He’ll never get it will he?

[Beforeorafterchristmas]

Chatting to DH tonight about what we’d spend money on if we won the lottery. I said I’d love to hire a cook/private chef so I never had to think about what to cook again.

He was incredulous. Said that would be the biggest waste of money ever.

It then dawned on me that it would be a waste of money for HIM because I do that unpaid now anyway. I meal plan, shop and cook 90% of our meals (he does the odd flamboyant dish he’s seen on TV or whatever) but for the most part it’s my ‘job.’

Even when he’s wanted to lose weight, I’ve been the one finding the ‘diet recipes’ and planning out his food/meal prepping for him.

I actually feel so upset that one of the things I’d absolutely love to spend money on is just a result of inequality in our relationship. He doesn’t get it at all, despite several conversations about the ‘mental load,’ the ‘cups by the dishwasher story’ etc.

He likely never will, will he?

YABU - That’s marriage, get over it
YANBU - He’s a man child, LTB

How long have you been doing everything and he’s been doing nothing?

Which is obviously the solution but another example of her having to take on more of this man’s mental load.

Having to teach him how to give a fuck about his partner.

What i think happens s is in the honeymoon period of dating, these women love playing “wifey” and showing their new beau how amazing they are i the kitchen and wax lyrical about how much they LOVE it.

Then they marry and have children…. And never actually communicate with partner that when they went on about how much they LOVE cooking for their man, that has changed and there needs to be more balance.

Instead what seems to happen is simmering resentment

I am also married to a man who can’t / won’t cook. A meal a week with a lot of cajoling.

I used to love cooking and now hate it. It’s just relentlessly awful having to do it every single day.

I’m now moving towards just doing what I fancy and he am hoping that might spark some action. So eg soup, which he doesn’t see as a proper meal.

I don’t think the non-cook can see how huge a task it is. The thinking, the shopping, the planning, the doing - and, at the end of the day when already tried and have children to deal with etc.

It’s a funny thing about a lot of domestic jobs women get lumbered with - they’re repetitive, daily. Compare this to the equivalent a man might claim to contribute eg changing lightbulbs, that might be once a year.

How bizarre. My main question in the early days of any relationship is ‘Am I into him?’

I actually think it’s more than pre children, you just don’t have as many demands on your time - so cooking isn’t such a hassle.

Post-kids you have 10x the domestic load to manage, and so the cooking becomes just another chore in the evening, when you have limited spare time.

I mean - we used to eat out a lot more pre kids, which obviously we can’t don now - or you’d be out socialising a couple of nights a week vs eating pretty much every meal at home. It’s a different job.

Yes… you.

but I’m going to guess that you aren’t in the position of being married to a man who does absolutely nothing in the kitchen @WellHardly

So not one of the people I was describing

I voted YABU because that's the reality of marriage. In a way, the old fashioned transaction approach is more realistic, now I think we put too much pressure and unrealistic expectations having "ideal" lives and partners and romance. What you need to do is to ensure there's equal work being done by both of you. He doesn't need to "get it". He just needs to do his bit. It's up to you how much you tolerate though. Yes it's disappointing.

I do nearly all cooking and food shopping. BUT DH does all laundry and more cleaning than me plus all DIY and most gardening. That's what works for us.

It’s good that he finally realised what was actually going on. It’s depressing but completely believable that he only realised when he read a book about it, not by actually listening to his poor wife. I wonder if she would agree that he has actually changed though?
The “superhuman and the bumbler” phrase. is uncannily accurate. I also spent years being told I was a control freak and shouldn’t worry what other people think, when I was acutely aware that I had to either pick up the slack or allow my kids to have a fairly shit childhood. Since our divorce he lives in squalor and our youngest has refused to see him for nearly 2 years. The older kids have a shower and change their clothes immediately after every visit to Dads. And this is a man who held down a £100K a year job before he decided he was above that as well.

Pretty much. However, I've addressed it by making him see what i have to do and i think it's brought some degree of understanding if not complete. But then i switch off when he talks about his work sooo it goes both ways! In other words, it's hard to walk in someone else's shoes. We both contribute equally though - he works more, I'm at home more, money is for all of us.

I have a male friend who does all the domestics but his high earning wife doesn't get it!

Well maybe not Ltb but surely stop cooking for him

So just to clear up, I was being tongue in cheek with the options, I didn’t realise it would cause such a stir.

In terms of what else does he do, it’s mainly DIY stuff but very little of the actual household chores (I think he’s maybe cleaned the bathroom once since I’ve known him). When we were renovating the house, he’d spend evenings and weekends doing that for example.

He also is self employed and works a lot of hours to contribute the majority of the money - although I’d love to contribute half, we agreed that my career would take a backseat when we had kids. I work fewer hours (around 25-30 a week) but going back, I still did the lions share when I was full time.

And yes we have had many conversations about it. It always ends up with the same “I’m already stressed/overwhelmed with work so can’t take anymore on” from him, me feeling guilty for asking, and so the cycle continues.

I totally get it OP. My own tiny rebellion on this is that my husband is veggie and me and the kids aren’t so I’ve just started cooking meat or fish almost every day and say “oh sorry, I haven’t thought about something for you yet’ I’ll leave that with you”. I don’t care if he only lives on toast. Until he shows me and the kids some thought and care around meal prep and planning I’ve gone on strike caring about his diet

I’ve also stopped washing his clothes. If you don’t want to leave (I don’t, for lots of reasons) you do have to just withdraw a bit to save yourself from burnout or rage or both

This should have been your response.

”Well, over time it would be a hell of a lot cheaper and healthier than living on takeouts every night - which is exactly what you’d be doing if I wasn’t already your private chef without a salary”

In our house, it’s me that does the majority of the cooking as that’s the way it falls for availability. I also do the online shop and take delivery and put it away. My other half will sometimes cook at weekends.
He will do other jobs that fit in with his availability though so I suppose that’s the difference.
When you do cook and he starts to eat, does he thank you and tell
you its nice or does he just eat? That would be important.
It’s a shame though that he doesn’t acknowledge that this is a chore to you.
If he doesn’t spend time doing other required jobs, it might be time to say for eg “you’re cooking on Sunday, Tuesday and Thursday so make sure you know what you’re making and let me know”. If he doesn’t do it, just start to cook for yourself.

Sounds like you are enabling him to get away with being a (very) part-time performative cook rather than someone who does his fair share. Why have you let this happen?

Wow. Thats the most petty thing ive ever heard.

And yes we have had many conversations about it. It always ends up with the same “I’m already stressed/overwhelmed with work so can’t take anymore on” from him, me feeling guilty for asking, and so the cycle continues.

"Same here DH. I can't continue to do this anymore either so I'll be stopping doing your laundry or meals from now on as that will ease my stress a lot."

If he is untidy then get a box and dump all his stuff in that, including empty crisp packets etc and place it next to his side of the bed. He either deals with it or not, but at least it's all in one place, out of general sight.

Although, honestly, you seem to be at the beginning of the end of your marriage as resentment and frustration are both relationship killers. Start planning your exit strategy, it might be next year or in ten, but unless he gets a lightbulb moment this is it. Sorry OP.

Stop doing it and see what happens.

Why didn't you call him when you were stuck in traffic and ask him to make dinner?