He’ll never get it will he?

[Beforeorafterchristmas]

Chatting to DH tonight about what we’d spend money on if we won the lottery. I said I’d love to hire a cook/private chef so I never had to think about what to cook again.

He was incredulous. Said that would be the biggest waste of money ever.

It then dawned on me that it would be a waste of money for HIM because I do that unpaid now anyway. I meal plan, shop and cook 90% of our meals (he does the odd flamboyant dish he’s seen on TV or whatever) but for the most part it’s my ‘job.’

Even when he’s wanted to lose weight, I’ve been the one finding the ‘diet recipes’ and planning out his food/meal prepping for him.

I actually feel so upset that one of the things I’d absolutely love to spend money on is just a result of inequality in our relationship. He doesn’t get it at all, despite several conversations about the ‘mental load,’ the ‘cups by the dishwasher story’ etc.

He likely never will, will he?

YABU - That’s marriage, get over it
YANBU - He’s a man child, LTB

Ha I totally get this. My ExDH and I paid most of our salaries into a joint account for foo, bills, holidays, kids etc. We were left with an equal monthly amount in our own accounts to spend on what we wanted. I was desperate for a cleaner. We had two young DC. Both worked full time. And I did 90% of everything. He said he didn’t agree we needed a cleaner! It shouldn’t be a joint expense as he didn’t want one. Therefore I should have to pay for it myself from my monthly allowance.

Yes, YOU don’t want a cleaner because muggins does all the cleaning (and washing and food shopping and pretty much everything really…..) so it doesn’t affect you in any way. Of course you don’t want to PAY for a cleaner when this idiot does it all for free!

WE paid for a cleaner.

I left a few years later

When I had the kids DH worked away and I was SAHM/PT so I did all the cleaning, gardening etc and he might cook one meal when he was home, and did a bit of DIY when necessary.
Fast forward to us in our 50/60’s (he’s retired) and all he does is cook a couple of nights a week and mow the lawn in summer, he doesn’t even DIY any more. I was never able to get him to start doing 50% because if I brought it up it would cause a bad atmosphere.
So my warning to younger women, get 50:50 from the off, don’t accept anything less.

ETA if I’m doing the washing and there’s too much for a load, I leave his in the basket so he runs out and has to wash his when I’m working!

I can only speak for myself, but I'm fond of my inlaws and they're good to me. I want them to get nice gifts and for their occasions to be remembered. DH would do the bare minimum/nothing.

I did the bulk of housework, cooking etc while the DCs were growing up which, as DH worked long hours building a business, I felt was fair. DH would cook Christmas lunch & often would do a roast at weekends as well as making DC's lunches while I was getting them ready for school.

DH retired about 8 years ago, I still work 3 days a week, & since then he's taken over-does 95% of cooking & most of the housework.

As PP have said, if you're not happy, discuss with DH about him taking over his fair share of cooking, menu planning etc,

I get it - I was in a similar position to you and would also got similar answers when I expressed my dissatisfaction about the inequalities and the fact that he felt that he was the only person entitled to a rest at weekends. When my now ex got made redundant I stopped doing everything & made him do it; he felt very aggrieved - funny how he thought it was OK for me to do everything even though I still worked after having the children (part time, starting at half week & gradually increased my hrs as they got older). Working 30 hrs is the equivalent of working 4 days - by the time you do everything at home, you’re effectively working longer hours than him! A set up like that isn’t a good example to children either. I stayed (even though I was very unhappy for other reasons too) for many years, for several reasons which I won’t go into. However suffice to say that I’m now thoroughly enjoying my freedom (the children are at uni, so I live on my own). I have no interest of finding another man (once bitten twice shy) - better being on your own than in an unhappy marriage. We have now been separated 2.5yrs (I was working 30hrs too when we separated) and we’re in the process of getting divorced.

I hope the conversation you had with your H has woken you up to how you’re being taken for granted and your work isn’t appreciated. It’s up to you to stop enabling him (though I understand why you haven’t before). You could make him do the meal planning, shopping and cooking (without resorting to takeaways or ready meals or foods that are ready to go in the oven), at least at weekends. Alternatively just cook & do laundry for yourself and the children.

What I’d like to know is, what would be his first choice to spend a lot of money on?

I don’t mind admitting that my dh has never really cooked, largely because he always worked a lot longer hours than I did, so I never expected him to start cooking when he came home at 7pm. And for many years when we were living abroad he only had one day off a week, which was usually spent on the beach/on our boat.
Since he retired he invariably clears up the kitchen (properly!) though, which suits me just fine.
Plus he’s an utterly unfussy eater, and is always appreciative of whatever he’s given.

Is he good at other stuff around the house? I would say I do 90% of the cooking and meal planning but my husband will always do the weekly shop (with my list!) and he is also much better at me than putting the washing on/cleaning and just being generally more organised! So I can’t really complain and accept we both do our fair share. It’s when you are doing everything it’s not fair.

Just because I don’t cook daily for him doesn’t mean I can’t stand him.

What a strange leap.

I know, I don’t even cook for my husband at Christmas but I still love him!

I find cooking is quicker and more pleasant when done together. I am doing chopping and cleaning whilst DH is at the cooker. He’s rubbish at cleaning up and I dislike cooking. So this way we get a meal on the table and a clean kitchen. And the meal is planned by hello fresh so neither of us have to do that. Might that work for you?

Selfish, lazy git. Fancy losing his rag over a what if suggestion. He needs to do the shopping from now on at least. I do the majority of cooking, but it's something I enjoy. Hubby gets the groceries and I might do a top up but the main shop is my husbands responsibility He's taking you for granted. The bloody cheek of him. He's p#ssed me off and I don't even know him or I hope I don't.

When my dh didn’t come on board as a partner I stepped massively back. I stopped shopping. So he was doing the shop and he would come back and not tell me what he hadn’t got. I would get to Tuesday preparing dinner and realise I didn’t have the main ingredient and another couple. I talked and talked to him but it didn’t change and I didn’t feel like checking his shop off a list as it came in like a prison warden, so I stopped meal planning and mostly stopped cooking. Now he meal plans, does most shops and overall does a very fair amount of all the daily tasks 😊

Why doesn't he cook? We do it 50/50 and my partner used to be a chef!

Single here too. Sometimes I would prefer not to be but I also do not want to increase my domestic load which most relationships seem to do.

I think the issue with some of this is not simply worry about how you appear.

I don’t but gifts for partner’s families but then I have never had a partner whose family was into general gift giving. However if my in-laws always brought me a gift I would feel really impolite refusing to get them one in return if my husband also refused.

And sometimes it comes down to personal comfort. A former colleague refused to pick up after her husband expecting he would eventually stop leaving his shit everywhere. He did not and she broke as she could not bear his clothes lying around everywhere / dirty crockery lying around etc.

Ditto cooking as he will just revert to takeaways. Whoever has the lower mess tolerance, lower tolerance for poor eating will crack first.