DM laughed in my face at return to work/nursery transition

[Motherscanbefuppers]

Like many first time mums, I’ve found the transition back to work/DD starting nursery/constant bugs/sickness quite difficult. Started in January so 7 weeks in now and not getting any easier. We live 4 hours from DM and extended family - previously would visit once a month but haven’t made it up yet due to work/nursery transition etc. They keep saying how much they miss DD so travelled down tonight to see them.

First thing DM says to me (after arriving at 10pm) was “so you’ve had a rough few weeks since we last saw you eh?” WHILST LAUGHING. I replied, “yes, it’s been very tough with sickness etc, I’m not sure why you are laughing?”. DM then says “oh you thought you had it so easy with a baby (DD slept well etc), but now your trenches have come HAHAHAHA”.

Again, I replied “I never revelled in any woman going through the trenches, I don’t know why you are revelling in my misery now”.

For context, we have ZERO help on a day to day basis (until nursery last month), DH and I can never get even an hour to ourselves to have an adult conversation (which is fine, we chose to have DD who we love to bits) BUT my DM looks after my siblings’ children full time and whenever they want to go for dinner/nights out/weekends away. Obviously, they live closer but there’s nothing stopping DM visiting me (she will if there is a concert on where she can stay with me for free) but she has never done so since DD was born 15 months ago.

She expects me to bring DD to see her then laughs in my face when I walk through the door?! AIBU?

YABU - your DM is entitled to find your hardship a source of amusement

YANBU - your DM is a disgrace

I’d be absolutely fuming 😤 totally insensitive! It’s hard work and takes time to get into a routine etc…. You’ll get there it’s all very new but comments like this are not helpful.

If you normally have a good relationship with your mum I would take it as light hearted.

It's tiring the stage you are at, it does get more balanced and easier, you are in the centre of the storm at the minute.

So rude. Stop visiting, you’ve enough on your plate.

Yeah dont be travelling with a 15 month old at unsociable hours just to please someone with the cheek to laugh at your recent woes. I don't get people (let alone your own mother!) who can show a bit of mean-spirited glee at someone else's challenges; she should have read the room at your first admonishment and left it there.

It's doubly rude when you've travelled to see her too, I wouldn't make the effort next time and reiterate thar you'd like her to visit you for a change.

I would have left. How nasty and uncaring.

I think it sounds like she got annoyed that you had it so easy with your DD as a newborn.
Those content mothers with easy babies did get under my skin tbh even though I wish I didn't get so jealous.
She probably felt inadequate as she may have struggled with kids since the births so now wants to get one up by rubbing your face in it.

Totally no need for it, but hopefully she's done with it now and won't bring it up again.

I try so hard to listen to friends talking about how easily their babies sleep without shouting about how traumatic my first child was but I wouldn't laugh at someone like she has done.

She can have a Grandma Time Out until she adjusts her bitch pill dosage. I think she’s overdosed.

I agree with pp, if you have a good relationship I would take this very light hearted and laugh along. Jumping to take offence is never going to benefit you in any relationship.
All these people who agree won't have repercussions over your relationship suffering. Have you suggested they cone and stay before? Have you got adequate childcare in place, are you being resentful for your choice to live away? Everyone has different set ups - stop taking offence so easily.

People saying 'I'd have walked out' - seriously? Follow up being you have a falling out and a breakdown in a relationship over a few (misjudged?) lighthearted comments. How dramatic!

I don't think I would be rushing back while still under so much pressure

I mean I don't think the comment and laughing sound all that bad, maybe a bit misguided but probably not intentionally. I suspect you are quite sensitive at the moment as the transition is tricky for you and you are probably exhausted physically and emotionally. It would have been lovely if she was more understanding than that, but some people just don't put things well.

I do think you have a choice over whether you visit and how often you do so. You just need to have that conversation and explain what you are willing and able to do and that if they would like to see your dd more then they can make the effort to travel sometimes too.

Your mum obviously resents you for moving away from the family area and wants you to have your comeuppance for that decision.

Let me guess, you now live in London and the rest of the family live in some dying shit hole backwater where there are no prospects?

I wouldn't be rushing back, and perhaps she can book a hotel next time she wants to see a show.

Gosh, why is anywhere outside of London described as 'a dying backwarer' with bi prospects? What an odd and small minded comment.

Well done for challenging her unkind comments. How did she respond?

Well this is going to derail the whole thread 😂

I'm not being small minded, for the record I don't live in London. Not everywhere is, there are lots of lovely parts of the UK. Maybe OP doesn't live in London either.

Maybe the extended family lives in a thriving part of the country outside London.

But I'm willing to bet they don't. And that where the laughing in the face comes from. OP has moved away to better herself and her mum resents her for that.

Tell her if she’s going to be unkind then she can get back in her car and head back home again. And stop the monthly vists for a while.

She's trying to be cunty.

I'd definitely be turning the spare room into a gym or something.

I feel like the shittiness of what she said was probably exasperated by the fact you are tired, fed up, stress and struggling - or maybe even a little bit of a bruised mum-ego. (I know the feeling well, I had two extremely well behaved baby’s who self well, barely cried ect.. to get one turn out to be the stroppiest little toddler and I felt like I’d jinxed myself and hated that I’d bragged about how good he was as a baby 🤣)

if you have an otherwise good relationship with your mum it was probably meant as a lighthearted, let’s laugh it off kind of thing.. but that never works when someone is genuinely feeling rock bottom, a bit ‘kick a man while he’s down’

I wouldn’t let this instance destroy your relationship with the mum, and her granddaughter. Perhaps send a message to explain that in the moment it wasn’t funny, time and place ect. But equally, if comments continue.. it might just be that you’re seeing DM in a different light since being a parent yourself and maybe this is a change in relationship.
I highly suspect though, that you are just absolutely knackered, missing quality time with DD and feeling like everything is piling on.

Maybe rather than guessing focus on the facts?
OP I think you may be over reacting to a silly comment.
You are tired and everything seems worse when you’re tired.
If your relationship with your mum is generally good this isn’t worth falling out over.
You do live 4 hrs away so I’m not sure how much your mum can help with child care when she is already looking after your nieces/ nephews full time. She is probably exhausted as well.

I have to laugh at just how millennial this entire comment is. I’m sorry, I hope your not offended but my GOD. 🤣

To some extent I am amazed you have only now encountered this phenomenon.

Its normally a certain type of woman but to some extent generational.
I and most of my friends have encountered at some point. My friends mil laughed at her for most her pregnancy because she had hgv 🤨

I think it comes from a place of misery and women who suffered through lack if choices.

But now I think of it i had one really weird experience with my own mum (who is actually v. Nice)
went through a short phase when dd was 18m/2yrs of doing a big of knee slapping and sniggering routine when my oldest started having tantrums.

"Ahhahaha! Ha! Good luck with that! now you know what its like. Now you are going to see what I went through! hahaha haha! Hee hee! This is good" And was rubbing her hands
It was absolutely a BIZARRE wtf moment.

I said something along the lines of
"what is wrong with you? She can hear you! Why do that? Because am I such an obnoxious arsehole? you had such a miserable time raising me?"

And then she said it was her sense of humour and looked tearful ?!? She apologised and shes never done anything like it again.

I'd say something to your dm about it (more calmly than I did)
What did dhe after your revelling comment?

Sure probably shouldn't have said it but overreaction here.

Yep lol
I'm assuming many people on here are very young?
What a thing to fall out over.
And later destroying one emergency contact that you may have had!

YANBU
It was unkind to laugh at your stress.

I think she was just trying to be the know-it-all, I-told-you-so person and it was rather cruel to take that stance when she could have been much more empathetic and caring.
Maybe she didn’t like you having been able to manage so well with a new baby. Maybe she needed to feel that you needed her help and she felt somehow rejected when you didn’t need her.

But you are there now and your responses were spontaneous, fair and spot on. So good for you OP. You dealt with it in the moment. And that means you can now let it go and give her the benefit of the doubt going forward.

Try to make the most of her help a bit now so that she can make a bond with your little one. And let’s hope she won’t be so smug and mocking any more.
Good luck with the nursery transition!