He’ll never get it will he?

[Beforeorafterchristmas]

Chatting to DH tonight about what we’d spend money on if we won the lottery. I said I’d love to hire a cook/private chef so I never had to think about what to cook again.

He was incredulous. Said that would be the biggest waste of money ever.

It then dawned on me that it would be a waste of money for HIM because I do that unpaid now anyway. I meal plan, shop and cook 90% of our meals (he does the odd flamboyant dish he’s seen on TV or whatever) but for the most part it’s my ‘job.’

Even when he’s wanted to lose weight, I’ve been the one finding the ‘diet recipes’ and planning out his food/meal prepping for him.

I actually feel so upset that one of the things I’d absolutely love to spend money on is just a result of inequality in our relationship. He doesn’t get it at all, despite several conversations about the ‘mental load,’ the ‘cups by the dishwasher story’ etc.

He likely never will, will he?

YABU - That’s marriage, get over it
YANBU - He’s a man child, LTB

I think fridge management is it's own job... I hate it.

I agree with this!

I too would spend lottery money on a private chef. If I only had to cook once per week (like my DH) I'd be happy.

Some marriages are just not a partnership, it's one person in service to the other. Essentially it's a lack of care and respect. The fact that you make excuses for him OP also shows that you don't really care or respect yourself.

When you value yourself and expect him to value you too then he will treat you better. Or he may not and you then have to decide whether you are willing to accept that or whether you are worth more.

The point is that during that pre kids phase, a lot of women do like to prove their wifely qualities.

I was married (and divorced so it clearly wasn't perfect!) but I've always expected complete equality in terms of contributions to the household and I've always had it.

It doesn't matter who I've dated or who I've lived with, I've never done more than my fair share. I didn't even realise until I started using MN that my experience wasn't universal. It was a real eye opener to me that some women are married to men who do nothing!

I've only been dating again for the past 12 years and still only been in relationships with men (40s and 50s) who were clear about their expectation to be a fully paid up adult.

I must have met men who were like this but they didn't make it to a second date because sexist attitudes always showed themselves early on (usually in relation to comments completely unrelated to expectations of domestic servitude).

My husband does all the cooking in our house, and I generally prefer his cooking to anyone else’s, so I’d probably say the same as your husband to be honest! Maybe I’d let him have a night off 😉.
Then again I’d pay for a housekeeper… not just a cleaner, but someone who will do the laundry/ironing/change beds etc, because they’re my jobs in the house. He would probably see that as a waste of money, as I do it all.

I used to love cooking and eating - I had a food blog- but cooking for a family broke me. When my ex left two years ago. I lost two stone because the kids don't really mind what they eat, and I wasn't having to plan and cook stuff for him! When the kids aren't here I end up living on toast and it's bliss. I don't mind the cooking; it's the planning and shopping and negotiating what people will eat that everyone likes So yes, I would outsource that for sure

When you talked about the lottery, what did he say he would like to do?

If it was anything like “work fewer hours” you should hit him with “that’s a total waste of money” and see if he starts to get it now.

Same. I even hate cooking shows. It’s such a drudge when you have to do it day in day bloody out! I get zero pleasure from eating anything I’ve cooked.

I would lose my shit if anyone said that to me.

And yes we have had many conversations about it. It always ends up with the same “I’m already stressed/overwhelmed with work so can’t take anymore on” from him, me feeling guilty for asking, and so the cycle continues.

I wonder how that works for single guys or divorced dads?

I am stressed with work so I live in a sty where the toilet is never cleaned and I am ashamed to bring people home.

I am stressed with work so I pay a lot of money for a cleaner and also for takeaways and my cholesterol is through the roof because of the takeaways and frankly they taste like shit and I'm sick of them.

Or maybe - I am stressed with work but I am a fully functional human being so I also feed myself and clean up after myself.

Basically what he is saying to you is he already has a domestic to do the housework/cooking for him so why should he do it?

I'd go back to work full time and hire a cleaner if I were you.

I think this has to be the catalyst for a big change to 50:50 cooking - with a rota of which days are whose and a requirement that it must be home cooked food. Maybe one takeaway for the 7th day to make it exactly even. And that it also must be done at dinner time (whenever that is in your house) not late at night because he’s done something so complex, and not with every pan in the house used.

Basically it must be done as women, especially mothers, do it.

If he really thinks being relieved of the cooking would be a waste of money, he won’t mind taking on three days per week.

The thinking also needs to be shared - so he needs to come up with his three meals and tell you the ingredients before you shop. Or else take it in turns to be the one who shops.

Bloody hell I was a single parent with a full time mega stressful job as a ward sister and still managed to keep my home nice, DS looked after and eat well everyday whats his excuse?

It always ends up with the same “I’m already stressed/overwhelmed with work so can’t take anymore on” from him

So because he is busy with work he can’t cook or clean for himself?? What would he do if he was single??

Why does him having a job mean that he is entitled to a housemaid running around after him?

I simply don’t understand why you accept this. If DH said this to me I’d be aghast. And far from feeling guilty, I’d feel pretty revolted by him.

I haven't voted as - however tongue in cheek you say the options are - you haven't included the actual option I would choose which is to have a serious conversation about division of labour and to let him know you wanted to share the meal prep from now on. then mean it, and stick to it.

It's always this story. Men want their contribution to the relationship to be their wallet, the odd bit of DIY and in return they get their very own domestic appliance in female form.

How about him not showing his "wife and the kids some thought and care around meal prep and planning" - is that petty too?

But why doesn't he do his fair share? Or does he do other chores instead?

If you want him to do half the cooking, take it in turns, or alternate weeks where you each meal plan/cook

Why is it on her to call him to make dinner? Why is she the assumed responsible for dinner?

Well she's not but her husband seems to think she is.

I'll do the kids tea tonight - what are they having?!!

This is the way. I can easily survive off beans on toast for a while. If he doesnt cook just make yourself a snack and leave him to it

You’re complaining about something only you can change. Stop doing 90%’

This!!

I thought you were asking her why she didn’t and I was wondering why she should