Holiday dilemma - SEN children and PIL

[Merryoldgoat]

I want to caveat this by saying my PIL (particularly MIL) are the dream in-laws. We get on well. They love our children (who in turn adore them) and they treat us all well.

We are local, see them multiple times a week as they do some childcare (which is entirely their choice) and we all rub along nicely and have done so for 20 years.

Our two DS (13 & 8) have ASD - the older is more able and educationally at expected levels, very outgoing and very personable. The youngest is non-verbal and like a rhino mixed with a wrecking ball. He is joyful and lovely and we all adore him but he is Hard Work.

Ok - the issue,

MIL is 80 next year and wants to take us all away. The type of holiday she likes will be a nightmare for us. They like walks, sightseeing, churches, museums etc. Older DS would love this. Younger would get zero out of this and be very difficult to manage. They like period properties with lovely surroundings. Absolute nightmare for the baby rhino to smash and use as a ball.

DH told her that it’s not something we can do and she is upset. Because we had a successful holiday abroad last year (our first one) she thinks it’s all systems go. Our holiday last year was to Ibiza to an AI which served beige food for the kids and had modern minimalist rooms, lots of pools and very few items that could be destroyed by DSR (Dear Son Rhino).

I have told her I’m perfectly happy for everyone else to go and I’ll stay with DSR but she doesn’t want that.

But we cannot do what she wants.

We’ve had long weekends with them and it’s been utterly hell because they book, we turn up to find there’s no WiFi, the kitchen is open plan so DSR is impossible to contain, the bedrooms are far apart so we need to have awkward sleeping arrangements, the house is unsafe (cellars and attics etc) so we are just run ragged but then they get to take him to the playground for an hour each day so think it’s a break for everyone and it’s not.

AIBU here? I don’t think I am but she’s so upset I’m open to hearing other viewpoints.

I’m on the verge of just saying a blanket ‘no’ as I know we won’t find something suitable and trying will cause more discord.

Could you offer to find accommodation that you think would work?

Could you compromise, so you plan it together to make it more suitable for your son? It is good that she wants him and you to come so much. There's always posts on here about in laws not welcoming or being equally concerned about all the family.

Find a villa or holiday apartments/aparthotels that are suitable for your sons and still have things nearby in walking distance for your mil.
Madrid, Rome, valencia, benicassim holiday park has camping and lodges, swimming pool, town is a small walk away and you can train trip to valencia I think from there

Alternatively, eurocamp or hotel nearby and hire a car so some of you can do small daytrips to cultural stuff but there's enough on site that suits your youngest.
Chat gpt is quite good sometimes at recommendations, sometimes it makes places up so you must check, but I use it for holiday planning and eurocamp searching.

Alternatively a cruise ship can be very good as there's SO MUCH to do.

This was my first thought too.

OP, have you explained to your PILs what it was that made your abroad holiday a success? As your DSR becomes older, he is that much more likely to wreak havoc, and the AI place sounds ideal. Would your PILs be prepared to stay somewhere like that, so they could go out and do the museums/churches/walks etc while you and DSR stayed and enjoyed the pools? Or could they stay in the sort of place they’d choose and you find some suitable accommodation in the vicinity so you could meet up for meals etc but not have to have your DSR in a place that’s dangerous for him and stressful for you? Your PILs sound like lovely people -I think you need to explain the problem to them, and come up with a compromise.

How about somewhere like centre parks so you can stay near the pool with your DS and they can explore the surrounding area.

I think that you are being a bit dramatic. Can't be hard to find a suitable hotel in a place than PIL would find interesting.

I agree with the others. There are AI hotels with lots of pools and a buffet that serves beige food everywhere. (I have been to many of them - I have a son who struggles with food!)

Find one you like the look of that is in easy reach of museums / walks / sightseeing.

Thank you all.

@Pistachiocake I love them both very much. They have never been anything but welcoming and they are truly outstanding grandparents.

Food is a big issue. Both boys have very restricted diets and whilst I don’t give a shit if they live on Weetabix and chips for week I can’t say I love the idea of having to stay in supervising a deep fried buffet every night whilst everyone else is out at a lovely restaurant.

If I’m honest I just don’t know how much of a break it will be for me. I think it will be me wrangling the rhino with very little respite.

It’s very hard to allow myself also to feel the sadness at how our lives are. It’s just not what we thought it would be. He’s only been toilet trained for about 5 months.

Sorry I haven’t explained - they don’t want to stay in a hotel like that. They hate AI hotels and won’t stay in one.

If they would it would be a non issue.

Sounds like you already decided you not going whatever anyone suggests

So where did you stay with them last year?

I have suggested that we could do this as a long weekend after the others have had the ‘nice’ holiday.

we didn’t go with them last year - that was just us as a family of 4

Well, I know what we need and I think it’s PIL who won’t accept any of the accommodations that would mean he can go.

If they would go to a hotel like I suggested then we’d go. I’m happy to stay home and DH go with DS13 but that’s not ok.

That sounds really hard. I think you are doing the best you can in offering alternatives. You sound like you would like to go IF it won't cause you more stress than it is worth.

What's your DH's role in all this? As it's his parents if you decide the trip doesn't work for you as a family he should be the one to communicate that I would think, so you're not the bad guy.

OP, I 100% feel the pain as I have my own DSR 😂

I think maybe you need to have a frank discussion with them, obvs whilst laying it on thick about how much you would love to go, however DSR would end up costing you hundreds if not thousands in breakages making it a very expensive trip etc etc.

the posters saying ‘you’ve obviously made your mind up about not going’ should probably walk a mile in our shoes whilst paying for breakages along the way before they judge. It’s incredibly stressful to put yourself in that situation and it wouldn’t be a break for you at all which by the sounds of things is what they are (very kindly) trying to do for you.

a lovely idea but not practical unfortunately xxx

You dont need to go on a holiday because someone wants you too and certainly not regularly, isnt the point of as holiday it works for everyone?

Just be firm about not going and why. Don’t feel any guilt about it either. They are good grandparents so should be understanding.
I too have autistic children and made the mistake of going to many activities and trips that were unsuitable, just to keep the peace. Poor dc would be overwhelmed and me and dh would just have a crap time and end up exhausted and resentful. Despite how good family and friends were they just didn’t get it and that’s not their fault but it’s difficult none the less.
The final straw was recently when a family member complained to everyone that we were late to dinner (we didn’t miss the meal start time but they wanted picking up right on time to have a pre dinner drink) we were late because dc had a meltdown due to all the rushing and upheaval of trying to prepare for an unsuitable dinner venue. I tried to explain why we were late but everyone just joked about it or were annoyed. Never mind that we arrived already flustered and exhausted, while they had a chilled drink. I decided then that I’m not doing that anymore and il only do things that are suitable and less hard work. If people can’t accept that then so be it, if they cared they would understand.

Is it possible to stay in different accommodation but near each other and have times when you all meet up and other times when you are just your family of 4. When DS was younger we did this, so we had some holiday with GPs and other times just us (and they had some quieter time without young DC running around)

@CraftyYankee I’d love to go!! I love culture, museums, all the same things they do. They are very involved with the boys but they don’t know what 24 hours is like - the difficulties with toileting, trying to keep him dressed and not get his penis out in public, trying to get a reasonable diet in him etc. They see a big cuddly chaotic but highly loveable puppy-like thing without the drudgery that’s our daily life.

DH and I are 100% on the same page and he’s communicated this to them. She brought it up separately with me when I saw her last week at drop off.

Why don’t you both book separate accommodation? They get the period properties they like and you can do an AI then meet up for suitable activities.

Cross posted. This would be the perfect solution imo

That makes it a lot harder. Both my parents and my in laws have been happy to go to the AI hotel with the beige buffet as they have realised how much easier it makes our lives.The hilarious thing is that my parents have started going AI when they go on their own as well. It seems once you have had 24 hour free tea and coffee (my mum is a massive tea drinker and my dad has Nescafé running through his veins 😂) then you don’t want to give it up. 😂