He’ll never get it will he?

[Beforeorafterchristmas]

Chatting to DH tonight about what we’d spend money on if we won the lottery. I said I’d love to hire a cook/private chef so I never had to think about what to cook again.

He was incredulous. Said that would be the biggest waste of money ever.

It then dawned on me that it would be a waste of money for HIM because I do that unpaid now anyway. I meal plan, shop and cook 90% of our meals (he does the odd flamboyant dish he’s seen on TV or whatever) but for the most part it’s my ‘job.’

Even when he’s wanted to lose weight, I’ve been the one finding the ‘diet recipes’ and planning out his food/meal prepping for him.

I actually feel so upset that one of the things I’d absolutely love to spend money on is just a result of inequality in our relationship. He doesn’t get it at all, despite several conversations about the ‘mental load,’ the ‘cups by the dishwasher story’ etc.

He likely never will, will he?

YABU - That’s marriage, get over it
YANBU - He’s a man child, LTB

I'm single and very happy I couldn't and would never be the one who does all food shops cooking ever again.
Both of my sons cook for themselves or share cooking with girlfriends .
If I cook a family meal it's because I want to not because I'm made to feel I have to get tea on the table.
My dad is the cook bottle washer everything at home .
Can't stand men who won't share the load.

I’ve always done all the food related stuff in my family, whether I’ve been married or single. But when I was married there were things my husband did that I didn’t.
He always mowed the lawn and kept the garden nice, he checked my tyres regularly etc.
So yes, he probably didn’t get the ‘mental load’ of meal planning but it all balanced out in its own way - even though the marriage didn’t work out in the end.

Lots of pages, can't look through them all. Do you work full time? Does he?

I just cook for me and the kids. And I'm a sahm. Because dh started complaining about this and that early on I quickly decided that I won't put up with that. He also eats later than us and is happy to eat his frozen soups etc to lose some weight.

Mandemikc · Today 21:04
Lots of pages, can't look through them all. Do you work full time? Does he?
You dont have to scroll through lots of pages. Just tap to read OPs posts. She has said who does what with work.

Well, I just cook the same seven meals on rotation each week, so there is no mental load at all.

My weekly food shop is the same each week.

You could try that and if he doesn't like it, he could take over the cooking.

I had ‘I don’t care what we eat just put some fucking food in the table’

Even when he’s wanted to lose weight, I’ve been the one finding the ‘diet recipes’ and planning out his food/meal prepping for him.

That was your choice
Did he ask you to do this for him?
Has he done something equivalent for you?

Make a change
Stop doing everything

I would tell him the his comment made you feel that he doesn’t appreciate what you do and therefore you would like him to do what you do (incl meal planning, shopping & cooking, etc.) for 1 month without cheating by getting takeaways, ready meals or meals that are ready to go in the oven. Also tell him that after that month, you would like him to help more. He’s only going 10% because you’re enabling him

Quiet quit the household stuff that you can get past not being done

I only do what's necessary for myself and the kids

It's really not. It's a result of HIS inactivity and laziness, and lack of contribution to family responsibilities

@Beforeorafterchristmas if it was my house I'd seriously kick his backside into the kitchen. Just saying.
At least its opened your eyes.

In terms of what else does he do, it’s mainly DIY stuff but very little of the actual household chores (I think he’s maybe cleaned the bathroom once since I’ve known him). When we were renovating the house, he’d spend evenings and weekends doing that for example

That’s ridiculous. I am assuming that project is done with and he hasn’t been renovating the house daily for the duration of your relationship?

The ad hoc DIY that he’s probably doing now, doesn’t compensate for you doing all the daily cooking and cleaning for the entirety of your relationship.

Granted you said he works more hours but you still do work. And if anything you can look at it that you’ve sacrificed working more hours to care for the children that you both have. And isn’t there a consequence for that in terms of pensions? If so, I hope he’s making up any lost pension contributions on your behalf.

You said these options are tongue in cheek - but what are you seriously proposing as a way to tackle this?

I can’t understand how so many women of the same generation as me or even younger allow this kind of set up to go on. I call it modern misogyny, they want a traditional housewife but want the “housewife” to also work.

I have nearly always been with men who cook and clean as much if not more than me.

I get some men switch up when you get married or have kids but it seems like he was always like this.

Parents really need to raise their daughters with more self esteem and less desperation to keep a man.

Over the course of our marriage it has changed many times. Initially, both working FT, him forces, me long hours= ready meals/ whoever was home first.
When i went on maternity leave i got excited about cooking/ shopping for food, and i meal planned and cooked and enjoyed it. When the kids were little, and I worked pt I continued, as I felt responsible for feeding them well.
Went back FT, DH away a lot, dad helped- i meal planned, he cooked
Now I work FT, DH no longer forces, works fewer/ shorter days. Kids at Uni. He cooks almost every night for himself and my dad (I'm doing Slimming World, so prefer my own stuff that noone else likes!) If I'm home first, I cook. If he's home first (most days) he cooks
I do also have a cleaner. DH does a lot more cleaning than me, and although he doesn't say it i know he feels a bit aggrieved. Again, when on mat leave I did loads of cleaning, but now FT just can't be arsed, so I pay a cleaner to do my share! Maybe your DH could do similar with the cooking if he CBA...

Exactly. As bad as these men are, a lot of women need to take some responsibility for enabling this kind of carry-on. I get some pleas fall on deaf ears but I feel so often the women don’t even speak up at all.

With the exception of those in abusive relationships that are terrified of speaking up, I don’t understand why you’d just go along with all this while complaining in your head or to mumsnet or your friends. Talk to your husband!

Let this be a wake up call.
From now on take it in turns to shop, cook and clear away meals, a week at a time. Adjust other domestic tasks to make it fair, if necessary. Get the kids to help if they are old enough.

Another thing, I always say don’t have kids with someone you’d not think is capable of parenting themselves. Whether it’s divorce, death or just going on holiday with friends
there could come a time where your Husband has to look after your kids without you there .

So many women act like they’ll definitely always be around to clean up after their man-child and pick up the slack with the kids, but really we don’t know what the future holds.

How are these men possibly going to cope if they ever have to have the kids by themselves?

My ex did this. If I didnt cook, cooking didnt happen unless one of the kids shamed him into it. DD1 was especially good at this because at 12, she could cook better than he could.

Then we split (other reasons, although looking back, that would have been good enough) and he just lived/lives on takeaways. Guess who is fit and well with no major issues, and who has T2 diabetes, is massively overweight and is on the verge of toe (and possibly foot) amputation?

Cook for you and the kids, let him eat his takeaways. You know the saying "you dont know what it's got 'til its gone"? Take it away (pun intentional). Take away all the invisible labour (including washing etc) and he will soon see it.

He will spend a fair amount of time calling you selfish and petty and spiteful, but stick with it.

@Beforeorafterchristmas You absolutely must stop cooking for him and doing all the chores so that he realises how much you do. I would say stop cooking at all, but you clearly can't rely on him to cater for your children in a healthy way.

Sounds like he is hiring a chef when he doesn't want to do it

Sorry to say. It’s your own fault as you have enabled this by doing everything for years. Sorry mate, but many of us work as many hours as you, and we can’t all just say that we can’t take anymore on as we are too tired after work etc. If you did end the relationship, who would do it then? I know your options were tongue in cheek, but I couldn’t live with a man who just expected me to do all the house work, and no doubt child rearing. He can pay for a cleaner if he’s not prepared to help keep his own home clean and wash his own clothes.

Women talk about men not getting it but as you yourself admitted you have taken on the thought load for him so what do you expect?

He wants to lose weight let him do it his way

Same when people complain they buy all the inlaws presents, cards, orgaise events etc ''oh no I cant stop beacuse they will think I am terrible'' so what?

JUST DONT DO IT why is it so hard to understand

if a woman does everything then does nothing about it you only have yourself to blame

I think I'd hate being with someone like OP's dh. The marriage sounds so depressing.

Same! I haven’t washed my husband’s clothes for about 12 years. He leaves his stuff everywhere. I once started just putting them in a bin liner. I hid it. He was like “J I have no clean boxers or socks” I asked if he’d washed any? He was like well no. ????? There is no magic fairy!!

When I have been questioned by some friends I pointed out that he has never washed my clothes so why exactly should I wash his?

A year ago I dropped from management role to over night team leader (just 2 nights a week) so I could be home with our daughter. He said, “ooo does this mean you’ll wash my clothes now” 😂😂😂 I said nothing household wise will change since I already do the majority. If you see something needs cleaning then clean it.

So you think the answer to the inequity in your marriage is to come on here and moan about your husband.

it isn't about him "not getting it" it's about you enabling the precedent to be set.

your voting options are wrong. It isn't "it's marriage get over it" it's YABU for allowing your DH to do so little in the marriage and get away with it,