Overheard a conversation about myself - feeling sad

[Nikki3009]

This is a bit of a bizarre post, but I need a friendly ear!

I need a new tap for my kitchen, my dad has a mate who can fit it and I just needed to choose and buy it. Out of the blue my dad rang me at work and said I needed to choose a tap as his mate was free to do it the following day. It threw me because I wasn’t expecting it, and I said that I hadn’t had a chance to order anything. My dad said he’d just choose one for me but I said I’d prefer him not to do that.

I had plans this evening but I said I’d change them and go to B&q after work.

A few minutes after putting the phone down, my dad rang again, but it was a pocket dial. I then overheard my mum saying “for gods sakes, what’s wrong with her, nothing is ever good enough for her”. My Dad replied “well you know who she takes after”. And my mum said “yes, my bloody mum”. I obviously hung up at this point as I didn’t want to hear any more.

i know it’s not the worst thing to hear about yourself, but it was her tone of voice that has upset me. It was so scathing.

I am really supportive of my mum, I take her out, take her to hospital appointments, listen to her worries, she calls me her rock. I would not say a bad word about her. I feel so sad that she thinks that way about me. I’m on my own after a very difficult few years and I really thought she had my back.

My parents have helped me out a fair amount in the last few years (I literally had to start over with very little) and I’m really appreciative of it. But am I being unreasonable in wanting to choose something for my home?

The short conversation I heard made me sound like a spoiled brat, but I’m not at all materialistic, I just sometimes find it difficult choosing things because I don’t want to make a mistake. (Very common in abused women) .

its all been sorted now as I’ve got a tap ready for tomorrow but it’s left me feeling sad. It’s made me reflect on things and has me questioning myself.

i don’t think I am hard to please, I’m driving around in a very old car, my furniture is all secondhand, I haven’t had a holiday in 7 years, I’m certainly not extravagant or entitled!

I’m sure I’ll be ok once I’ve slept on it, but I really feel like saying something to her, but I’m just not sure it’s worth it.

thanks for listening (reading) xx

Yes , I agree

People don’t see who you are - they see who they are.
it hurts. I’d have to confront them, but that’s imagining this happening with my own parents- I don’t know what your relationship is like.
certainly wouldn’t be helping her much anymore without addressing this. Don’t let this fester, whatever you do - their griping and whinging shouldn’t be allowed to harm your health.

Shake it off. We all say stuff like that at times about our family don’t we? Think you’re being a bit sensitive.

YABU - I guess you don't have dc... you can love them to bits and do all and everything for them AND feel exasperated or fed up some of the time. Your dp support and help you and maybe your delaying the tab thing stressed them when they were trying to help. Are you often delaying or vague about making choices and commitments?

Tell your parents you over heard them and it made you sad but that you can also understand that they were trying to help and your response stressed them (rightly or wrongly). As a parent especially of adult dc you cannot always be in full on accepting nurture mode. It's the aim but dc also can be annoying and difficult.

Moreover, maybe don't rely on dad's help with these things too much in the future. Do they feel responsible for you because you don't have a partner and family of your own? Cut the some slack.

It’s entirely reasonable to want more than a days notice and entirely reasonable to want to pick out your own tap as you will be cleaning & living with it.

Im not saying it’s acceptable but sometimes I will joke with my ex husband that our 9 year old has CEO energy (made himself family manager of Nintendo so I can’t change parental controls). I probably would say this annoyed but underneath I’m impressed, annoyed, concerned & adoring all at once.

I think what I’m trying to say is that telling someone who loves you (your Dad) is a safe space and it was said knowing they both love you. Perhaps she was placating him ?

In saying that, their expectations are unreasonable. They don’t seem to respect your agency as a woman & seem to be treating you like a child that you should just be happy with what they select. I think that’s the deeper issue.

We all say unkind things sometimes. It’s a shame you heard it - but don’t take it to heart.

I hope you feel better about it today.

I do think all parents will have a private moan about their children. I know I do. (Mine refused fresh blueberries the other day as they were from the wrong supermarket .)

Generations are different. To your mother a tap is just a tap. Whereas to our generation with house makeover/ interior design programmes and interior design pop ups on social media, a tap becomes more interesting.

My parents kept an old, uncomfortable, small grey sofa in the garage for years for my first house. Then they were insulted when I chose my own sofa. They moaned about me for being unreasonable and then still kept it- offering it to me repeatedly as a second sofa.

Through the parents’ lens it is inexplicable that you wouldn’t be grateful for them picking any old tap up for you.

Raise it jovially. It is only an issue if part of a bigger toxic picture of you being constantly criticised, put down etc.

And that’s what the patent may say… but it’s just a way of shutting you up - it’s not healthy

@FreshInksPeople say things they don’t mean all of the time? To appease someone else, in anger, during hard times etc etc
Being a parent is hard, we don’t know the full context and whilst it was sad to hear, if the relationship is generally very good then I’d wait until morning or a bit later to act on it or make a decision.
No parent is perfect, most parents have a chatter amongst themselves about the difficulties of raising their children! Just like most children have a moan with siblings about the annoyance or hard work their parents can be!

this is hard but try not to let it upset you too much. As people get older they say really random things. My mum does it, my MIL did it. My mum has said things that have been hurtful sometimes but she just doesn’t think. Ultimately though she’s my Mum & I love her so I just ignore it.

Well your dad was trying to help you if you “just needed to choose and buy” the new tap. Presumably his friend was doing you a favour for your dad.
You had a week to sort a tap and you didn’t, your dad sees you as being difficult because you need a new tap and he was happy to pick it and have it replaced for you, but you needed additional time to sort your own. Perhaps just sort and pay your own plumber if you’re going to their minor annoyance down as being abusive!

Also, I just thought, there’s a bit of an irony here. OPs parents had a private little moan about someone they love, and really, this thread (and much of MN) is us doing the same or similar!

Goodness, no, I don’t agree. Both your parents should be proud of how you’ve emerged from your difficulties and only too happy to help you out in little ways.
I would let them know you overheard, but go about it obliquely. Just say something like “you know, I hope I didn’t seem entitled by wanting to buy my own tap… I had a good idea of what that sink needed and knew I could get it at B&Q. I really do hope I’ve not been a burden to you both, and I do try to keep it balanced in terms of helping with (insert things like Dr’s appointments). I hope you’d let me know directly if I ever got too demanding”.

Im sorry this happened. It would have given me quite the knock!

They don’t seem to respect your agency as a woman & seem to be treating you like a child that you should just be happy with what they select. I think that’s the deeper issue.

Perhaps the deeper issue is that OP is an adult and getting her elderly dad to manage basic things for her. If dad's friend was installing the tab as a favour, free of charge, maybe the dad felt embarrassed to delay the friend further. If he is a plumber he'll have bookings and would have wanted to fit OP in when it suited him. the op had a week to get a tab as I understand it. It's rude to dither and keep other people guessing when it's happening especially if they are doing her a favour.

If you wish to be teated as a mature adult, behave as one.

This is a very sensible post and the kind of advice I would give too.
It just sounds like they were frustrated and you know how it is when we get frustrated with someone we just end up in a range. They sound like lovely parents who want to help you and equally you help them out with hospital. Appointments etc.
Try not to let this dampen your relationship with them and try your best to move on.
There are times when some folk who will never understand others reasons with a lot of things like you wanting to choose your own tap, why wouldn’t you it’s your home. There is nothing you can do with folk like that other than move on and don’t allow it to eat you up.

Yeah, and us. I’m sure the ACs moan about us as well. That’s families - we don’t all view each other as perfect.

The daughter is not a mind reader the dad needs to be an adult and put his concerns to her rather than putting himself in a rage over it.

You heard something completely out of context. My daughter is the most loved and adored adult child anyone has ever had. She's hard working super successful and we are so proud of her She's also quite fragile after 6 years of IVF and we do a lot, a lot of child care for her 2 children and help our with everything in her home. I'd hate her to hear the letting off steam comments we make to each other. Especially about her marriage and gentle parenting. Those were private comments never made to be heard and do not give a full reflection of how your parents feel.

Oh this is sad OP as it sounds like you all love each other.

I support some family members who are quite precise people let's say (neurodiversity) and I love them to bits but it is quite hard work! I can picture this scenario and feeling like I was doing quite a lot on the "making things happen" side and calling in a favour only to be met with what feels like hassle re buying the tap.

I think I'd have to approach it with my parents (but I can see the POV of not doing so too), but from the perspective that you can hear sometimes your behaviour frustrates them. So acknowledging you were rightly hurt but also showing some understanding that it didn't come from a bad place.

Obviously I don't know the dynamics enough that this is true just picturing it from my own life.

Main thing is you love each other.

Never listen to a pocket call! I’m sure myself and my siblings have done the same to our parents but we still love them!

Actions speak louder than words and they have both been there for you. I’d let it go. Remember all the good things they have done.

Wow, that was so unnecessary! Of course you would want to choose the tap yourself, who wouldn't?? Your dad sounds like one of those people that decide to do something for you without even asking you first, then find out you didn't want them to do that and somehow make their own decision your fault. That really sucks, especially when you weren't at fault whatsoever.

OP have you never said anything about someone when mildly irritated that you didn’t mean? I would just let this go if I were you. And of course you are perfectly entitled to choose your own tap.

They don’t seem to respect your agency as a woman & seem to be treating you like a child that you should just be happy with what they select. I think that’s the deeper issue.

Absolutely this! My first thought upon reading the post. Could be a separation issue or something like that. Some parents just see their children as an addition to themselves, even when said children are adults living their own lives.

Me too
i heard mine chuntering about me when we stayed with them once and they didn’t know I could hear them. It upset me for quite a while and I felt on edge when I was with them that actually they don’t like me much (prefer my sister). I’ve got past it now, I have noticed they can be critical and unsympathetic about others in general and their lack of curiosity about other people’s situations, points of view and interests is narrowing. They have rigid opinions and back each other up in them. Interestingly my children have noticed it as teenagers, so it helps to be validated a bit that maybe it’s my parents problem rather than me, and I need to stop trying to seek their approval especially if the criteria is so narrow.