Holiday dilemma - SEN children and PIL

[Merryoldgoat]

I want to caveat this by saying my PIL (particularly MIL) are the dream in-laws. We get on well. They love our children (who in turn adore them) and they treat us all well.

We are local, see them multiple times a week as they do some childcare (which is entirely their choice) and we all rub along nicely and have done so for 20 years.

Our two DS (13 & 8) have ASD - the older is more able and educationally at expected levels, very outgoing and very personable. The youngest is non-verbal and like a rhino mixed with a wrecking ball. He is joyful and lovely and we all adore him but he is Hard Work.

Ok - the issue,

MIL is 80 next year and wants to take us all away. The type of holiday she likes will be a nightmare for us. They like walks, sightseeing, churches, museums etc. Older DS would love this. Younger would get zero out of this and be very difficult to manage. They like period properties with lovely surroundings. Absolute nightmare for the baby rhino to smash and use as a ball.

DH told her that it’s not something we can do and she is upset. Because we had a successful holiday abroad last year (our first one) she thinks it’s all systems go. Our holiday last year was to Ibiza to an AI which served beige food for the kids and had modern minimalist rooms, lots of pools and very few items that could be destroyed by DSR (Dear Son Rhino).

I have told her I’m perfectly happy for everyone else to go and I’ll stay with DSR but she doesn’t want that.

But we cannot do what she wants.

We’ve had long weekends with them and it’s been utterly hell because they book, we turn up to find there’s no WiFi, the kitchen is open plan so DSR is impossible to contain, the bedrooms are far apart so we need to have awkward sleeping arrangements, the house is unsafe (cellars and attics etc) so we are just run ragged but then they get to take him to the playground for an hour each day so think it’s a break for everyone and it’s not.

AIBU here? I don’t think I am but she’s so upset I’m open to hearing other viewpoints.

I’m on the verge of just saying a blanket ‘no’ as I know we won’t find something suitable and trying will cause more discord.

As someone with 2 very different kids, neither have ever had an overnight at granny's and I think mil always thought I was being precious but now it's looking like a realistic possibility and actually both could go as both are hitting this stage at 8and4. Granny in this case mentioned feeling bad she never had our eldest for sleepovers at 4, but she just couldn't have. At that stage he didnt sleep u til gone 2am and would be in meltdown from 11pm. Melatonin and just time and development have changed that.

My point is in OPs case this isn't necessarily favouritism at all

@SansSouciii what does the 8 yo think? 🤣🤣

My younger son has zero clue - his cognitive age is around 2/3.

Older is not favoured. If anything his life is significantly harder with DSR around. I’m glad he gets these opportunities.

One thing I’m an absolutely not questioning is the love for the boys from PIL.

@Barnbrack absolutely not favouritism - you’re quite right.

To be fair, it’s often just the way when you have a child with high needs. My mum has my elder 2 overnight but she couldn’t manage my 7 year old with non verbal autism. He only sleeps 3 hours a night for a start! Equally he wouldn’t deal with being away from me. I don’t think it’s favouritism, it’s just based on what everyone can cope with.

It's really lovely that you're focussing on that - it is the most important thing here, that they love their grandkids and are trying (sort of, I still think it's really problematic that they aren't listening to you)

I hope some of the advice on here was useful and you have a better idea of what to say. It's so helpful that you and your husband are on the same page here as that would be even harder.

And yes, the siblings of high needs children often face a lot of additional challenges, so sometimes a few ‘perks’ are justified IMO.

Absolutely.

I have been extremely fortunate in that older DS has been endlessly lovely to DSR - he’s patient and kind to him and they have literally never fought.

I don’t allow DSR to destroy older DS’s stuff or rampage in his room etc.

He is never made responsible for the younger and I think this has helped them bond on their own level.

Hopefully she’ll see sense. If you stick to your guns, she’ll have to compromise or miss the experience. At the end of the day it’s her choice. Stay firm.

I don't think it's odd that an 80 year old can manage a sedate sounding teen but would struggle with a child who requires the level of physical graft DS2 does. It's lovely that PILs and DS1 have that time together.