He’ll never get it will he?

[Beforeorafterchristmas]

Chatting to DH tonight about what we’d spend money on if we won the lottery. I said I’d love to hire a cook/private chef so I never had to think about what to cook again.

He was incredulous. Said that would be the biggest waste of money ever.

It then dawned on me that it would be a waste of money for HIM because I do that unpaid now anyway. I meal plan, shop and cook 90% of our meals (he does the odd flamboyant dish he’s seen on TV or whatever) but for the most part it’s my ‘job.’

Even when he’s wanted to lose weight, I’ve been the one finding the ‘diet recipes’ and planning out his food/meal prepping for him.

I actually feel so upset that one of the things I’d absolutely love to spend money on is just a result of inequality in our relationship. He doesn’t get it at all, despite several conversations about the ‘mental load,’ the ‘cups by the dishwasher story’ etc.

He likely never will, will he?

YABU - That’s marriage, get over it
YANBU - He’s a man child, LTB

Just think about what you’re saying.

Your life has currently got to such a shit state that If your DH took on just one of the household chores (cooking, which he should be contributing to anyway) you’d literally feel like you’d won the lottery.

Fuck me, the bar is in hell and your husband still manages to crawl under it every day.

What on earth do you find attractive about this man child?

Why don't you just tell him that it's his turn to do 90% for a few years and then he can then take stock of whether a cook is a good idea?

So tell him that as he clearly thinks it is no big deal he can do all the day to day cooking for the next six months then you can sit down and discuss it.

DH once criticised how I ironed his shirts, I never ironed a thing for him again and that was 30 years ago. Ironing the kids’ stuff became his responsibility too as he was clearly so much better at ironing than I was.

Stop talking to him in metaphors - forget mental
loads and cups by the dishwasher, if you feel he isn’t pulling his weight tell him, plainly and directly. I’d be saying our conversation the other night made me realise how much I resent doing all the cooking, I need you to plan and cook X number of nights, starting next week. And then step back and leave him to it.

Yeah I think it’s important for us to know if he pulls his weight with other things around the house in equal measure. My partner does 100% of the cooking and washing up but I do all the cleaning and the laundry and we are both happy with this split. I couldn’t be bothered thinking of meals to cook all the time, he couldn’t be bothered cleaning bathroom. Win win. Could it be a similar story with your husband or does he do very little generally?

He thinks paying to make your life a bit easier isn't just a waste of money, it's the biggest waste of money ever.

That's pretty cold and disrespectful. He feels entitled to you doing all cooking and he takes you doing it for granted. To him, a wife is a free housemaid and cook. That's some nasty misogyny there.

What does he do of the household work load?

He'd be dealing with getting his own meals from now on. He wants to eat shit takeaway, let him. But that money comes out of his expenses. He shit on you, time to let him experience the fallout.

That's exactly what I'd do with the money as well. I live on my own though, trying to avoid potential cocklodgers. YANBU.

I'd start batch cooking things only you like and defrosting just enough for you. And only buying the things you like. He'll soon get bored of a chippy tea.

Even when he’s wanted to lose weight, I’ve been the one finding the ‘diet recipes’ and planning out his food/meal prepping for him.

Seriously - why on earth did you do that?

Just stop cooking for him. He clearly doesn't appreciate it.

That's been the same for me. It wasn't even straight after having DC as I had maternity leave and worked part time for 6 years. I did the majority of cooking and cleaning because I liked to be busy and had the time. It was only when I went full time that I struggled to keep on top of things. I initially thought he'd become more lazy but after a while I realised he was doing the same he always did, it was just that I hadn't even considered how things were divided previously as I was just getting on with things and happy to do it.

Exactly.

I am so sick of women wanking on about the ‘mental load’ and unequal division of labour when they are 100% enabling it by martyring themselves and letting piece of shit men walk all over them.

Stop cooking for him. Stop doing his laundry. Stop remembering his mum’s birthday. Just stop.

Is this a “straw that breaks the camels back” moment OP?

What’s he like in other areas? I don’t blame you for feeling fed up if you’ve gone over this in conversation with him many times.

Why do you say he doesn’t get it? He understands it perfectly unless he’s incredibly stupid.

He just doesn’t care because he’s in his comfort zone with his needs being met.

Third option

You are a martyr

My husband does most of our cooking, he actively enjoys cooking and makes interesting meals for us etc, the cleanup though. We'd definitely both appreciate a housekeeper type role so he could enjoy cooking without a thought to the dishes. Then we'd just order in anytime he couldn't be bothered.

I actually don't mind cooking either but I hate not having the time so I guess for me taking the other drains on our time away by being millionaires would mean a private cook wouldn't feel like a big deal.

However of my husband said cooking had that big an impact on him I wouldn't be waiting to won't he lottery, is be looking at ways to change our division of labour to take some of that effort off him

A side point but I've always said i could happily go vegetarian if I had a really good vegetarian chef planning and cooking my meals for me. I'd definitely pay a chef if I won the lottery.

I haven't voted, but you definitely need to rebalance things somehow.

I work part-time, so I take on the majority of the household tasks. My husband works full-time, but he does a share for example: life admin, food shopping (and decides on meals), cooks on the weekend, any gardening, cleaning cars, arranging for our cars to be serviced/MOT/repairs etc and vacuums the house.

You need to cut back what you do, so that your husband can see what you do. My husband appreciates the things I do, more so since I fractured my foot and wasn't allowed to do a bean for 2 weeks!! My husband had to work full-time and do everything at home...it made him realise exactly what I do!!!

Did you say that to him though? Talk to him and tell him. Dh is the cook of the family, I’m horrific and now he’s back in the office 5 days a week it’s very much dawning on me how much I leaned on him

Why do you think “that’s marriage, get over it”.

No one except yourself is forcing you to martyr yourself by cooking for him every day and planning meals to suit his various diets.

Ps op men will never ever get it. If I’d have said what you said but ‘cleaner’, dh would have laughed and said ‘but it’s fine’. Yes, our house is clean enough already- because on my days off I spend three hours trying to hammer it back into shape!!

What kind of example are the two of you setting @Beforeorafterchristmas

A mother who martyrs herself in the kitchen, clearly in a grump about it.
A father who lies prone on the sofa as his wife clashes around night after night in the kitchen.

Just stop doing it.

Do you expect your children to grow up the same way. Cause that’s the example you are teaching them.

I suggest it’s you buying the lottery tickets OP.

Out of curiosity, what was he spending his half on ?

My husband and I share the cooking, as we both enjoy it. But I never understand these kind of posts. If DH never cooked, and I wanted him to, I'd say "Right, I'm sick of doing all of the cooking. From tomorrow, you're doing half, and I want to eat properly so no takeaways, you lazy shit!" And he'd know I meant it.

Surely he wouldn’t want your DC’s to live on takeaway food? Divide up the week between you as to who cooks the evening meal. What else doesn’t he do for the home?