick to it.

It’s just always been that way and I don’t think I ever realised how unequal it was until we had kids.

Just stop doing it? My husband is a much better cook than me. I cook when I have to but he does at least half.

Well you know the answer then - sounds like he needs to do more and that way he will understand more.

Take turns cooking ? Start now!

My ex was like this. He was also one to say ‘I’ll go shopping, just write me a list’ aaargh!!!!

It’s not even the fact that he doesn’t cook (although it is still that) but it’s the fact he takes it for granted so much he cannot see how hiring a chef with a lottery win would be something that would take a load off you.

If I were you, I would go on strike and make him realise that food doesn’t magically appear in the fridge and on his plate 🙄

I can't vote as you've manipulated it.

My 'vote' would be that you make changes to make your relationship more equal.

If you change nothing, you'll always get what you've always got.

If I don’t cook or say I don’t have anything planned he just goes to the chippy. He’d make us live off takeaways if I went on strike I think!

Then cook for yourself. Unless in your relationship you cook and he contributes equally but with other tasks, then you should have a conversation with him a say that you need him to take over more share of the cooking. And if he says no way or just buys takeaways then explain that you’ll cook for yourself then and he can live off takeaways or sort himself out. He’ll get bored of the takeaways soon.

I do most of the cooking in my relationship too but my partner always asks if I need help, and will do other tasks like hanging up the washing, feeding the dogs etc while I’m cooking. He won’t just sit on his bum. And he does the washing up. Equality doesn’t have to mean 50:50 on every task

They are two extreme options.
No that’s not “just marriage” - this is the state of YOUR marriage. I wouldn’t necessarily say LTB either - but you should make changes so it’s equal.

I’m assuming you both work full time though? Or even if you work part time he should be doing more cooking than he already does.

How do you split other housework like cleaning?

So what he’s saying is if you had infinite money from a lottery win he wouldn’t want to spend it to make your life easier?!? That’s pretty telling.

go on a health kick eat what you want when you want and leave him to his own cooking!

You seem to think it’s a bit funny 🤷‍♀️ it isn’t

I'd be tempted to cook only thiings that I liked. Easy quick things. Let him go to the chippy if he doesn't like it. He'd get fat and he'd be skint. Serve him right.

Try this...

I’ve put YANBU because you’re not, but not sure it’s LTB level. Just tell him! Start with one night a week, he has to plan, buy, prepare and cook the meal. Every week, it’s his job. Then build it up from there. Prepare yourself for cheese on toast but don’t give in!

The 'leaving the dishes by the sink' is often mentioned on here. The other day this one came up on my feed - he's a bit smug about his road to Damascus conversion but it's worth noting.

I thought my wife was a control freak – now I know I was the problem

So stop doing everything and pkease yourself more.

It doesn't have to be this way.

I don't know if it's LTB territory yet, but I'd certainly be upset and annoyed that all of this was left to me. You say he 'can't' understand the problem - but do you really mean 'won't'? Unless he's actually stupid, it shouldn't be too hard to understand that his wife is not a robot who exists only to make his life easy.

I would make sure he does his bit from now on. Have a chat with him, tell him that the conversation made you realise just how little he contributes to the running of the house and family. Ask him which jobs he'd like to take on. Which evenings will he be cooking?

If he refuses to do his share, then yes. I'd be thinking about whether I want to spend the rest of my life with someone who doesn't care about me and our family enough to step up.

Your options aren’t only to LTB or put up with it.

There is the more obvious option of just not cooking for him anymore. Or at least a couple of nights a week.

You could just sort yourself out with beans on toast or a ready made soup or something and leave him to sort the kids and himself. If he chooses to just get a chippy dinner on those nights then what do you care?

You did 90% of cooking (and cleaning?) before you had children?
That's on you so.
I split it 50/50 for a decade before kids came along.
It moved over time to 60/40 but never beyond that.
You need to set some boundaries and expectations.

Does he do other household tasks? I probably do 90% of the cooking and meal planning too because I am better at cooking. DH would absolutely do more if I asked though and he does do other things more than me which balances it out

there are lots of families where each person has a “job”. So long as it all balances out, it’s fine.

you say your job is cooking. What jobs are your husband’s? Is it more the lack of balance that bothers you, as opposed to the fact your job is cooking and he doesn’t have to plan?

and something that needs to be talked of more before people have kids is the fact that every single fucking meal for 18+ years needs to be planned. It’s relentless.

I’d be dropping my contribution to 50% pretty sharpish! Take me for granted and you’ll soon know about it.