DM laughed in my face at return to work/nursery transition

[Motherscanbefuppers]

Like many first time mums, I’ve found the transition back to work/DD starting nursery/constant bugs/sickness quite difficult. Started in January so 7 weeks in now and not getting any easier. We live 4 hours from DM and extended family - previously would visit once a month but haven’t made it up yet due to work/nursery transition etc. They keep saying how much they miss DD so travelled down tonight to see them.

First thing DM says to me (after arriving at 10pm) was “so you’ve had a rough few weeks since we last saw you eh?” WHILST LAUGHING. I replied, “yes, it’s been very tough with sickness etc, I’m not sure why you are laughing?”. DM then says “oh you thought you had it so easy with a baby (DD slept well etc), but now your trenches have come HAHAHAHA”.

Again, I replied “I never revelled in any woman going through the trenches, I don’t know why you are revelling in my misery now”.

For context, we have ZERO help on a day to day basis (until nursery last month), DH and I can never get even an hour to ourselves to have an adult conversation (which is fine, we chose to have DD who we love to bits) BUT my DM looks after my siblings’ children full time and whenever they want to go for dinner/nights out/weekends away. Obviously, they live closer but there’s nothing stopping DM visiting me (she will if there is a concert on where she can stay with me for free) but she has never done so since DD was born 15 months ago.

She expects me to bring DD to see her then laughs in my face when I walk through the door?! AIBU?

YABU - your DM is entitled to find your hardship a source of amusement

YANBU - your DM is a disgrace

Your mother comes across as rather trashy. It’s not only very immature but low class.

Why do you let this woman stay with you for free??

You have my sympathy OP. I am FTM and have a newborn. With changes in formula and colic and general newborn-ness, some nights have been hard and DMIL has been a bit glib about it all. DH doesn’t see it, but i do. This came after also moaning that she isn’t getting LO on her own until they are bigger. Too bad.

A mother getting annoyed that her own DD has a baby that sleeps? My mind is blown!

I agree. I secretly feel smug when someone has a difficult toddler when they were a very easy baby. The mum’s comments could be light hearted depending on how she said it.

Somehow based on silly throwaway comments, OP’s mother has no class and most likely lives in a “backwater” dead city.

I honestly think she was saying something lighthearted without thinking too hard about it but OP has completely blown it up in her mind.

Some mothers are absolutely crackers.
I have one of that type as well.

It was unkind but I wouldn't let it ruin your relationship. Sometimes people say weird things/make weird jokes. Perhaps bring it up in a while and let her know it hurt your feelings, see how she reacts.

I mostly wanted to commiserate that your DD has started nursery in January- that's rough! Prime germ time. It feels like the illnesses are never ending but it will get better in the warmer weather, and next Winter won't be quite so bad! It's a big adjustment made much worse with sickness upsetting the routine but it will get better ❤

OP I detect jealousy and trying to bring you down a peg or two from your DM.

I’m guessing you moved away to a wealthier area/better prospects and your siblings stayed put.

She thinks you’ve got ‘notions’ and wants to put you back in your box. Her negative feelings escaped by way of revelling in your (in her mind) deserved hardship.

I could be completely wrong but this was the first thing that came to mind reading your OP.

I know nothing like a bit of casual misogyny to keep the thread flowing.

I agree. I don't understand how mumsnetters get through life tbh, so bloody dramatic!

It comes across as I know better than you, as I’ve looked after more/got more experience. I would talk to her about it today. I had a mil that would make comments like this. I distanced myself but she did mellow over time. It’s definitely not funny when dc keep getting ill. Particularly for your dc, plus it’s hard work. Your mum was definitely lacking in a sense of care.

I agree with pp, if you have a good relationship I would take this very light hearted and laugh along. Jumping to take offence is never going to benefit you in any relationship.
All these people who agree won't have repercussions over your relationship suffering.

This. When did people get so sensitive& easily offended? She likely doesn't realise just how tired you are. She's your mum, she's not trying to get at you.

Why a mother would enjoy seeing her daughter suffer is beyond me.

Did you move away from your hometown and she is pissed off and this is your punishment?

I’ve seen this several times. Both mothers and older women bosses. ‘Nobody helped me so why should you get it so easy?’. It’s more about their own bitterness than wanting someone to suffer but same result despite different motivations. Luckily they are in the minority.

It sounds like you’re being a bit dramatic and sensitive. A few weeks of colds and bugs with a toddler is completely normal. “You’ve had a few rough weeks?” With a bit of a laugh instantly got your back up so your mum couldn’t do right from wrong at that point. It was just light small talk.

You also started your post saying extended family would visits you once a month before Jan, but couldn’t after the nursery transition, but at the end you’re complaining your mother has never once visited you?

The first year in nursery is absolutely grim. It’s a viral soup in there. Have gone through it myself as a mum of 3 you deserve nothing less than sympathy and help and hugs.

She was probably making a joke but it was incredibly insensitive and I’d be really upset if my DM ever made a remark like that.

Just to offer some reassurance, I have two DC and found the stage/age your DC is at really hard. But the sweet spot is coming, I promise. Almost overnight I went from finding it ridiculously hard with DC1 to suddenly finding it (relatively) easy.

A clumsy lighthearted comment from your Mum. It happens. Not worth a drama or falling out over, 🤷‍♀️

I would simply point out, quietly, that unlike your sister, who has her mother’s constant help you have none. That whilst you need to live so far away because of work etc she could chose to come and stay and help you during this transition, but doesn’t unless it suits her to go to a concert, that her comments are not funny but hurtful and then walk away and do something else leaving her to unpack, see your daughter etc

What did she say back to you?

I’d point out - if you knew I was struggling and you missed DD why couldn’t you come to see me? Oh you only do it for concerts don’t you.

Your mum’s a bitch! Lots of posters saying “oh I’m sure she meant it in a lighthearted way” - no, your child is struggling and the first thing you do is mock? You’re not a nice person.

Pull back from her - she misses your DD? She can miss her a bit longer. You don’t owe her access at any cost.

Starting back at work and first DD starting nursery was AWFUL. Combination of her being upset at being left, illness, me not having much interest in work as I just wanted to be home with DD- it took a fair while to adjust and settle for both of us. The idea of my mum or any of my friends sniggering at that is just horrible. YANBU. By the way it DOES get so much better! And it was never as bad with my subsequent children- not even the illness (maybe because they were already exposed to older siblings). Hang in there OP, hope you have some kinder friends to support you

Also do not put yourself out to see her next time! Say next time it’s her turn to come to you.

She’s awful. Stop bothering to visit her, why would you make the effort when she treats you like that.

For some reason, laughter does seem to be a response to someone having a hard time. I don’t know why but I know exactly what you mean. I remember years ago as a very young woman (so many years ago) my car wouldn’t start in a car park. I had no money and pretty much lived in the car at the time so it was a fairly serious situation for me, but when I got out and the bonnet was steaming the woman next to me started doing exactly what you’ve described your mum doing ‘oh tee hee hee, looks like you’re not going anywhere!’ I just burst into tears and she was shocked and apologetic.

I don’t think she meant any real harm, just tone deaf, but it is really upsetting. And worse from your mum of course.