DM laughed in my face at return to work/nursery transition

[Motherscanbefuppers]

Like many first time mums, I’ve found the transition back to work/DD starting nursery/constant bugs/sickness quite difficult. Started in January so 7 weeks in now and not getting any easier. We live 4 hours from DM and extended family - previously would visit once a month but haven’t made it up yet due to work/nursery transition etc. They keep saying how much they miss DD so travelled down tonight to see them.

First thing DM says to me (after arriving at 10pm) was “so you’ve had a rough few weeks since we last saw you eh?” WHILST LAUGHING. I replied, “yes, it’s been very tough with sickness etc, I’m not sure why you are laughing?”. DM then says “oh you thought you had it so easy with a baby (DD slept well etc), but now your trenches have come HAHAHAHA”.

Again, I replied “I never revelled in any woman going through the trenches, I don’t know why you are revelling in my misery now”.

For context, we have ZERO help on a day to day basis (until nursery last month), DH and I can never get even an hour to ourselves to have an adult conversation (which is fine, we chose to have DD who we love to bits) BUT my DM looks after my siblings’ children full time and whenever they want to go for dinner/nights out/weekends away. Obviously, they live closer but there’s nothing stopping DM visiting me (she will if there is a concert on where she can stay with me for free) but she has never done so since DD was born 15 months ago.

She expects me to bring DD to see her then laughs in my face when I walk through the door?! AIBU?

YABU - your DM is entitled to find your hardship a source of amusement

YANBU - your DM is a disgrace

Did you also have your mum laughing at your struggle?

You sound awful.

Yeah. Your ideas and experiences and knowledge are outdated.

Sorry about that. That’s life.

Research and developing knowledge continues.

Your generation is absolutely not the font of all knowledge and research. Far from it. Accept it.

Repect new mothers. Let them learn for themselves. Stop demanding to be the centre of attention.

@katyppyou sound like an utter cow who enjoys new mums see things ‘unravel’ to prove your own ancient parenting experience. Horrible.

Hope you’re not around new mums.

She's just into shit-stirring. Does it on every thread. You don't have to feed it.

If you generally get on with DM let them know how unhelpful and hurtful their comments were.

If they seem to genuinely remorseful, accept any apology and move on.

If they turn it back on you for being ‘too sensitive’ or similar and don’t seem remorseful then you might want to minimise contact.

If they are remorseful you might want to point out how you feel a bit resentful when you see them spend so much time helping your sibling. Acknowledge that they live closer so of course, it’s much easier to be involved… but that you would really grateful if they could help you on a regular basis at some level (say an every other month ‘late’ or overnight babysitting session to allow you to go out)

I think your mum's comments are the kind of thing that in the right context could be taken as a light hearted joke. You are feeling really stressed ATM so you don't find it funny, which is totally fair, but doesn't necessarily make your DM a monster.

I also don't know the context of how you've communicated previously. Maybe she normally says this sort of thing and you don't appear to be offended, in which case she's just talking as she would normally. It's very different, however, if you've previously said or implied these comments wind you up and you would prefer a bit more sympathy and less banter

I’ve just read some of the other responses on here. They’re wild. I mean, even if we’re saying Mum was joking and OP WAS oversensitive…. the mum clearly doesn’t know her own children very well if she expected it to be taken as a joke and didn’t pick up on her daughter’s discomfort.

Speaking out of turn or making a joke out of something that isn’t a joke to the recipient , is very easily done. Mum making the joke isn’t really the problem. It’s what happens afterwards that defines how this incident should be treated.

It's only a joke if both people find it funny.

Every age and stage has good and bad bits. Your mum seems to take delight in a stage you are struggling with. That's not nice. I personally hated the aged 3-5 stage but saw others who mastered it without an issue but no one ever was nasty like your mum has been. Id reduce contact for now.

Ok <shrug>. Luckily for both of us, not only do I not really care what an anonymous person on the internet thinks, I am also not going to judge your entire personality based on one comment.

Sure I had a mum who had a rueful laugh at how when I was pregnant I said I might write a book or learn a new language....and then I didn't. But I also had a laugh about it, because I genuinely can't fathom thinking that my own mother who loves me and who I love, would be "laughing at my struggle". That's the absolute worst interpretation of what happened here, and I get that the OP is feeling stressed but I honestly feel she needs a reality check.

Like I said, for a woman who seems to be close to her mum, I find it odd the jump to "she meant this in a hurtful way" rather than some introspection of "maybe I'm taking it a little personally what she meant in a light-hearted way".

I accept maybe my tone was a little harsh. But seriously. So many of you need to have a bloody word with yourself. Most people are not complete arseholes just out to upset you. Going through life not thinking the worst of people will help you lead a happier life.

Sorry, what?

Oh ok. So nuance and perspective don't exist then? Good to know.

Also - who said anything about fault? I certainly didn't.

I guess the difference between friendly ribbing and a nasty comment comes down to the tone, @FunMustard, and if @Motherscanbefuppers was upset by the comment her mum made, that might suggest that it was hurtful rather than funny.

I think it also depends on the dynamic between the ribber and the ribbee - some families have banter back and forth between the members, and it is fine because everyone is happy with that sort of relationship. But in other circumstances, the ‘banter’ can be hurtful - not part of a happy relationship, but I tended to be unkind, but disguised as ribbing - “Don’t be so sensitive, I was just joking”. We all know that this happens, and can be very unpleasant.

We don’t know what the OP’s relationship with her mum is like - but she does, and she was unhappy about her mum’s comment, and I don’t think we should leap to invalidate that, when we weren’t there. Questions, yes, but not minimising her feelings.

Just to add - I think there is a difference between laughing at someone, and laughing with them. The first is unpleasant, the second is OK.

My impression is that the OP’s mum was laughing at her. I got the same impression when my mum made her unsupportive comment to me. I just wanted a bit of support, when ds3 was being a teenage nightmare, and what I got was “You had it easy with ds1 and ds2 - maybe this is your comeuppance”.

How many siblings do you have and how many children is your DM (now a grandmother) looking after?

I think it's generational OP.
The older generation have thicker skin and the younger ones lack resilience and a sense of humour.

Hardly a grudge is it. That's a bit melodramatic. She just thinks it's funny that her granddaughter is exactly like her mother.

My mum quite often laughs at naughty things my kids do and goes 'Ohhh yes, I remember that well!' I laugh with her. It's funny.

This 100%. Life is so joyless, po-faced and earnest for children now. I honestly don't know how people get though theur days now when every human interaction Is overanalysed and offence taken at the drop of a hat.

I can’t ever imagine expressing glee if my daughter told me she was struggling. It’s such a nasty mean thing to do. She should have been supportive, made you a cuppa and let you vent about it and encouraged you by telling you it’s not permanent and things will improve, as well as offering any practical support she could.

Has she always been like this?

I have read the op again and there is nothing in it to suggest 'glee' to me. Ribbing yes, but glee no.
People honestly need to lighten up, they really do. I have no idea when or how this attirude that raising children now is so much harder than it was in the past and younger parents should be treated as if they are the first parents ever to have gone through it.
The mum has been there, done it and seen it. It sounds to me as if the OP has possibly been rather smug to this point and her mother would have seen this coming.
Why people are so anxious to isolate themselves from their family and friends over the most minor of fall outs is beyond me. There seems to be a complete inability or unwillingness to see things from anyone's perspective other than their own and no one seems to consider the bigger picture of fallibg out with everyone.
Does it never occur to these people that they will be grandparents one day?

She sounds mean

You seem to have forgotten your previous awful post on here, which shows the very opposite of a sense of humour and a thick skin. I see no evidence of older people being more resilient or humourous on here, quite the opposite if these two posts are anything to go by. People are individuals. Try to remember that rather than making ageist comments!

@Katypp - you weren't there, @Motherscanbefuppers was. Maybe she has a better idea than you do, of the tone her mother used!

If she’s looking after all your siblings’ (more than one!) children full time, then she can’t realistically visit you that often if you’re 4 hours away.

As for her comment…it could be bitchy, it could be jokey-you know your mum. If you think it’s bitchy, is this out of character for her or expected?

OP's mother raised several children and is now looking after several grandchildren. She's mocking her daughter as she's now getting a sense of the challenges that OP may not have been aware of until now.
OP needs to grow thicker skin.
Somehow I don't think she was "parentified" as a child, on the contrary.