Holiday dilemma - SEN children and PIL

[Merryoldgoat]

I want to caveat this by saying my PIL (particularly MIL) are the dream in-laws. We get on well. They love our children (who in turn adore them) and they treat us all well.

We are local, see them multiple times a week as they do some childcare (which is entirely their choice) and we all rub along nicely and have done so for 20 years.

Our two DS (13 & 8) have ASD - the older is more able and educationally at expected levels, very outgoing and very personable. The youngest is non-verbal and like a rhino mixed with a wrecking ball. He is joyful and lovely and we all adore him but he is Hard Work.

Ok - the issue,

MIL is 80 next year and wants to take us all away. The type of holiday she likes will be a nightmare for us. They like walks, sightseeing, churches, museums etc. Older DS would love this. Younger would get zero out of this and be very difficult to manage. They like period properties with lovely surroundings. Absolute nightmare for the baby rhino to smash and use as a ball.

DH told her that it’s not something we can do and she is upset. Because we had a successful holiday abroad last year (our first one) she thinks it’s all systems go. Our holiday last year was to Ibiza to an AI which served beige food for the kids and had modern minimalist rooms, lots of pools and very few items that could be destroyed by DSR (Dear Son Rhino).

I have told her I’m perfectly happy for everyone else to go and I’ll stay with DSR but she doesn’t want that.

But we cannot do what she wants.

We’ve had long weekends with them and it’s been utterly hell because they book, we turn up to find there’s no WiFi, the kitchen is open plan so DSR is impossible to contain, the bedrooms are far apart so we need to have awkward sleeping arrangements, the house is unsafe (cellars and attics etc) so we are just run ragged but then they get to take him to the playground for an hour each day so think it’s a break for everyone and it’s not.

AIBU here? I don’t think I am but she’s so upset I’m open to hearing other viewpoints.

I’m on the verge of just saying a blanket ‘no’ as I know we won’t find something suitable and trying will cause more discord.

I've 2 autistic DS, younger also with ADHD. This wouldn't have been a suitable holiday for DS2, in any way shape or form. You're not being unreasonable at all, holidays aren't meant to increase your stress levels. PIL need to accept it, even if they don't understand it.

Could DH go with DS1 for a long weekend while they're over there as a compromise? And then you get a weekend off from looking after the wee one another time?

As the mum of two kids with ASD, I feel that lots of people just don’t get it. They never will. It feels there is no point in trying to explain to some people. They will tell themselves that it’s nothing a bit of discipline wouldn’t resolve or too much screen time or any old bullshit. Lots of people are extremely uncomfortable with our domestic ASD realities and there is zero point in trying to explain. The more you explain, the more they just don’t get it and they will imagine that it’s a problem with you.

Center parcs has been good for our holidays.

Your son will probably be overstimulated with people he doesn’t know and in an environment he isn’t familiar with. And this will be 24/7. The tiny breaks you get during the day in your own home while he watches a screen/favourite for five minutes etc might not happen. Older relatives often demand the TV or drop tablets etc and have no idea where they have dropped them. And you cannot carry out risk assessments from here on the place they are going to let - ie climbable balconies (flashbacks to the massive open window on the 15th floor in the children’s bedroom of our hotel in Spain, where my climber son was meant to sleep. I wanted to vomit when I saw this). And then there are the BFDs (big family dinners) where staple diets of chicken nuggets are often overlooked. Because children will eat anything if they are hungry enough.

It is up to your DP to sort it with his parents. They will get over it if they are nice people. And you can do something lovely before they leave or after they get back in your house. You can decorate the place and make a big splash wining and dining them, with a nice cake and nice food, while your DS goes off to his room happily watching his shows with his own toys around him.

If I had gone on a cruise ship when my autistic son was eight, he would have been over the side. I needed four high walls and no drowning risks.

Yeah she's being dramatic, so dramatic shes prepared to cause all this fuss. Ruin the 80th, miss out in a trip... all for the sake of being dramatic! Or maybe she just knows her son better then you do. Always easy for others to judge...

Wh6 can you go but stay seperate. ? I would suggest Malta, cheap and cheerful resort for you that meets your needs and boojie place for them. Meet up for dinner, plenty of McDonald's and other familiar dining options and the adults can have dinner once the kids are in bed using hotel babysitter

Your MIL is living in a fantasy. I think your husband need to really spell out the reality as you have described it above. If she won't compromise then there is absolutely no need for you to feel guilty for protecting yourself and your children from harm.

Another vote for CP. as an almost 80 year old, its been great for us for three generation holidays. So much for the children to do, little in the accommodation to damage, lots of different food offerings. We have stayed in various types of accommodation, last couple of times we didn’t share, we had our own apartment, but met up in the biggest lodge in the evenings. Could be a solution?

As the mother of a darling rhino son I totally get where you are coming from! Managing him at home where you have rhino proofed as best you can does not help as they can't see how difficult it will be to manage him outside of these safe surroundings. All you can do is keep trying to educate them about the difficulties and hope they get it and change plans accordingly

Thank you. I really appreciate this.

I would maybe get your DH to have one more chat with them. Try and understand where they want to go and see if any compromise can be reached in terms of destination and accommodation.
Unfortunately it sounds like the intransigence of age versus acknowledging the needs of a SEN child.

Center Parcs in separate accommodations could possibly work I think, but even if a perfect location is sourced I doubt it will be much of a holiday for you.

The difference here is that you realistically can not compromise on the things she doesn't want to but could if she was really serious about a shared holiday. I'm sure she is lovely but as you said she sees the cute side of having a baby rhino to cajol and herd to keep safe and not the very hard parts or even the mental load of considering and organising these things.

DSR is a great way to put it! My DSR is verbal, potty trained and educationally does well but still throws himself around like a wrecking ball from morning to night. We holiday to 1 hotel, have only done so since he was 6 and it has softplay, trampolining, bouncy castles, a pool and acres of land to run on away from traffic. We couldn't do what your on laws suggest either even though he'd manage better than a couple of years ago. My mil wanted overnights from babyhood etc but even she realized when he was 2ish we weren't being pig headed he was just too much to give to someone else overnight because of the distress he'd suffer and the fallout afterwards. I'd tell her it's separate accommodatiom or nothing and try to be very clear you'd love to go if things were different. Sorry it's hard. I get it. Friends take their kids abroad and have since tiny babies. I'm chancing a 25 minute flight in April and I'm sh*ing myself.

@Merryoldgoat DSR's mum and dad also need hide of rhinos 😀. 100% solidarity here. The reason you do so well with your boys is because you totally get what works and plan from there. Slotting in with what others prefer is a recipe for disaster.
Hold your boundaries if your suggested compromises aren't acceptable. Better MIL's transient upset than misery for your whole family.

Why should what they want trump what you need? If an AI holiday is what works for your family that is the holiday you need. If they book to stay at the same complex as you they can take themselves off to churches etc. whenever they want. I don't think any 3 year old, baby rhino or not, would enjoy an 80 year old's holiday and they are being either dense or selfish to expect them to.

Ask her which of them should suck it up and not be upset, her or a 3 year old.

I think you need to keep putting it back on to them - "we're happy to go if we can choose the accommodation so it's suitable for us" "we're happy to go if we can stay in separate accommodation" etc. Then it's them saying no each time, not you.

Would taking a pa make it work? They could take your younger child somewhere they enjoyed being or dmfeed them beige stuff whilst the reat of you went out?

As someone in a similar situation to you I think you are completely right to just say no though. I would in your situation.

Yanbu to save them from themselves. They will not enjoy the proposed holiday with DS2, but unfortunately sometimes people don't know what they don't know.

Has she had it spelled out to her in words of one syllable, this is what is going to happen if we take DS2 to old churches etc? Does she understand the level of work that is going to create, what it will do to her levels of peace and enjoyment?

Thank you everyone for your time.

I genuinely appreciate it and would love to respond individually to several of you.

And solidarity with the other DSR parents! He is the happiest, most joyful child.

Even last year which was our first abroad holiday we were still learning. We only went for a very short flight, went in term time, only went for 4 nights, booked with TUI who have a neuro-inclusive booking team etc.

With all the accommodations we didn’t prevent meltdowns, food issues, overstimulation.

We needed a break of a good 2 hours after lunch for a reset in the rooms, DSR would only eat the chips and cereal for a week, tried to climb over the balcony (ground floor) even whilst supervised, tried to throw a stone in the water and nearly hit a man in the head, got angry with the sea not being warm enough for him.

It was a lot of work - we had LOVELY times in between and it was 100% worth it but we only had to please ourselves.

You really need to sit down with them and explain what your life is actually like on a day to day basis.

What happens with DSR when they do childcare for him?

You know your own child @Merryoldgoat . I imagine that your lovely in-laws are possibly thinking that it can't all revolve around your child and that it's their right to do what they want, and they want to dictate all the terms. That's simply not how it works with children with additional needs. It will be hell for your DSR and therefore for your family if you go with their wishes or try to reach a middle ground. You and your H just need to stick to your guns. You have accepted the challenges of your situation as a way of life now 💐. Your in-laws simply haven't grasped this.

I think this is an issue whenever people invite others with small/Sen children on holiday - it’s not a holiday for YOU, you’re just there to wrangle the kids and facilitate everyone else having a nice time and spending time together. Only to be told ‘what did you expect, they’re your kids, you can’t think other people should help’.

I have family overseas who keep insisting we bring the DC over, my youngest is 2 and a complete wrecking ball who can’t be trusted around ornaments/pools/roads, and they live in a very much not-childproof house. I’ve refused so far, which has upset them, because I just KNOW I will spend the entire holiday dealing with DS and occupying/monitoring him while they drink and socialise and enjoy themselves.

I would just be honest and say you don’t want to go unless the accommodation and style of holiday is something your youngest can manage and therefore YOU can have a holiday too. Can you go back to Ibiza?

I get quite cross when I read about things like this - where women (and it’s always women) are made out to be party poopers or anally retentive because they don’t want to spend time and money stressed out their minds so everyone else can have a nice time.

We deserve a holiday too!

Frankly even expecting NT 13 and 8 year olds to enjoy the type of holiday she proposes would be a punt. I'm not saying none do, one of mine would like some of this, but it would be very much within the range of normal for kids that age to spend the whole week moaning/refusing to engage also.

Because we had a successful holiday abroad last year (our first one) she thinks it’s all systems go.

Did MIL go on this holiday?

Is she offering to pay for this holiday?

I would get DH to tell her that if she wants this holiday:

• it has to be at a place chosen by you and DH
• you and DH choose the accomodation type
• you and DH decide if you have a separate accomodation unit
• you and DH decide the itinerary for you and for your kids

If she says no, then the holiday doesn’t go ahead.

I agree with everyone else- I have 4yo twins and DT1 is non verbal, on the autistic pathway and has learning difficulties. We’ve had some lovely holidays with extended families, but it works best with separate accommodations and/or flexible schedule for activities etc. The family are happy to go along with family friendly accommodation. We mostly do our own thing in the daytime and meet for dinner later on, leaving earlier for the kids’ bedtime.

It sounds like your PILs have curated this perfect image in their minds and are disappointed you won’t go along with it. It’s such a shame they’re unwilling to compromise, so many holiday destinations have something for everyone.

I love the baby rhino description! I think my DT1 was a golden retriever in a former life.

I feel you! Similar situation - only we live miles/hours and hours away from PILs so don't have the same close relationship/any help.

However - they are v generous when it comes to holidays. However - they're rarely child friendly - and like you, we have an ASD 4yo. Not a baby rhino - but very big meltdowns... needs constant attention OR a TV.

I get very worked up about these holidays as although generous and coming from a "good place" - they are so far from what works for us. We had a v successful holiday with my own family last year - but as the parents to two small children, we chose the location and villa and it worked perfectly. But we also paid our share...

The PIL on the other hand - want to pay for us all (v helpful!!) but the caveat is that they choose the location- naturally. Be nice to be a part of this conversation aged 38 as a mother of two... but that's not the case. Causes me so much stress.

So yes - I get you - you're not being unreasonable, but why oh why are these conversations and decisions so hard to have and to make! Really hope I'm a very open MIL/grandparent if I get to become one down the line and remember how bone achingly exhausting parenting small children/children with additional needs was!