Overheard a conversation about myself - feeling sad

[Nikki3009]

This is a bit of a bizarre post, but I need a friendly ear!

I need a new tap for my kitchen, my dad has a mate who can fit it and I just needed to choose and buy it. Out of the blue my dad rang me at work and said I needed to choose a tap as his mate was free to do it the following day. It threw me because I wasn’t expecting it, and I said that I hadn’t had a chance to order anything. My dad said he’d just choose one for me but I said I’d prefer him not to do that.

I had plans this evening but I said I’d change them and go to B&q after work.

A few minutes after putting the phone down, my dad rang again, but it was a pocket dial. I then overheard my mum saying “for gods sakes, what’s wrong with her, nothing is ever good enough for her”. My Dad replied “well you know who she takes after”. And my mum said “yes, my bloody mum”. I obviously hung up at this point as I didn’t want to hear any more.

i know it’s not the worst thing to hear about yourself, but it was her tone of voice that has upset me. It was so scathing.

I am really supportive of my mum, I take her out, take her to hospital appointments, listen to her worries, she calls me her rock. I would not say a bad word about her. I feel so sad that she thinks that way about me. I’m on my own after a very difficult few years and I really thought she had my back.

My parents have helped me out a fair amount in the last few years (I literally had to start over with very little) and I’m really appreciative of it. But am I being unreasonable in wanting to choose something for my home?

The short conversation I heard made me sound like a spoiled brat, but I’m not at all materialistic, I just sometimes find it difficult choosing things because I don’t want to make a mistake. (Very common in abused women) .

its all been sorted now as I’ve got a tap ready for tomorrow but it’s left me feeling sad. It’s made me reflect on things and has me questioning myself.

i don’t think I am hard to please, I’m driving around in a very old car, my furniture is all secondhand, I haven’t had a holiday in 7 years, I’m certainly not extravagant or entitled!

I’m sure I’ll be ok once I’ve slept on it, but I really feel like saying something to her, but I’m just not sure it’s worth it.

thanks for listening (reading) xx

I don't know, maybe. OP mentioned that she returned home after an abusive relationship and her parents helped her start over. This will have caused them a lot of worry and they'll have been back in that parenting a dependant mode again.

I definitely think OP should mention it and try to talk it out.

But parents have very right to be frustrated in private.

Maybe it's the ideal time for OP to cut the apron strings.

I'll be honest, I prioritise my dc over anything but it's completely ridiculous to expect that parents can never have a moan and be frustrated about their dc. Probably more so if they care deeply.

I’m sorry to had to listen to that OP - I would have been hurt too.

consider breaking the cycle in the future - don’t give your parents these opportunities. Start finding your own tradespeople to do things you need or learn how to do them yourself. Don’t involve your parents in things you need.

They were probably stressed about the situation (maybe confirming a date with the friend) and that resulted in them having a moan about you.

I think most people have had a moan about a loved one at some point. Much of the time we don’t even mean it.

But let her know why.

Oh you poor thing my heat went out reading this. You've done so well by the sounds of it! Youre obviously close, I dont think the advice here saying 'well take a step back/ignore/dont help' is mature or the right thing to do. Bring it up and tell them how it made yoh feel and ask why they they said jt like that. Its horrible and they should feel totally awful, which from what youve said about your relationship with them im sure it will. Dont be spiteful theres no need and you dont want the stress or drama, youve done nothing wrong, they have make them feel guilty and try and move past it.

Ah OP her tone to your father says more about the dynamic between them than how she feels about you - just chat to her. She sounds like she usually is usually kind and you have all had a few stressors.

My advice is not to take it to heart. Your mum loves you, she loves her mum too I assume ... and she is comparing the two of you because you have things in common. She is sharing this with your dad, who also loves you. She would not share this with anyone else!
Dont you ever get exasperated with your family members?
I love my adult kids to bits, but I complain about their quirks and foibles to their dad. They would be offended if they heard, but it doesnt mean anything. I adore them ... faults and all.

I really don’t think this is the drama some posters are making out, everyone says things sometimes, just out of annoyance or frustration, it doesn’t mean they don’t love you.

Thank you for your well-considered comment. I do understand their frustration with me, I know I can be particular but it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with me so although it definitely wasn't meant for my ears, hearing it did sting. I'm going to mention it but with a chuckle, I think that's the best way to proceed.

My mum has left voicemsild of her and my dad talking about me cos she hasn't realised she hasn't hung up 🙄😂.
I hope her back embarrass her then we all laugh about it .
Isn't it just normal family stuff ,,I honestly wouldn't take it to heart .

It really does! I did some counselling after leaving my ex and was told that prolonged DA affects brain chemistry. And I know it has affected my decision-making, memory and various other things. My ex was very controlling about household things - if I wanted a choice in anything I had to pay for it. If I paid for something he would endlessly criticise it. So I guess that's why I freeze when I have to make a decision about something on the spot!

It does sound as if your dad got a bit stressed that you didn't have a tap & were changing plans to do so.

Did you moan a bit about having to do that?

To him the easier(?) thing was just to get it himself.

There was no need for your mum to chime in though as it was obviously all in hand!

Oh no! I'm going to mention it today and I know I'll laugh it off. I'm more cross with my mum for being two-faced - she only told me on Sunday not to let Dad choose anything because he doesn't care what things look like!!

No, I didn't mind at all - but I just wanted to have a look before buying. I guess his mate had a spare hour and said he'd do it sooner rather than later. My mum was definitely making a comment unecessarily!

Thank you! and that's exactly what I'm going to do. We'll laugh about it, I'm sure. They're good to me, I'm good to them - I was just quite shocked that my mum sounded so riled up about something that doesn't really affect her!

Don't be sad. But you've a right to be annoyed especially when you help her out. I am a bit dithery about making decisions too at times. But dont dwell on it. If your pardets are gdnerally helpful and supportive put this behind you.

I didn't move back with my parents but they did help me out a lot when I was leaving (it was a dangerous time for me, I mean at one point I was having to use a pole supplied by the police to barricade my bedroom door).

I think I was just shocked at the vitriol in my mum's voice, there wasn't any need for it over something so minor.
My dad likes to help in my home because he was never able to when I lived with my ex but I certainly don't want it to cause issues between us. I'm more than capable of sorting most things out on my own and I've done things my mum would never dream of doing! FWIW my brother can't even change a lightbulb and has my mum or dad up at his house every week cleaning/DIY/ironing etc, so I really don't feel that I ask them to do much for me at all!

I’m defending your mum and dad a bit here, I know you will have been hurt, but I’m sure they didn’t mean anything really, and I’m sure over the years you’ve grumbled a bit about them, been impatient or rolled your eyes, this is just families, we can’t be lovely to each other 100% of the time, we have frustrations, stresses, we get irritated but we also have love, sweep the hurt away, they love you, you love them - this is just family life ❤️

I wouldn’t break contact but i would absolutely make them squirm and grovel as much as possible.

Try not to be sad - families and close friends do that bitching thing - its usually meaningless. I had a sickening moment recently when I accidentally broadcast a long conversation with my DH over whatsapp to my siblings who i adore where I made some observations about them that were quite harsh. I think I deleted the message before they listened but it really scared me and was a real wake up call as I like to think I'm a good person and they definitely would not have thought that. Personally - if I'm ever in a position to overhear a conversation about myself I exit the situation immediately for fear of negative overheards

This is sad to read, but in the context of your long-term and whole relationship with your parents, not to be overblown. Given what you've said about your brother's reliance on them, your mum probably has moments of thinking 'oh goodness, when are they ever going to both be independent?'.

Having said that, your history of DA is important here - as you know, just because you're no longer in that situation doesn't mean that it doesn't affect you. I think your approach of mentioning it with a chuckle is a good one, but followed by a short explanation that DA still affects your decision-making, that you're doing the best you can, that your home being a place that you feel safe and comfortable is important to you and that you appreciate their help,

Take care OP and hope that tap fitting goes smoothly.

I think very many of us would be sad to hear everything that is said about us behind our backs. I think you can adore your children but they can still drive you a bit crazy.
Sometimes the problem with being helped is the helper then wants to help you on their terms not on yours so it can quickly become quite complex as one side may feel the other should be grateful.
These transactions in relationships are famously a minefield for upset.
In my case the in-laws helped us massively over the years so I have always remained really grateful and super polite.
The bigger picture is the priority, you have loving support; that’s the main thing. Maybe you need to express your gratitude to them so they hear that you appreciate what they do. You sound supportive too but sometimes people need more thanks than we realise.
But you are like most of us, naturally sensitive to hearing what people say. It’s completely normal to be upset.

No, I didn't mind at all - but I just wanted to have a look before buying. I guess his mate had a spare hour and said he'd do it sooner rather than later. My mum was definitely making a comment unecessarily!

If the conversation had been "that's great see him then" I'm guessing nothing would have been said?

I’m in the camp where I would address this, gently, with mum/dad. Perhaps via text or a voice message.

I would say that unfortunately I overheard their conversation last night and while I understand their frustration, I am really hurt. I appreciate the help dad was trying to give me, but kitchen taps are expensive and I needed a bit more than 24hrs notice that one was needed. Perhaps it would be best if Dad left it to me to sort out buying one and getting it fitted by a local tradesman rather than relying on his mate, as it wasn’t your intention to be difficult. Say that you were hurt as you would have hoped Mum would have recognised that it was short notice so it was deeply hurtful to be compared to X relative in such a nasty way. It has battered the last of your self confidence as you really did think that with all you try to do for them, your mum at least might have had your back and had a kind and understanding word to say about you.

Say that you know they did not mean to be overheard, but they were and you will need a few days to get over it so will speak again at the weekend. And leave it in their court. I think they do owe you an apology, even if it one bracketed by the ‘your dad was only trying to help’.

Then proceed as if it didn’t happen when you next see them. Hopefully they will apologise, but they may be too embarrassed but they can sit with that discomfort just as you have sat with yours. Being ‘family’ doesn’t mean brushing aside these sorts of issues and it doesn’t mean going LC/NC.

No one can truly comment without knowing the history of your relationship with your parents.
For example, for many (who have healthy relationships with their parents) this could be laughed off. Maybe your Mum was having a bad day and the vitriol you heard in her voice was her using your tap situation to vent it all out.
However for many like me, we grew up with controlling, narcissistic parents who like to keep us dependent on them but then play the martyr and criticise us for it behind our backs.
Without looking at your releationship with your parents as a whole there is literally no way for a stranger on the internet to tell you which situation you’re in.
I will say though, our romantic relationships tend to follow the same pattern that we grew up with in childhood and the fact that you ended up in a controlling, abusive relationship could speak volumes about how you were treated as a child?
You have my sympathy OP. I hope I’m way off the mark here and it was just a one off vent from your Mum. (I have a covert narcissist for a mother and it can cloud my judgement somewhat!)