Holiday dilemma - SEN children and PIL

[Merryoldgoat]

I want to caveat this by saying my PIL (particularly MIL) are the dream in-laws. We get on well. They love our children (who in turn adore them) and they treat us all well.

We are local, see them multiple times a week as they do some childcare (which is entirely their choice) and we all rub along nicely and have done so for 20 years.

Our two DS (13 & 8) have ASD - the older is more able and educationally at expected levels, very outgoing and very personable. The youngest is non-verbal and like a rhino mixed with a wrecking ball. He is joyful and lovely and we all adore him but he is Hard Work.

Ok - the issue,

MIL is 80 next year and wants to take us all away. The type of holiday she likes will be a nightmare for us. They like walks, sightseeing, churches, museums etc. Older DS would love this. Younger would get zero out of this and be very difficult to manage. They like period properties with lovely surroundings. Absolute nightmare for the baby rhino to smash and use as a ball.

DH told her that it’s not something we can do and she is upset. Because we had a successful holiday abroad last year (our first one) she thinks it’s all systems go. Our holiday last year was to Ibiza to an AI which served beige food for the kids and had modern minimalist rooms, lots of pools and very few items that could be destroyed by DSR (Dear Son Rhino).

I have told her I’m perfectly happy for everyone else to go and I’ll stay with DSR but she doesn’t want that.

But we cannot do what she wants.

We’ve had long weekends with them and it’s been utterly hell because they book, we turn up to find there’s no WiFi, the kitchen is open plan so DSR is impossible to contain, the bedrooms are far apart so we need to have awkward sleeping arrangements, the house is unsafe (cellars and attics etc) so we are just run ragged but then they get to take him to the playground for an hour each day so think it’s a break for everyone and it’s not.

AIBU here? I don’t think I am but she’s so upset I’m open to hearing other viewpoints.

I’m on the verge of just saying a blanket ‘no’ as I know we won’t find something suitable and trying will cause more discord.

You seem entirely reasonable and I am sorry
they are putting this additional pressure on you.
I hope that they will see the perspective of your DC additional needs. Have you written a list of absolute non negotiables to suit their needs to see if ILs can find something that works for them? If ILs have budget for multiple trips that seems their most sensible approach so your MIL can have the best of both worlds.

Just send her the URL for this thread with your easy-to-understand explanation at the top.

The Op has suggested separate accommodation, AI hotels, going without her and their youngest, going on a long weekend.

So I think the next few compromises could come from MIL.

We've managed UK holidays the last few years with my parents and 2 ND DC including our own 5 year old DSR. It's definitely not a holiday for us, but we do it to facilitate the kids having time with their grandparents as they don't live locally and we are aware they won't be around forever. What's worked for us is:

Self catering - slightly higher end properties with nearby amenities e.g. pool, games room in walking distance. Grandparents don't have to cook (as they are paying). We go through the property at the start of the stay and rearrange furniture /hide all the breakables (then put it all back at the end).

We don't all do the same thing during the day. No dragging DC round a stately home just because grandparents want to see it. We tell them what we are doing each day and they choose to join in with us or not. We all have dinner together most nights, if they want to go out to a lovely restaurant one night that's fine but we don't join.

I think you can make it work if you (and they) want to, but only if they compromise a bit and you to stop thinking of it as a holiday for you - and accept that some bits of it will be utter hell for you in the interests of DC having a holiday with grandparents.

Or just say no, that's always an option!

I think your inlaws are being really unfair here. They can offer something, but then it's on you whether you accept their gift or not. And that should be the end of it. Even leaving aside all the complexities it's unfair to put this kind of pressure on you - there can be 1000 reasons for turning down an offer of anything and a mutually respectful relationship would let it go once you say no thank you.

My daughter is ND and very typical for girls - intensely people pleasing followed by massive meltdowns later, just for us. So my inlaws really don't get it and they don't understand that we take the brunt of whatever is difficult during the day. They actually took us to Cyprus last year and I had to be borderline rude when we were working out the plans. After a few slightly tricky conversations, they actually ended up just giving me the budget and I found the accommodations that worked for us and gave the best chance for a successful trip.

My daughter needs her own space so we got a bigger than needed villa. She hates crowds so I got us a place with our own pool. We did a couple nights in a hotel but then most of the time in self catering so we could have more control over times and menu to eat. We rented a car so my husband took them on a couple of historical themed day trips while I took the kids to the beach or hung out in the house. And not because I'm a default parent, because I have limited ability to solo with my inlaws! When they got back I'd go down to the beach to read for a while or watch a movie or whatever.

These are not things that my inlaws would prefer (they love a leisurely alcohol fuelled dinner. And lunch. And breakfast.) but their priority was ensuring we all came and everyone had a nice time - and mostly the focus was on their 2 grandchildren. Just to say there are other ways people address this and if they respected you like they should, they should know you wouldn't ask for something that wasn't important.

My inlaws compromised and everything we needed was for mental health reasons (for us and her!). You have that plus the extra safety concerns which should be the absolute priority for all of you, so it's really sad to me that they can't see that. Your primary goal is keeping your child safe, that's true for every parent of course but you have to think about it all the time for far longer than parents of NT kids - or just kids like mine.

So I'd, kindly, sit them down and give them a couple options - you can pick a few places ahead of time that will work for you (Eurocamp, a villa somewhere pretty, whatever accommodations you need including short flights, easy airports, etc etc) and say 'these are 3 things that would work for us. If they don't work for you then we can celebrate together before or after but we cannot compromise on safety' and then it's up to them. And sure your husband and older child can go if you like, but if they want all of you there that's for them to decide.

sorry - this is crazy long. I have a lot to say apparently!

I would say to your MIL that you want to go, but they need to compromise. You can draw up a list of options with your DH and let them choose and just repeat if you want us to go, then any of the list we gave you is fine, otherwise just go without us.

One of the hard points about being a parent to a ND child is working out how honest to be to people who love him (and you) about what life can be like. And that it is not his fault. So language is used like ‘meltdown’ which allows both sides to acknowledge it is out of his control but doesn’t allow clarity on what actually happens.

Eg if I say ‘DS is likely to have a meltdown if he gets hungry’, that can be translated as ‘I might need to leave the room with him to calm him down’.

It isn’t easy to say ‘DS will only eat this food. And if he doesn’t eat, then he will start to hit me, and himself, and throw things, and scream at the top of his voice. And the screaming doesn’t stop when I take him out of earshot. And it could last 2 hours. And at the end of it he would still need something to eat, and so would I. And while he then may recover, I am mortified for the rest of the holiday.’

My in laws used to say, when booking things that I said he wouldn’t cope with, ‘no one will mind if he gets upset and has to leave’.
Well… we will mind. Because we will be the ones managing the meltdown, not being able to eat our food and having to take him out of the restaurant. It’s not fun for him or us.

this. It sounds to me as though they just don't understand and need to understand. If that's not possible then its going to have to be a "really sorry but that won't work"

Resolve to compromise.
Book a place in a region that PIL and older DC wish to explore but at accommodation that suits your DS8.
Involve yourselves in choosing the place.
Choose a place with self catering options so that you always have some prepared beige meals ready.

You understand how he can not become hungry - so feed him often.

Prepare for the fact that you and your DH will not have as relaxed a holiday as the others. Take turns to be the on duty parent for the younger child. That means that whatever is happening every second day you might have to withfraw from the family group and cater for your youngest back at the accommodation or the beach.

It will be a positive outcome for your oldest child. Your young one might surprise you and improve with every trip.
There are limited years left for your aging PIL to suggest such holidays

The OP has offered up a number of compromises but her PILs have refused them. It’s only a compromise if both parties give a little!

@Merryoldgoat I've only read your posts so this might have already been suggested

I'm Autistic with an Autistic DC, and I've always found that most people just don't get what life is like for us. What has worked for me in the past has been to use an analogy that is more straightforward to them eg lay out all the things that DC need accomodated and then say that Autism is a disability and without these accomodations available, it's like booking a hotel with steps everywhere when someone is a wheelchair user. In my experience, people seem to understand physical disabilities far easier and it sometimes just needs pointed out that disabilities like Autism can be just as limiting

I hope you can get something appropriate sorted, your in-laws sound wonderful ❤

MIL will have to accept a compromise that works for all of you or go without.

Why should you and little rhino have a shit holiday just to keep everyone else happy.bits your holiday too.

And I noticed this mental load falls to you not DH so do what's best for you

This is what I was thinking too.
Plan together for a holiday that suits all of you rather than shutting the whole thing down.
Good luck, OP x

Could you enlist her sympathy by telling her how difficult and tiring you are finding life, and how much you wish you could just relax for a week? It might mean swallowing your pride but if she’s so lovely I bet she’d be keen to help you find somewhere suitable.

OP, I am angry on your behalf. They may be nice grandparents, but there comes a point where obliviousness is pure ignorance. Their DGS is 8yo, non-verbal and only just toilet trained but they think you, as his mother, are being unreasonable not fitting in with their city break?

We got similar with DS4, my parents favourite refrain was "can't you just..." and pure wishful thinking. We ended up being bullied into an unsuitable weekend away and it was awful. The only upside was, having finally being exposed to the reality of DS's meltdowns and how constantly we had to manage him the whole weekend, they finally realised that there was no "just" about it.

No very nice for other guests if a child is running around like a rhino wrecking everything!

We have two small children and have annual holidays away with wider family (including teen cousins). The past three years I have been in quick and researched and shared a few accommodation options that suit us (and hopefully everyone else!). Luckily, having teens we usually go somewhere with plenty of activities but I make sure the house has enough bedrooms, pool is fenced off etc.

Are you able to say youd love to go away again but could they consider xyz locations and accommodation options which would suit you better?

The cruise ship that some one mentioned would that be an idea?

one were you get off daily and explore but you also have the option of staying on/going back to the ship early with son?

is there anyone who can look after him for a few days? Like your parents/siblings and you maybe go to were ever they are going for 1/2 days a then fly back solo and leave other DS with DH for the rest of the holiday?

That sounds really difficult but I think you have to not allow yourself to be bullied and to simply say that the AI experience wouldn't be your cup of tea either but the only break it gave you was on the catering front.

Would something like this work? Not necessarily this place, but similar.

It's a hotel, with self catering apartments alongside. It has a big indoor pool and its right on the beach [the Atlantic so not warm but insanely flat and safe and lovely for a potter about].
There are lots of things to do nearby so day trips are easy for the grandparents and it's about 45 mins from Cork airport which is a short hop from the UK.

I highly recommend it but it's not cheap [the hotel rooms, apartments much more reasonable] especially in the holidays but I'm sharing it to illustrate the sort of place that might work for both of you? It's v popular with families so there is undoubtedly a beige food option on a kids menu and a proper restaurant for sniffy grandparents.

https://www.inchydoneyisland.com

Alternatively, if MIL wants to pay for a villa of your choice with a housekeeper/chef somewhere warm, then you are all ears.

I'm with you OP.

It just doesn't work - however lovely and tolerant in laws are, what they enjoy and even their expectations are at odds with a child who needs a manageable environment, specific foods and predictable routines.

I would keep pushing for them to go with DH and older child.

Otherwise it won't be a good holiday and when it goes wrong everyone will feel terrible about it.

@Uptightmumma PIL don’t like cruises and tbh I’m not sure how I feel about them with him - not something I’ve looked at or considered.

I could have him looked after for 2/3 nights max but again, they want us all to be there.

There have been lots of good suggestions but to those telling me to take over the booking and organisation - it’s not my holiday or money - I can’t book anything.

The number of people who have taken this thread as an invitation to play travel agent and suggest alternative holidays - when the OP has already made it clear that the PILs won't accept any of those types of holiday and/or that they wouldn't be suitable or even safe for her younger son anyway - is unreal.

Ditto the people saying 'Oh, can't you compromise?' as if the OP wouldn't have thought of that.

OP, I don't have a DRS or indeed any kids at all, but even I can see that you YANBU here.

If any of you remember the ‘my son just called me mummy’ thread that is my DRS.

I do remember that thread! ❤

When are they looking to book for? I wonder if there's time before then to go away for another weekend and make sure they have more exposure to how much work it is taking DS2 away. It sounds from your OP like you shield them from a lot of it there.

(not at all intended as a criticism btw I absolutely get why you would!)

I also remember that thread!

Trust yourself. Your experience has been hard won - you know what works and what doesn't.

All you can do is again outline a proposal that would work and then let them decide whether they can make the necessary compromises.

I've just come out the other end of a similar issue. The emotional pressure to make things right for everyone whilst knowing it wouldn't work was horrible.