Holiday dilemma - SEN children and PIL

[Merryoldgoat]

I want to caveat this by saying my PIL (particularly MIL) are the dream in-laws. We get on well. They love our children (who in turn adore them) and they treat us all well.

We are local, see them multiple times a week as they do some childcare (which is entirely their choice) and we all rub along nicely and have done so for 20 years.

Our two DS (13 & 8) have ASD - the older is more able and educationally at expected levels, very outgoing and very personable. The youngest is non-verbal and like a rhino mixed with a wrecking ball. He is joyful and lovely and we all adore him but he is Hard Work.

Ok - the issue,

MIL is 80 next year and wants to take us all away. The type of holiday she likes will be a nightmare for us. They like walks, sightseeing, churches, museums etc. Older DS would love this. Younger would get zero out of this and be very difficult to manage. They like period properties with lovely surroundings. Absolute nightmare for the baby rhino to smash and use as a ball.

DH told her that it’s not something we can do and she is upset. Because we had a successful holiday abroad last year (our first one) she thinks it’s all systems go. Our holiday last year was to Ibiza to an AI which served beige food for the kids and had modern minimalist rooms, lots of pools and very few items that could be destroyed by DSR (Dear Son Rhino).

I have told her I’m perfectly happy for everyone else to go and I’ll stay with DSR but she doesn’t want that.

But we cannot do what she wants.

We’ve had long weekends with them and it’s been utterly hell because they book, we turn up to find there’s no WiFi, the kitchen is open plan so DSR is impossible to contain, the bedrooms are far apart so we need to have awkward sleeping arrangements, the house is unsafe (cellars and attics etc) so we are just run ragged but then they get to take him to the playground for an hour each day so think it’s a break for everyone and it’s not.

AIBU here? I don’t think I am but she’s so upset I’m open to hearing other viewpoints.

I’m on the verge of just saying a blanket ‘no’ as I know we won’t find something suitable and trying will cause more discord.

You need to work out a compromise. Your MIL is 80 - you can’t get this time back.

How about MIL offers a compromise?

You’re being a bit OTT.

Discuss a compromise with them? Sit down together and look at things?

I suspect in the past people simply opened their front doors and the kids ran riot all over the streets with the other local kids. This was the older generation’s experience of everyday parenting. And that was for neurotypical children.

Now, with children who are on the spectrum, we couldn’t possibly deal with life like this. The difference in parenting experiences is pretty vast.

And people really don’t get it anyway until they have this parenting experiencr. Even relatives/friends of mine, who are special needs specialists, have a limited understanding of what’s practical and what’s not.

OP, would Tresco be a suitable destination for your family?

They could stay in the hotel and you could take one of the cottages/apartments.

https://www.tresco.co.uk/

You and in all of you? I don’t think PP was saying OP needs to compromise. Compromise involved both people adjusting things

You really have no idea what you are talking about.

Her children’s safety is paramount. Her own physical health and mental health is also paramount. And you cannot live life around someone being eighty and not getting this time back. You could have a lovely time another weekend or day, relaxing at home and celebrating & making the birthday special without putting your own blood pressure through the roof and endangering your child’s safety.

I love the way you described your DS. My 5 year old has SEN and can be like this, he’s a force to be reckoned with at times! So I completely understand. We do visit museums and galleries still but have to keep him close at all times and do the tight wrist hold which I believe most SEN parents will understand! Also understand why AI makes most sense with the beige buffets. We went on one last year and my DS just ate chips and strawberry ice cream all week, cake for breakfast.

If they’re totally inflexible and unwilling to stay in different accommodation then screw it, they’ll have to go alone and you can have a better holiday without them.

You could price another weekend. She might be open to going to two places at different times. Center parcs is very well designed for things like this.

Its hard isn't it it ?
Mu son is severely autistic with severe learning disabilities and completely non verbal hes nearly 16 now but with similar issues with keeping him clothed in public and safe
We used to do a lot of caravan holidays when he was younger but even they are hard work.

Could PIL come and stay with you for a weekend, you dont paper over the cracks, you do life as you always do, so they can see how much hard work it is?
And for what its worth, id be going on the hol and letting dh go away with little rhino.

We have always taken the view no one has a nice holiday unless the children are regulated and it is less stress for my daughter and son in law as parents. Your PIL should do the type of holiday they like on their own if it doesn’t work for the rest of the family. It is always tricky with multi generational holidays though as differing needs. We used to take my 90 year old mum as well as our daughters and GC but now it doesn’t work so we take her away separately.

As a SEN mum - though my DS is a bit more like your older DS - you're doing amazingly. And I completely agree with the PP who said you are very much downplaying it!

I think you're absolutely right to just put your foot down and say this isn't happening. Most 8yos wouldn't want the holiday you've described your PIL wanting, let alone one with your younger DS's needs. Your PIL sound lovely but they've lost the plot a bit here in a way that is quite familiar: in the kindest way, they don't get it.

If you did want to look at somewhere that might work for the whole family, would Jersey be an option? There are nice hotels for the PIL, and lots of cultural stuff (castles, museums etc) in a small area. We stayed in a CP type holiday park (Les Ormes) that had a trampoline park and small outdoor pool, with a larger amazing leisure centre a short drive away. Even in August, it didn't feel rammed. No AI, but plenty of restaurants on the island that serve pizza and chips.

You have no idea about me! How rude!

Following on from the Centre Parcs suggestions could you propose a European centre Parcs? I feel it would rock so many boxes for your group:
Can share a lodge with plenty of space but not full of ornaments or could get separate but neighbouring lodges (ideal if they would agree) lots of rhino-friendly places to run and play, parks, swimming etc BUT also can go out and explore the area, choose somewhere with historic properties or whatever it was a short drive away. Lots of beige options on site but can also leave for the naice restaurants - could even feed your DSs chips on site and then have them sit with an iPad whilst you all enjoy a meal? Don’t know if that would work for your family so just an idea.

You can aim for somewhere a short flight or even drive via the Chunnel if that would work better for you.

Compromise means give and take on both sides and it sounds like PIL want it all their way. Taking SEN kids round European cities would not be something we would do with our GC because they would be bored and disregulated and a nightmare for our daughter and her husband. PIL should either go on their own and do what they want or come to a compromise with OP about what is suitable for what sounds like a severely disabled ASD child. Or just take their son and elder DGS.

There are so many options that aren't either an all inclusive hotel or a quaint European city break.

Is there anywhere easy train or car distance from where you live? Or could you get a villa in France? Ideally near somewhere the adults could go and enjoy nature/culture and the kid can enjoy the pool and chill out at home.

Sorry, it just sounds so lovely that the grandparents want to treat you to a holiday and it would be such a shame if everyone didn't get to experience that because of your son's disabilities, including your son.

Could you stay near but not with each other? Also don’t let your husband leave all the dsr care to you, I get they are his parents but he is still a parent and needs to step up to give you a break.

Just the idea of my 7 year old autistic son on a cruise ship gives me palpitations!
OP I get it, I have a DRS. I also have lovely ILs who try their best but don’t get it. They live abroad and when we visit they’ll book long leisurely meals (for a kid who only eats cheese and fruit), sight seeing trips to ancient monuments, boat trips… I mean I’d love to do all of that stuff, I really would, but the reality is that our lives don’t look like that any more.

Thanks. I hadn’t thought of that.

OP you list a whole host of reasons why the last holiday worked. Perhaps there is an extra layer too - that doing the same sort of thing next holiday is a really important part of settling him and making it work, and keeping the whole thing positive.

We have got to the stage now of villa holidays and days out sightseeing (of a fashion) with our autistic DC but it's a process. We have a concept of "holiday normal" which DC takes great comfort in, and it gives him a jumping off point to expand his horizons. It doesn't mean always doing exactly the same thing, just not changing too much at once. In your case I would think the familiar food and shortness of the break are must-haves.

Our first AI holiday DC ate completely beige except for one new food on the last morning. A couple of holidays later he was filling half his plate from the salad bar (admittedly with exactly the same salad) at every meal. Now we can holiday in a villa or a hotel and he eats more widely than he will at home, because "holiday normal" has expanded to include trying new foods. But it had to start by re-creating that safety each time. Trust your instincts.

@Blushingm
This families life is already always a huge compromise.
Saying you can't do something because you are disabled is not someone not being willing to compromise, it is someone expressing good healthy boundaries. You wouldn't expect a wheelchair user to make a compromise and agree to a walking holiday would you?
This is the same. These guys can't make the compromises that the grandparents want them to and so are thoughtfully bowing out of the holiday rather than get in a heated debate about whether they can "alter" the disabilities of their child to suit the holiday.
Having to explain why you can't do some things all of the time is exhausting.

I know (hope) you meant to post something helpful but it came across as extremely patronising.

Yes yes, perhaps DS2 could agree only to be non-verbal autistic for half the week.

Can I just say I love the adoption of DRS from you all on this thread ❤️

If any of you remember the ‘my son just called me mummy’ thread that is my DRS.