DM laughed in my face at return to work/nursery transition

[Motherscanbefuppers]

Like many first time mums, I’ve found the transition back to work/DD starting nursery/constant bugs/sickness quite difficult. Started in January so 7 weeks in now and not getting any easier. We live 4 hours from DM and extended family - previously would visit once a month but haven’t made it up yet due to work/nursery transition etc. They keep saying how much they miss DD so travelled down tonight to see them.

First thing DM says to me (after arriving at 10pm) was “so you’ve had a rough few weeks since we last saw you eh?” WHILST LAUGHING. I replied, “yes, it’s been very tough with sickness etc, I’m not sure why you are laughing?”. DM then says “oh you thought you had it so easy with a baby (DD slept well etc), but now your trenches have come HAHAHAHA”.

Again, I replied “I never revelled in any woman going through the trenches, I don’t know why you are revelling in my misery now”.

For context, we have ZERO help on a day to day basis (until nursery last month), DH and I can never get even an hour to ourselves to have an adult conversation (which is fine, we chose to have DD who we love to bits) BUT my DM looks after my siblings’ children full time and whenever they want to go for dinner/nights out/weekends away. Obviously, they live closer but there’s nothing stopping DM visiting me (she will if there is a concert on where she can stay with me for free) but she has never done so since DD was born 15 months ago.

She expects me to bring DD to see her then laughs in my face when I walk through the door?! AIBU?

YABU - your DM is entitled to find your hardship a source of amusement

YANBU - your DM is a disgrace

That was my first thought too. Resentment that the OP has moved away and hasn’t prioritised staying close to her family. The other siblings have and she can be granny to their kids, whereas the OP - and her perfect baby who was sleeping through - thought she was a bit better than all of that.

I’m guessing she has form for this kind of behaviour.

I would think twice about making the journey to visit her next time…

Do you tend to take offence this easily? It’s a clumsy tease. I suspect your tiredness is exacerbating things but you leap from 0 to 60 in seconds on your own account. Let it go.

Man you're weird! Do you always go Defcon 10 on people?

In MN Land, it seems v common to take offence and cut ties

Come on it was a lighthearted bit of ribbing. You’re just pissed that your sibling gets more hands on support. That’s because you’ve moved away. Not her fault.

this toddler stage is hard. It’ll pass. Don’t take it out on your mum

I think your being over sensitive. Your mum was making a joke of it but it didn't hit well. It's not your siblings fault you have moved miles away, you can't then complain you have no help. Your mums probably had a few kids and finds it grating when your moaning about 1 being hard. This is normal my aunt had 6 kids and always used to make comments, 'I and 6 kids and I did this and that blar blar' . They are in their own way telling you to get on with it!

Are you 15? Do adults actually talk like this ( and think )

I really don't think I have read anything as ridiculous and as immature on here as that comment!

And gone where?

I wondered if there was more context to this, too. If it was truly out of the blue then ofc YANBU op but if there is a history of being smug or making insensitive comments about how easy you had it before (maybe even to your sister, not just your Mum), it was possibly some lighthearted ribbing.

How can you not have an adult conversation with your husband if your baby goes down well and sleeps like a dream? Haven’t you had every evening for the last year? And you can both take a half day any time you want and do something since your child is in nursery?

Trashy and low class? Hahahahaha

I think it would depend on the tone it was said in - could be a joke and you're being a bit oversensitive (understandably), could be she was being nasty. Either way I'd tell her straight - mum I have made a big effort to come here when exhausted and I don't appreciate these comments. I have no help at home and I'm finding the transition hard, so I'd appreciate some support and empathy.

I also wouldn't let them moaning about missing her pressure you again into visiting - just say 'well you know where we are'.

Probably because they did !

My mum was like this. And as DC grew up they realised they didn't like Granny very much.

We do an obligatory visit and leave it at that.

@Motherscanbefuppers You're tired, emotional, have been in work and just driven 4 hours! It was a throwaway comment, maybe you have been smug in the past - smug people don't actually know when they are being smug!

Hopefully this morning you have woke up in a better, less emotional mood and can move on.

FFS.
No wonder some of you lot have hideous family relationships if you can't tease /take the piss out of each other.

You took it wrong way- you seem annoyed that your mum doesnt help as much as she does for your siblings kids. You live 4 hours away! That was your choice surely.
Are you always so touchy?

You posted at nearly 3am - everything seems worse at that time! Every bad decision, every wrong word, every interaction you have ever had is exaggerated by 100 times,

OP - I mean this kindly - move on.

My mum has a slight tendency to do this to me. It's very unpleasant. I struggled with it when DC was a baby but tried to ignore because I knew I was tired and reactive.

There's a very clear - oh you think you have it all figured out - sneer / eyeroll. I definitely don't.

When I was less stressed and could think more kindly I considered that maybe it brought back her memories of having babies with my abusive dad and how she didn't get to enjoy the experience.

Why do you feel smug when someone has a difficult toddler?

Ugh that’s so irritating!! I’d be pissed
off too, people can be so insensitive and honestly having a young child and returning to work them starting nursery is so hard!! You just want a bit of love and care and emotional support.

Its a cliche to recommend a self help book but I just started reading Let Them by Mel Robbins and it sounds like it would defo apply to this situation! Give it a go if you can find 5 mins for yourself… main thing is don’t let this moment and these comments dull your sparkle.

My DM is like this. She takes a sort of sadistic pleasure in things being hard for me, I think because she was an army wife who had to cope alone for a long time. There is a constant undertone of “ha ha, now it’s your turn”. It has really soured our relationship.

I will never forget a stressful family holiday, the only time we have gone away with my parents, where they didn’t lift a finger to help all week. We got to the airport and I was struggling with the kids and luggage. She said goodbye to me with the words “remember, you chose this!” with a big smile on her face. We will never go away with them again and I have pulled right back from seeing her.

… so no advice from me but lots of sympathy. It’s shit!

Wow this brought back some
bad memories for me. During my pregnancy my mother delighted in telling me how awful my life was about to become, and she was even happier to hear that I had to have an elective caesarean, because she knew someone who had a bad recovery (I ended up recovering very well!). Then it was about the extra washing that another person would create, the list goes on.
Unsurprisingly I never asked her for any help because I knew it would be thrown back in my face. DM is now surprised and confused by the fact that we hardly see her (her behaviour during my pregnancy and postpartum wasn’t anything new, it was just the final straw).

I am sorry for you OP, your mother is broken g very unkind.

perhaps you were a nightmare child
a d by the sounds of it you have been bragging about how easy your child had been

which means you have - unintentionally- been dismissive of the difficulties your parents faced

or alternatively your parents think the only way through this is to maintain a sense of humour and laugh about it rather than wallow

I mean “revelling in my misery “ is way OTT response