DM laughed in my face at return to work/nursery transition

[Motherscanbefuppers]

Like many first time mums, I’ve found the transition back to work/DD starting nursery/constant bugs/sickness quite difficult. Started in January so 7 weeks in now and not getting any easier. We live 4 hours from DM and extended family - previously would visit once a month but haven’t made it up yet due to work/nursery transition etc. They keep saying how much they miss DD so travelled down tonight to see them.

First thing DM says to me (after arriving at 10pm) was “so you’ve had a rough few weeks since we last saw you eh?” WHILST LAUGHING. I replied, “yes, it’s been very tough with sickness etc, I’m not sure why you are laughing?”. DM then says “oh you thought you had it so easy with a baby (DD slept well etc), but now your trenches have come HAHAHAHA”.

Again, I replied “I never revelled in any woman going through the trenches, I don’t know why you are revelling in my misery now”.

For context, we have ZERO help on a day to day basis (until nursery last month), DH and I can never get even an hour to ourselves to have an adult conversation (which is fine, we chose to have DD who we love to bits) BUT my DM looks after my siblings’ children full time and whenever they want to go for dinner/nights out/weekends away. Obviously, they live closer but there’s nothing stopping DM visiting me (she will if there is a concert on where she can stay with me for free) but she has never done so since DD was born 15 months ago.

She expects me to bring DD to see her then laughs in my face when I walk through the door?! AIBU?

YABU - your DM is entitled to find your hardship a source of amusement

YANBU - your DM is a disgrace

It sounds as if your mother has serious issues with you. Were you parentified as a child? Does she expect you to fill in the gaps in her life so that her neuroses are not revealed?

Oh I thought she had travelled to you (which would be bad enough) but you still did the travel and she laughed when you walked in?

I mean, you know her to know whether it was well-intentioned finding humour in the face of adversity bonding over shared experience laughter. Or her finding it funny that you are having a tough time. Or social awkwardness anxiety laughter.

Is there an underlying tension about you having moved so far away? Maybe it's a "you made that choice to move far away when if you'd stayed close I could have helped you and you thought it would be fine but now look at you" laugh.

Obviously quite mean but you are overreacting.
If yours sleeps well you are very lucky a few illnesses which kids who dont sleep well will suffer too and likely worse wont balance that so silly comment from her really.

Mine hardly slept, it was just a first sign of sen. The one also got seriously ill from nursery and i ended up quitting work
For us the never sleeping was just the start of a much harder than average journey which has continued through every milestone. Dd is y9 and we were up really late as she couldnt pick between 2 gcses.

So you think its “dramatic” to have boundaries or defend yourself when people are being a dick to you?

You’re a doormat.

She sounds a nasty piece of work

Sounds like your mother is resentful that you live far from her and maybe feels hurt that you don’t “need “ her as much as your sibling does.

I would have replied back to her , well I have seen how much you do for sibling so I think we are managing just fine on our own.

dont get too her up about it.

Its an Emotionally Immature Parent thing
My DM was the same
She obviously took my toddler/ childhood normal behaviour as a slight against her ( Narc alert!) and is delighted that you are now " getting it back" ( dm words)
I could write a book about the things my DM did
Thankfully I had an amazing kind and loving DH and MIL

Keep an open mind Op, could just be a one off or the start of undermining behaviours

One of her comments was "Piece of nonsense women having stitches after giving birth - I just popped them out".

I then pointed out that my son weighed 9 and a half pounds compared to her 4 and 5 pound births.

If your relationship is usually good personally I don’t think it’s a hill to die on. Obviously I don’t know your mum but I don’t think it was meant in a malicious way and you’re being a tad sensitive. Understandable given your having a tough time of it.

I probably wouldn’t have walked out but after being spoken to like that by someone revelling unbidden in my difficulties, l certainly wouldn’t be in a hurry to drive four hours so that grandma can have a relationship with her grandchild. Grandma needs to learn that her daughter needs to be on board with her having that relationship and this isn’t the way to facilitate it.

Oh and OP, next time a concert or similar comes to town, l’d have a list of convenient hotels to hand.

I'm sorry your mum said that, OP. Is your mum usually so nasty? Reminds me of my own mum sniggering when I couldn't cope. She was an idiot, though. I found support elsewhere.

She was being very unkind.

In your shoes (i live in a different country to my family, and moved towns 2 weeks before DC1 was born - so no village) i would retreat to my trenches, and dig in and get through the hard bits.

And if DM wants to see the DGC then she can come to you at a time that is convenient to you. Once you are all in a routine it does get easier (but not easy - so go easy on yourselves)

I wouldn't mention how much support she gives siblings unless it comes up in natural conversation. Then both barrels.

Why assume that OP bragged or was a nightmare? How could OP help that if she was a nightmare baby and why as a mother would you use that against your own child?

Since OP lives hours away and I would think they may talk to each other, sleeping would come up when it comes to a baby. In my experience, it was one of the first things people asked me.

My MIL used to be like this. Take real pleasure in my misery, I think the transition to nursery and work is one of the hardest moments in parenting. It doesn't last forever but it is grim and exhausting. If this is new behaviour I would explain how hurtful it is. If this is part of a wider pattern of favouritism and cruelty and I would be massively stepping back and not going to visit.

Because mums were really smug and smirked when I barely slept as my baby barely slept. I have an easy toddler now and they don’t.

If you don’t have the capacity to be offended when its important you have no values or backbone.

I’d rather be “seriously offended” than be an amoeba who gets pushed around by people with more character.

In what way is the mother pushing the OP around by not offering childcare when the OP chooses to live 4 hours away?

How horrible of your mum. Is your sister by any chance the golden child in your family?

Boomers gonna boom 🤷🏻‍♀️

I am so sorry. That is so bitter and resentful. There are probably a generation of women who had they truly had choices (which were financially and socially acceptable) might not have chosen to be full time carers of children. They resent the life they gave up, the 'burden' and lack of support and are gleeful when they see the next generation struggling because "now you know what it was like"....
I'm so sorry. Find and cultivate good friends at a similar stage, hoping you find some solidarity and sympathy here and in real life.

pack it in with the sodding ageism.

FGS

I suspect your mum wasn't trying to be cruel, but rather misplaced time to show smugness. Were you very smug about your easy baby/ a bit of a know it all with it? Some people find it hard to resist saying "I told you so".

That said it wasn't kind of your mum to choose a time you are struggling to teach you a lesson. However if you otherwise have a good relationship I would take a week to cool down and then let it go. It sounds like you are tired and stressed, and things are a bit difficult, and you may be overreacting. Especially with all the "she takes care of others and we have no help" which, between the lines, does seem to play a part in your anger.

I didn't say anything about not offering childcare. I'd be offended that the mum is being a dick and making snide wisecracks at the OP's expense when she's in the early weeks of being back at work with a young baby and at the same time expecting more time with them.

People treat you as you allow them too. It's not being "dramatic" to refuse to be spoken to like this.

I think she is being a bit tactless rather than unkind .She probably isnt at her best at 2am either! That said she needs to make the effort as well.It would be better for her to come to you.