DM laughed in my face at return to work/nursery transition

[Motherscanbefuppers]

Like many first time mums, I’ve found the transition back to work/DD starting nursery/constant bugs/sickness quite difficult. Started in January so 7 weeks in now and not getting any easier. We live 4 hours from DM and extended family - previously would visit once a month but haven’t made it up yet due to work/nursery transition etc. They keep saying how much they miss DD so travelled down tonight to see them.

First thing DM says to me (after arriving at 10pm) was “so you’ve had a rough few weeks since we last saw you eh?” WHILST LAUGHING. I replied, “yes, it’s been very tough with sickness etc, I’m not sure why you are laughing?”. DM then says “oh you thought you had it so easy with a baby (DD slept well etc), but now your trenches have come HAHAHAHA”.

Again, I replied “I never revelled in any woman going through the trenches, I don’t know why you are revelling in my misery now”.

For context, we have ZERO help on a day to day basis (until nursery last month), DH and I can never get even an hour to ourselves to have an adult conversation (which is fine, we chose to have DD who we love to bits) BUT my DM looks after my siblings’ children full time and whenever they want to go for dinner/nights out/weekends away. Obviously, they live closer but there’s nothing stopping DM visiting me (she will if there is a concert on where she can stay with me for free) but she has never done so since DD was born 15 months ago.

She expects me to bring DD to see her then laughs in my face when I walk through the door?! AIBU?

YABU - your DM is entitled to find your hardship a source of amusement

YANBU - your DM is a disgrace

I’m willing to bet it didn’t actually happen like this.

Same.

Some people on MN have been lucky not to have such a parent so don’t get it.

I don’t see how this is funny or OP being dramatic. Think Op would have said if her and her mother joke like this.

What annoys me most is people try to make excuses when they can’t relate to having this type of parent.

Another one saying this is not something to stew over. You are feeling sorry for yourself and tired and sensitive.
She sounds like an involved grandparent with the care she provides to the local family. She just can’t give you much help because of circumstances but don’t be acting resentfully towards her or she won’t want to visit at all.
What about your Dad? Can he come and visit/help? Mum is already doing her bit for other children.

Were you a bit insufferably smug about having an “easy” baby OP? Sounds like your mum just made a stupid comment. No need to make a mountain out of it.

I had a similar experience with my otherwise pretty lovely MIL. We had an absolute nightmare getting DD to bed from ages 3 to 7 (there turned out to be reasons and she eventually needed medication). Came downstairs and MIL was finding it all hilariously funny. I did have a bit of a sense of humour failure!

She sounds like my awful mother.

Any time I had a health or childcare issue it was met with "Piece of nonsense" or "In my day we just got on with it"

Zero sympathy or understanding.

What is your relationship usually like?
It does seem unkind (the laughing) but if up til now you have been telling them how lovely the baby is and how well you have taken to motherhood (and it's come across as smug) then I can see people reacting to you now finding it tough with glee.
Is the fact you always drove to them part of this? Oh DD is a dream in the car and will sleep there and be well rested when we see you.
As it does seem that they are willing to drive to you hence visiting now, so wondering whether this is all a mountain out of a molehill situation.

It isn’t actual laughing, though. It’s a sort of ‘noise’ - hard to explain. I don’t like it and the OP was right to call her out on it but going NC because of a tee hee hee oh dear sounds like things aren’t good, oh haha … that’s madness!

I’m sorry but the OP’s mum is happy to travel to them and stay for a concert, but not once to see her grandchild? She knew her daughter was struggling and still didn’t make the effort, rather guilted OP into travelling 4 hours? I would have been straight to see her the second I knew she had gone back to work and was struggling.

“I realised how hard it would see when I saw how much you need to help my siblings out. So I’m proud of us for doing it alone”

That should shut her up!

YANBU

That's very insensitive. I'd be fuming. Do they ever travel to you?

Reminds me of my father in law. He laughed hysterically when he found out my son was paying a huge amount in rent. He's the same age as his other grandchildren who are living with him and still rely on hand outs and not paying any rent. At least he's making a life for himself and is independent 😡

Ugh how awful. I bet he thinks your son is the “upstart” and deserves it. Likewise OP’s mum probably has a chip on her shoulder about OP moving away for work/more money etc

Youre tired and sound overreacting, sorry. I get why it'd rile you but dont think she was nasty, just her (misjudged) sense of humour by the sounds and you're frazzled and sensitive/tired etc. Your reaction is a bit ott. Ask her to help you more, tell dh to deal with that, mention about the other kids and how you need more support.

If her comment was a one off chuckle for her, fine. But if it's form and she makes horrible little comments and is a pain as other pp have said it's horrible when you realise it ....but if you have moved on and 'bettered' yourself with any combination of the following : university, London house, successful Dh, opportunities that she or your siblings don't have.... Then unfortunately she's jealous and resentful while being proud and impressed at the same time and has so many conflicted feelings about you it seeps out like this.
If so, it truly is only all about her, but it is extremely disappointing as the adult child to live through it and you have my sympathies.

I like this!

I think a lot depends on how your relationship is normally. If your mum is normally kind and supportive (even if from slightly further afar) she likely just didn't read the room right. She may have thought she would try to help you find the light in it and have expected you to laugh too. Try to remember that part of the reason that she will find it funny is that she has lived it too. If she is a generally good person she wouldn't be revelling in your misery, but maybe trying to connect with you over what is a now shared experience.

If on the other hand your mum is generally not very nice or is a sociopath or raging narcissist or something such, this advice does not apply. In which case it may be better to distance yourself for many reasons.

It does get a lot better very soon.

I would have been able to say to my mum "Sorry mum, I can't laugh at it at the moment as I'm finding it very difficult". What would she say if you said that?

You are kinder than me. I’d have put her out, she can laugh away at herself in the cold air.

That’s the sort of unkind and crass comment my ‘D’M would have made. I’m no contact with her now. Should have done it years ago. I endured a lot of this when my children were little. Sympathies.

She’s a bitter old bag. Fight fire with fire “Yes and it looks like you two have had a shit time too. Still watching 6 hours of shitty daytime TV? And how are your piles/ dodgy knees? Maybe we’d better get you a dementia test soon as well eh, especially since you think being rude is funny, ahahaha.”

And if you don’t like them certainly don’t go to see them for a while. Either they come to you or you meet for a Sunday lunch half way. Or your DH goes on his own for a bit.

Yep context needed. It all depends on how your relationship is usually.

That said if my daughter had schlepped 4 hours to visit me with grandchild in tow (rather than me getting off my arse to visit knackered daughter and grandchild) I'd shut the fuck up and put the kettle on.

not your DMs fault you live 4 hours away from her and your sibling is closer to be able to help out. Why should she travel 8 hours combined?
she's right, toddler years are hard. She's just teasing. Grow up.

I think there's a generational difference here. My mum would often say the younger generation dwell too much on their worries/struggles and lack a bit of stoicism, an ability to laugh to lighten a situation. I know a lot of older people who would see it as being cheery and lighthearted. Life is tough at times, getting down in the doldrums about it and wallowing doesn't help anyone

I think it was mean of her to laugh. But I don't think you can expect her to come on a 4 hour journey to babysit. But I wouldnt be visiting her again in a hurry. Or making much of an effort to contact her very often.

Whats light hearted about it? Her mother sounds spiteful and very unpleasant

@Motherscanbefuppers good on you for calling her out about it