He’ll never get it will he?

[Beforeorafterchristmas]

Chatting to DH tonight about what we’d spend money on if we won the lottery. I said I’d love to hire a cook/private chef so I never had to think about what to cook again.

He was incredulous. Said that would be the biggest waste of money ever.

It then dawned on me that it would be a waste of money for HIM because I do that unpaid now anyway. I meal plan, shop and cook 90% of our meals (he does the odd flamboyant dish he’s seen on TV or whatever) but for the most part it’s my ‘job.’

Even when he’s wanted to lose weight, I’ve been the one finding the ‘diet recipes’ and planning out his food/meal prepping for him.

I actually feel so upset that one of the things I’d absolutely love to spend money on is just a result of inequality in our relationship. He doesn’t get it at all, despite several conversations about the ‘mental load,’ the ‘cups by the dishwasher story’ etc.

He likely never will, will he?

YABU - That’s marriage, get over it
YANBU - He’s a man child, LTB

So tell him he either does half the cooking or you will stop cooking for him.

DH made a comment on an article he read that most people eat the same six meals and need to mix it up. Found it absolutely enraging! Who has the headspace in the supermarket to conjure up new and innovative fucking recipes?! It’s fajitas /veggie chilli /Japanese salmon or Thai stir fry like it or bloody lump it.

Do you have or want children? If so then it's a battle to pick because you're already default parent to him and the lazy reliance on you is not attractive or going to yield you a good father to your kids.

If you're not having kids, have cereal. Let him be skint and fat and see how you feel after 2 months of that. Massive passion killer. No doubt you'll then worry about wasted money and his health.

There are better men our there. And if you were single you wouldn't have to manage his life or selfishness.

And society wonders why women are choosing to be single and having less kids 🤨 mystery.

I do 100% of the cooking but dh does 100% of other things- laundry, DIY, cleaning bathrooms, gardening etc.
does your dh do his fair share of other chores?

Op it's your life you get to curate it. Start creating the life you want.
Ideally it should be a partnership where both want to work as a team.
Of course men get it. The lazy ones will try to get away with doing as little as possible. What happens to them in other areas of life? Hard consequences,they lose a job a partner an opportunity, respect. That either inspires change or the victim mentality continues.
If your partner is in the latter camp then absolutely LTB if after a clear chat and changing your behaviour too.

Mine does 80/90% of the cooking meal planning prep. At any time needed that can swing in a different percent and I can take over because I'm a decent partner. Either of us could die Tomorrow and I know either of us could carry on the work load and mental load. We are both competent adults. Gender does not come into that's just societies bullshit gender shaping. The whole idea of poor stupid incompetent men can't possible run a home like a woman just needs to die a death.

He is either a competent adult that can participate In family life and a partnership or he isn't. Then you absolutely wouldn't be unreasonable for not finding a incompetent adult attractive, who wants to be married to a child. If he says he can't do it like you can then clearly he needs the practice so he can do 100% till he is competent.

Yes, that’s completely mad. DH does all the cooking and food shopping here unless he’s away for work. Obviously I have other significant household jobs, but not cooking.

I cook every meal in my house and to be fair I wouldn’t hire a chef if I won the lottery 🤷🏼‍♂️. I would eat out all the time instead.

I used to be a doormat too until one day after he salted the food again before tasting it I decided he could fuck off and make his own food. Apart from Christmas dinner I don’t cook him anything.

What’s it like living like this? With someone you essentially can’t stand @LemonVenom

I’d tell him you were gobsmacked by his complete dismissal of how much easier your life would be if you had someone else cooking, and realised he has no idea that you only ever get a decent healthy home cooked meal at home if you cook it, 7 nights a week, 52 weeks a year, every year since you met him, while he thinks a magic fairy waves a wand and produces a meal. The gravy train is over, you will cook for yourself only until he cooks a nice meal, and from now on he plans and cooks two meals a week every week for the rest of his life although some weeks it will be more than two once he develops a basic skill set, and neither of those two meals can be chippy or takeaway, or you’re going to go out and hire the private chef he has had the luxury of having and you haven’t.

down tools!! Before you’re retired… and you have to cook every night.

Are you one of the ones that start threads over Christmas about how harassed and put upon you feel @Beforeorafterchristmas

But thats ridiculous. YOU wouldn't have to live off chips. YOU would cook for yourself/children

Why are you trying to find excuses not to cook for him?

YABU - That’s marriage, get over it
YANBU - He’s a man child, LTB

What bizarre options.

I never know when our car is due an MOT, service, oil change etc etc. DH has always dealt with it. I would hope if this was ever an issue for him then he would discuss it with me and not just decide one day that he's had enough and is leaving because he resents me.

That sounds like a healthy relationship!

Absolutely this.

You've spent years cooking all his meals to his exact dietary requirements and now you've had a lightbulb moment (although you knew beforehand that he doesn't cook so not sure why it's such a revelation) you're debating leaving him, rather than sitting down and having an actual discussion with him or just, you know, stopping doing it?!

Such a bizarre overreaction.

The options are

he will never change - accept it
i should talk to him a lot about this and hope he chnages
i should also start downing tools in the basis i have done my share

I showed DP my massive discontent lastnight!!

I usually make his lunch for him - we are on a diet and I’ll usually bung his lunch in whilst I’m doing tea.

But lastnight after getting stuck in accident traffic on the motorway and my 2 hour journey back from a meeting taking 4 hours, I’m full of a cold, and he generally sat like a man child on his phone not offering to help once whilst I was busying about in the kitchen making a meal for the kids plus a different meal for us, didnt ask how I was, how my day went or offer to make me a cup of tea and only spoke to me to moan about something - I thought sod it!!!!

I must admit to hear him open the fridge looking for his lunch and the subsequent slamming of the door this morning was extremely satisfying!!!! 😈

You should have just said to him what you said here. No hints, no talking around it.

”Yes, to you it’s a waste of money because you don’t do any of that domestic work. You place the full burden on me so you already have a cook.”

I also wouldn’t be doing all the cooking unless there was another chore with similar mental load that he took full responsibility.

I do think if often seems the way that for men a long term relationship is about securing themselves a domestic appliance.

This is so strange

So you stomped around doing the same thing you’ve done day in and day out, and it didn’t occur you to say something to this man child?

I did say something to him - I just didn’t tell him I hadn’t made his lunch! Informed him that he had been a complete arse all night being on his phone and that I wasn’t impressed that he had only spoken to me all evening to just moan at me. Didn’t want or require a further discussion about it as frankly I’d already had a bad enough day that I’d only just managed to get through. Usually I’ll tell him which box is his for his lunch but given he didn’t ask I had no reason to tell him I hadn’t made him anything.

what if you said something like:

DH, the fact that you said hiring a chef if we won the lottery is a massive waste of money makes me realise that you have no idea how much of a burden the shopping/cooking etc is. I do not feel my huge contribution in that area is valued at all even when I go above and beyond eg researching and cooking for your diet. We need to adjust this before I become any more resentful. How do you suggest we fix this massive gap?

if he has no answer, say that you think you should take on 3 nights each with the final night a quick/easy meal takeaway. But he can’t just buy chips!

the alternative would be that he takes on a task/tasks that is/are equal to the cooking. I’m not sure what though - he does all laundry plus all washing up? Laundry alone isn’t equal to all cooking, shopping, planning in my view.

Does he do other stuff OP, eg work longer hours or do different household chores? Or is it just completely unbalanced?

but eventually the shine would wear off that.

Work out a plan with him, starting gradually, say he cooks on one day per week (plans, cooks, everything) and ramp it up so you take equal shares of cooking and planning. Either have definite fixed days, or work out a plan when you make the shopping list of who will cook what and when.

There may be a rocky start, but it's worth the effort.

Let him. Tell him his response to your question has made you realise how little he values your additional contributions to make his life easier, and from now on the options are that you either split all chores 50/50 or you will only cook and clean for yourself and the children and he needs to start looking after himself.