DM laughed in my face at return to work/nursery transition

[Motherscanbefuppers]

Like many first time mums, I’ve found the transition back to work/DD starting nursery/constant bugs/sickness quite difficult. Started in January so 7 weeks in now and not getting any easier. We live 4 hours from DM and extended family - previously would visit once a month but haven’t made it up yet due to work/nursery transition etc. They keep saying how much they miss DD so travelled down tonight to see them.

First thing DM says to me (after arriving at 10pm) was “so you’ve had a rough few weeks since we last saw you eh?” WHILST LAUGHING. I replied, “yes, it’s been very tough with sickness etc, I’m not sure why you are laughing?”. DM then says “oh you thought you had it so easy with a baby (DD slept well etc), but now your trenches have come HAHAHAHA”.

Again, I replied “I never revelled in any woman going through the trenches, I don’t know why you are revelling in my misery now”.

For context, we have ZERO help on a day to day basis (until nursery last month), DH and I can never get even an hour to ourselves to have an adult conversation (which is fine, we chose to have DD who we love to bits) BUT my DM looks after my siblings’ children full time and whenever they want to go for dinner/nights out/weekends away. Obviously, they live closer but there’s nothing stopping DM visiting me (she will if there is a concert on where she can stay with me for free) but she has never done so since DD was born 15 months ago.

She expects me to bring DD to see her then laughs in my face when I walk through the door?! AIBU?

YABU - your DM is entitled to find your hardship a source of amusement

YANBU - your DM is a disgrace

Maybe you've been a bit smug about how well your DD slept? Mentioned routines and acted like it was in the patents control?

If she's a good sleeper then you have plenty of time with your DH to have a conversation or dinner alone. Even saying that you don't makes you sound a bit unaware. You're 2 adults with one baby, what help do you think you need? In contrast I have a 14month old who will not sleep unless in one of our arms- day or night and we have 2 other children- that's getting zero time together.

Are you weren't smug about your perfect parenting creating an easy baby? Perhaps while your sister had found things more difficult? That's what happened with my sister. I really struggled with the baby stage, which my sister found easy "because they didn't pander". Her second child tought a significant lesson!

Ask your mother what she's referring to.

Again, I replied “I never revelled in any woman going through the trenches, I don’t know why you are revelling in my misery now”.

Do people actually speak like this in real life? OP sounds like she's auditioning for her local amateur dramatic society.

Such a sympathetic and meaningful response.

You seem to have missed the point of the thread in order to laugh at the OP's language. Yes, some people do speak like that and some don't.

Absolutely this!

Exactly. Some people are just nasty for no reason. There are a few other posts like this on here.

People who have such restrictive 'boundaries' tend to be very lonely.

I think your mother was horrible @Motherscanbefuppers

So what if you were smug about having a baby that slept well (no idea if you were or not obviously). She is your mother and should be one of your greatest supporters, not someone who laughs at you and belittles you when you are having a rubbish time. That applies even more when you have made the special effort to drive 4 hours (a long journey with a baby or toddler) to see her after she complained that she wasn't seeing your DD enough. It sounds as if she can't be bothered to do the same drive herself, unless there is an event that she wants to attend anyway, for which she can use the free accommodation. Not getting a good impression of your mum from your post at all. Is there a long backstory, I wonder?

Would all of the posters saying ‘it’s just a lighthearted comment’ be the same if it was a MIL rather than mum

one of my takeaways from this thread that one of the BIGGEST sins a MNetter can display is being "smug".

OP i hope you are feeling a bit less frazzled this morning? how are things?

Why are you having anything to do with this awful woman?

Your DM is a bitch. I'd far rather struggle on alone than with her toxic 'help'. And did.

I wouldn't rush back, but it's a kind or humour you probably weren't in the mood for. Spring is coming, bugs will reduce and should be far less next winter as the immune system has been primed. Maybe see them at Easter when everyone has a bit more time.

This is my thinking too. I had a lovely, easy baby and revelled in it; until the challenging time came. My mom, my sister amd friend all 'welcomed me to parenthood' ' thought it was funny too.
We had good relationships though and they were all really supportive, so it never occurred to me to be offended.

Your mum sounds catty and childish

I'm millenial but don't half cringe at this infantile nonsense. Grow up.

To me, this sounds like the sort of thing someone would say in lighthearted solidarity - something that two parents would laugh together about. But I guess not everyone uses humour as a coping mechanism like that and you were obviously not in the mood to be flippant.

I think your reaction (and the reactions of some others in the thread) seems a bit extreme. Unless there is a massive backstory about your mum being abusive or something, I think it sounds a lot more like 'mum failed to read the room' rather than 'mum was being deliberately unkind'.

Yes, because I love my MIL and we have a good relationship where we laugh together about stuff.

Oh dear. Do you feel big and hard now? Are you the mum?

Sounds like our mothers could be similar and if so I truly empathise. PP saying its a light-hearted comment and just get over it don't understand the heartache of having a parent who can't ever be 'on your side'. Who brushes over the positives in your life but seems to revel in the negatives (and especially enjoys seeing you struggle).

For my mum it seems to be a type of internalised misogyny. Apparently she likes to see women miserable and living lives of drudgery. Heaven forbid they be happy and confident!

Oh I have plenty of capacity to be offended and have a back bone....
I can also take a joke, have a sense of humour and not see my arse over stupid comments.

Did none of you grow up in families that took the pics out of each other, or have a husband who does, or colleagues??

How do you get through life being permanently offended. It must be so tiring.

This was my mother too.

When I left an unhappy marriage she totally sided with XH and remarked to friends that she hoped I fell flat on my face by going it alone.

But a totally reasonable one!

'oh you thought you had it so easy with a baby (DD slept well etc), but now your trenches have come HAHAHAHA'.

I would have corrected her dreadful grammar for a start.

And then told her to educate herself on what life in the trenches during WW1 was actually like and suggest a few books to read about it rather than listening to and misusing such ridiculous phases.