Holiday dilemma - SEN children and PIL

[Merryoldgoat]

I want to caveat this by saying my PIL (particularly MIL) are the dream in-laws. We get on well. They love our children (who in turn adore them) and they treat us all well.

We are local, see them multiple times a week as they do some childcare (which is entirely their choice) and we all rub along nicely and have done so for 20 years.

Our two DS (13 & 8) have ASD - the older is more able and educationally at expected levels, very outgoing and very personable. The youngest is non-verbal and like a rhino mixed with a wrecking ball. He is joyful and lovely and we all adore him but he is Hard Work.

Ok - the issue,

MIL is 80 next year and wants to take us all away. The type of holiday she likes will be a nightmare for us. They like walks, sightseeing, churches, museums etc. Older DS would love this. Younger would get zero out of this and be very difficult to manage. They like period properties with lovely surroundings. Absolute nightmare for the baby rhino to smash and use as a ball.

DH told her that it’s not something we can do and she is upset. Because we had a successful holiday abroad last year (our first one) she thinks it’s all systems go. Our holiday last year was to Ibiza to an AI which served beige food for the kids and had modern minimalist rooms, lots of pools and very few items that could be destroyed by DSR (Dear Son Rhino).

I have told her I’m perfectly happy for everyone else to go and I’ll stay with DSR but she doesn’t want that.

But we cannot do what she wants.

We’ve had long weekends with them and it’s been utterly hell because they book, we turn up to find there’s no WiFi, the kitchen is open plan so DSR is impossible to contain, the bedrooms are far apart so we need to have awkward sleeping arrangements, the house is unsafe (cellars and attics etc) so we are just run ragged but then they get to take him to the playground for an hour each day so think it’s a break for everyone and it’s not.

AIBU here? I don’t think I am but she’s so upset I’m open to hearing other viewpoints.

I’m on the verge of just saying a blanket ‘no’ as I know we won’t find something suitable and trying will cause more discord.

But then the OP has to put herself and her son through a ‘hard work’ weekend away. I think people are forgetting that it doesn’t just cause the carer of the child difficulties, it causes the child distress too. That’s why they have meltdowns away from home/routine, because they’re struggling and disregulated. I wouldn’t put my child through that just to prove something to my in laws.
ETA sorry that far sounded more critical of you than intended… I just mean that she shouldn’t have to do anything to justify her decision to her in laws.

I'm not talking about anything that would cause more distress.

OP has already mentioned what happens on weekends away, and hasn't said anything to suggest that DS is distressed. One would hope they wouldn't take him if that were the case. What she has said is that it's exhausting for her and DH to contain DS2, but that PIL wrongly think it's a break for everyone because they go with him to the playground for an hour.

Posted this before the edit too. I don't think she should have to do anything either, but it's a suggestion as to how to manage this going forward- since they evidently want a holiday abroad with their DGC and there's at least potential for it to be something everyone might get some benefit out of. They're evidently quite fixed in their thinking. Some people need to be shown.

Not only is it not fair on you (and let's face it, it's supposed to be a holiday for you too!), it's definitely not fair on your son and you're doing the right thing advocating for HIM.

We travel quite a bit with our ASD daughter - and to the outside world, it looks like she takes it all in her stride, but behind closed doors it's very different. There's so many things we have to take into account.

What other people don't see... we have to get a taxi, or we'd never get her out of the house. We can only book certain flight times, so as not to disrupt her sleep pattern. Journeys by car or bus can only be 90 mins max. Other people's devices / background music are like torture for her, even with noise cancelling headphones. She needs her own room and bathroom so she can decompress before and after each 'bit', so after travelling, before dinner, after dinner etc. A whole day of anything is a no go. She's probably able to last 2 hours max then needs to go back to her room. She doesn't like bright lights, including sunlight, or strong smells. Even taking all of this into account, holidays are (very) tricky.

If someone else booked a holiday for us as a surprise it would be a disaster! You know your son and what he can cope with. You've been more than fair offering to stay home with him. It would be great if you could find common ground, but don't try to shoehorn your DS into their ideal holiday.

I agree with PPs, could you go for a weekend away ahead of time and have PILs look after DRS for a few hours so they start to see what it is like?

Sympathy re different phases of life/interests. My family and I stayed in a stunning apartment full of antique furniture with PILs in Italy - PILs adored it, DH and I were horrified at the number of expensive delicate things our small DC could break/ruin and were very stressed any time we were in the apartment. Could you get an Air BNB which might offer more opportunity to find something that can meet both needs eg we stayed somewhere in the South of France with ILs which was a basic holiday cottage (nothing much to smash!) with a hot tub, in woods and by a river that the kids could splash in and charge around, but was in the grounds of an amazing stately home. It was near a large supermarket where you could get a wide variety of foods, with lots of little restaurants doing takeaway so we had different food to the kids qnd could make them eg basic pasta whilst we had some nice French food. Of course this still may not suit, but Air BNBs can be a bit more unique.

I agree, your DH has to be firm, and you will have to decline if they continue to insist on "their" type of holiday. TBH, even a neurotypical eight-year-old will get bored with endless national trust outings and museums.

Would something like Europarcs or self-catered accommodation work? I have my own DSR (mild, instead of severe) and the ability for him to go off to his own room when overwhelmed and have familiar food makes a massive difference. Plus, Europcamps have on-site activities you can choose to do (or not) and make a fantastic base for exploring the area.

I appreciate that self-catering isn't a holiday in the truest sense of the word for you, but it might stave off the more obvious triggers.

But just to say if PILs won't compromise, given they are being the difficult ones, they will just have to not go. They need to accept the reality of your lives.

Are the public/ open plan spaces not a nightmare with a baby rhino??

Flashback to the time my 4 year old decided to run off on a crowded cross Channel ferry and it took us over an hour to find him, and he could have gone over the side for all we knew.

Fellow DSR mum here! And I will be adopting the DSR title so please don’t trademark it.

I have 2 x AuDHD sons. Both are very different. The eldest is in mainstream and from the Sheldon branch of the ND algorithm. The youngest has an EHCP (for now, narrows eyes at Kier), DLA and is waiting for a specialist school.

There’s a strong heritable aspect to ND: your in laws are being very intransigent……any chance there’s a bit of ASD at play there….?

As an aside, I also adore my in laws AND my parents AND most of our large extended family. They are brilliant with our DSRs but they absolutely do NOT get the 24/7 element of raising DSRs / ND children. Not their fault, as such, but I can’t help that either.

I also 1000000% agree with what you said about how this wasn’t how you expected life to be like. Non SEND parents, no matter how lovely and thoughtful, cannot appreciate that fully.

Sending solidarity.

Agreed. OP is, I would imagine, in a constant state of stress and hyper vigilance as it is.

This isn’t a holiday. It’s an anti-holiday.

And OP I understand how upsetting it is that this is the reality and nobody prepared us for this. Being a parent of an autistic child can be an extremely lonely place. Very socially isolating. No one understands why/that you cannot just sit in a coffee shop or do the normal expected things.

Omg the thought of a cruise gives me the absolute fear too. My own DSR would frequently disappear and I still remember the fear of losing him in a french castle with a sheer cliff top drop and in a shopping centre next to a dock. Also, the lights and carpets would have been massively overwhelming for him

I just wanted to say how beautifully you write about your DSR, hope a holiday can be found that works for you all, if not do whatever makes you and your boys happy .

Yep, and I may end up with bite marks up my arm and a black eye and hair pulled out etc etc etc.

There’s a strong heritable aspect to ND: your in laws are being very intransigent……any chance there’s a bit of ASD at play there….?

I wondered the same thing myself, but MN often responds badly to people suggesting anyone in a given scenario might be undiagnosed ND so didn't dare!

Fellow DRS mum here. Love the acronym.

I think you stay home.

Far better they have a nice trip and feel sad you weren't there than have a bad trip and regret little rhino coming along. That's too sad for them and for you and for him.

I agree. Even if you stipulate what would work for you, whoever is booking it will likely not really get it and book something which is not quite right. And you will have to deal with the outcome.

Are there other aunts/uncles coming along or is the plan for you and your partner and children?

Surely they will just get on with plans if there is a bunch of cousins and aunts, uncles etc.

The heritable aspect is interesting. Neither DH nor I are ND, and I very much doubt PIL are, however there are lots of peripheral family members (and BIL) who are but of the ‘Sheldon’ flavour (this is my older son) so the DSR profile is very unusual to us.

DH & I obviously have the right mix to produce this little ball of wonder.

I have no issue with being asked if we/they are ND - it seems unlikely though.

This is so well put. I think before we got 10 years into this SEN parenting lark I might have been one of those saying essentially "make the effort" for GPs' sake. But I just don't have the spare capacity for that now, I'm too shattered. In hindsight it would be the classic MN trope "setting yourself on fire to keep someone else warm".

You don't have prove anything to them OP. They have the choice whether to listen to what you are saying or not. Since you are secure that they love you all, hopefully your husband will manage to get the message through.

Agree she is not being OTT - she is putting the basic but significant physical and psychological needs of her child first for his own safety.

I disagree that @Merryoldgoatneeds to compromise with the MIL (unless she has some very challenging physical and mental issues that need accommodating).

If I were the OP I would take time to explain but not apologise or compromise - if anything I would be looking at last years holiday experience and seeing where you can tweak / improve / adapt the experience so that he is not overstimulated/overwhelmed/stressed.

Maybe try to mirror your home routines and experiences as closely as possible.

As parents we are not here to indulge the whims, demands and delusions of grown arsed adults at the cost of our vulnerable and developing child’s challenging emotional requirements.

Holidays are important for family memories and that includes your DH and other son - they are rare and precious experiences and we need to protect them for everyone.

I would decide what is an enhanced family experience for you 4 this year and then invite MIL along (not staying under same roof) see how flexible and inclusive she is then. Shocked that she’s ‘upset’ is she usually so emotionally immature / dysregulated?

Shocked that she’s ‘upset’ is she usually so emotionally immature / dysregulated?

She really isn’t which is why I’m somewhat bemused. I think there are probably a few things at play and I am hopeful that once she has got over the initial disappointment she will understand.

One thing I think is that they take the older boy away every year alone (have done since he was 5!) and they haw a wonderful time. I also think that she was excited, didn’t think it through properly, and feels like we’ve put a damper on her lovey gesture.

I’m hopeful when she’s had some time to reflect she’ll get it.

Hi @Merryoldgoat .

What sort of budget are you looking at?

A random suggestion that occurs to me - have you thought about Austria? I know a lot of the big ski resort type hotels have two bedded family suites with lounges where you four would be self contained, and extremely picturesque for the ILs. Very lovely in summer, without the ski crowd.

If you chose one eg near Salzburg your MIL could have culture coming out of her ears visiting there, and Austrian mountain villages are very beautiful and traditional. Peaceful walks on the doorstep. Not too long a flight either.

You could choose one that did AI and was child/ teenager friendly - you could look at the Kinderhotel chain, but I think others are available. Also the Water gardens at Hellbrunn would be hilarious for at least most of the family, and just outside Salzburg.

Just a thought?

@GoldbergVariations I’ve always wanted to go to Austria!

I have zero idea of budget - likely significant though as they are very comfortable and not generally extravagant.

It's extremely selfish to call all the shots they should be sitting down and discussing it
So what if she's upset.

Learn to go about things the right way .

How much money is available for the trip? Can't you bring a babysitter along with you, so she can help with DS and everyone can relax a bit?

Whereabout are you? I know a lovely nanny who does holidays with young people with disabilities. I used to observe her with her young charge when I was bringing my kids to sen swimming lessons. She does tend to get booked up in advance.

Odd that she is treating your boys differently? How does your 8 year old feel that his older brother gets this special one on one holiday since the age of 5 and this generous, privilege is not extended to him?

I doubt you would agree to it anyway and I suspect that they already know they couldn’t handle DSR…..so not sure why she’s ‘upset’ - maybe it’s reality biting for her?

Is there any further favouring of your older DS by the grandparents at other times?