Holiday dilemma - SEN children and PIL

[Merryoldgoat]

I want to caveat this by saying my PIL (particularly MIL) are the dream in-laws. We get on well. They love our children (who in turn adore them) and they treat us all well.

We are local, see them multiple times a week as they do some childcare (which is entirely their choice) and we all rub along nicely and have done so for 20 years.

Our two DS (13 & 8) have ASD - the older is more able and educationally at expected levels, very outgoing and very personable. The youngest is non-verbal and like a rhino mixed with a wrecking ball. He is joyful and lovely and we all adore him but he is Hard Work.

Ok - the issue,

MIL is 80 next year and wants to take us all away. The type of holiday she likes will be a nightmare for us. They like walks, sightseeing, churches, museums etc. Older DS would love this. Younger would get zero out of this and be very difficult to manage. They like period properties with lovely surroundings. Absolute nightmare for the baby rhino to smash and use as a ball.

DH told her that it’s not something we can do and she is upset. Because we had a successful holiday abroad last year (our first one) she thinks it’s all systems go. Our holiday last year was to Ibiza to an AI which served beige food for the kids and had modern minimalist rooms, lots of pools and very few items that could be destroyed by DSR (Dear Son Rhino).

I have told her I’m perfectly happy for everyone else to go and I’ll stay with DSR but she doesn’t want that.

But we cannot do what she wants.

We’ve had long weekends with them and it’s been utterly hell because they book, we turn up to find there’s no WiFi, the kitchen is open plan so DSR is impossible to contain, the bedrooms are far apart so we need to have awkward sleeping arrangements, the house is unsafe (cellars and attics etc) so we are just run ragged but then they get to take him to the playground for an hour each day so think it’s a break for everyone and it’s not.

AIBU here? I don’t think I am but she’s so upset I’m open to hearing other viewpoints.

I’m on the verge of just saying a blanket ‘no’ as I know we won’t find something suitable and trying will cause more discord.

I think your PIL are being very uncompromising. They want you all to go but only on their terms. Surely at this stage they must know that huge accomodations have to be made for your son . Thanks for asking but the kind of holiday you want just doesnt work well for DSR. And let your DH be the one to discuss it with them.

We did suggest booking separate accommodation. Guess what? They want us all in the same place.

I think that they just haven’t yet really accepted how different life looks now.

Their fantasy of their retirement would have been lots of shared holidays which they treated us to all around quaint European towns and cities.

It’s just not the way it was meant to be 🤷🏾‍♀️

I do feel for you
Could you holiday in parallel? So the same location but you, DH and your DSes in a bland AI place and your in-law’s in a place with character down the road and different members of your family meet up with them depending on the plan for the day. If it’s a few hours on the beach, it might be something you do together; if it’s a trip to a castle, it might be that your DH and DS1 go; if it’s the middle of the week, it might be that DS1 is in need to a slump day as well as DS2

I will not holiday with any one who tries to guilt trip me, a holiday it meant to be a mutual thing not some control thing, if they were they that nice they would understand

and no you dont have to suck it up because well you dont have to pay

Thank you all. I think I’ll leave it to DH to keep firm on our position.

I suspect it will end up with DH & DS going.

Maybe I’ll fuck off to Champney’s for a long weekend when they get back. 🤣

Since they do sound well meaning, perhaps what you said above is worth saying to them? Whether consciously or not they are trying to impose their dream of what grandparenting would be like, and haven't accepted the reality is different.

Perhaps if you tell them you understand, this isn't what you imagined either, but you need to deal with the reality not pick up the pieces when their fantasy creates disaster with DSR. Acknowledge the loss but say they can still share holidays with accommodations. If MIL still won't budge then that's on her.

I know the OP has made a decision but in general well meaning is ''Here is the plan I would really love it if you can ll come along"" that is a lovely thing to suggest not throwing a tantrum or putting on waterworks and trying to guilt trip because you want your own way

@CraftyYankee thank you for your considered responses

@PollyBell I agree. They are lovely but not very flexible in some ways.

Cruise. Honestly. I wish I’d discovered them years ago. They’re the perfect compromise and you can still have your culture and fab food. My SEN kids love it.

No you are not unreasonable.

Your priority is your family. Your DSR sounds like he would be hugely hyper sensitised, over whelmed and stressed by the food and holiday set up that MIL is fantasying about. Your DSR doesn’t need this environment to keep a delusional and frankly quite an insensitive MIL happy - where has she been the last 13 / 8 years. Her ‘upset’ is quite controlling and bizarre. How has she no idea what you endure.

So your DSR is top trump - never put any struggling child in a situation to artificially appease someone else.

This would also be detrimental to your older DS as all attention would be focused on walking on eggshells and then there would be the inevitable chaos and meltdown which will likely trigger him. Then you and your DH would be in despair.

So no, a good mother is not being unreasonable here - you need to advocate to prevent your DSR not to be exposed to harmful environments.

Why only you What about your DH

That must be awkward but you know your DS needs best and it sounds like what they want won’t work for him. If they aren’t willing to be flexible with accommodation and go for AI hotel if you think that would work then I can’t see you can do anything other than you already suggested. We do private villa holidays with our family and we have 2 ASD grandchildren.

I think she will have to accept some compromise, if she wants everyone to go. Book your own accommodation that suits your child. Do the activities that you can, and sit out the ones that don't. I know you said it won't be much of a break for you, but id still go, with that very realistic view: it isn't a break for you. But it might still be worth doing? In a way that suits you, not just doing everything exactly as MIL wants. We went on holiday with in laws, 2 of my 4 children were still preschool age. It was an enormous amount of work for me and I had to sit some things out, but my children enjoyed themselves and there are some lovely memories (and some stressful ones that are now funny stories). If your husband can stand up to her insisting that it all be a certain way, and he can ensure that sometimes it's him staying back with your youngest so you can do some things too, it might be worthwhile.

Let dh go with one of the kids. Your priority is your kids and clearly their priority is the special birthday. I get both sides.

It does sound like a no. I can see a way through to convincing them that they are just putting too many conditions to make it workable but actually I don't think getting them to compromise to make a holiday that is just about bearable for you is really in anyone's interest. There is a real risk you will all come out of it feeling a bit resentful.

My advice is let DH & DS go, but seriously, book yourself something else another time too, while DH runs the household. I go away in term time so DH has the structure of school to help him get through the days. It'll be great for you.

I would recommend your DH use words like"we can't", rather than "we don't"t want to". Because I think that is what yo uate describing.

@Cornishclio it's really nice to read this from a grandparent.

could You say things like the reason our holiday worked was X reasons. And DSR has X requirements in order to be happy whilst away. It is exhausting for me looking after him without X needs being met so we would not be able to join you unfortunately

I think you need to lay out requirements and if they can meet it, great, if not, nope.

My parents like to take us to a cottage every year and thankfully they let us take over booking last year and stopped pushing communal meals.

And I totally get why it would be you with DS. My higher needs son picks me for situations like vacations or big outings usually. His dad is his favourite for somethings, but if he’s overwhelmed DH can only handle him by carrying him whereas I’ve developed other strategies because I can’t carry a 6yo very far.

Having my own DSR, I think you're a hero for having taken him abroad already. Don't agree to this, it'll be monumentally stressful for you and when it all goes wrong your PIL will be upset, ruining the experience for them anyway. That has been my experience, everyone doing sad face and saying 'what a shame' if I say something is unsuitable and then I relent and they are horrified when it all kicks off.

What about the Caribbean or similar, some hotels have a variety of catering where there are restaurants from many countries / cultures along with the beige buffet style restaurant too, plus many excursions to chose from? I think we went to I’ve from the Melia group, they had French, Mexican, teppenyaki, Italian, Asian, and many more to chose from

Normally any post to do with the inlaws has posters responding leave your dh to it and normally I very much disagree. I think it's important to be able to speak directly to inlaws and cultivate your own relationship with them as a dil. However, this is one occasion where you have already explained the difficulties you are likely to encounter,offered up solutions and yet they still can't meet you half way. I think you have done more than enough to placate them but now I would just hold firm and let your dh deal with them.

Can’t believe some of the responses you have got OP. Some people just don’t have a clue. If I were in your shoes I would absolutely not go unless it’s somewhere your DSR would enjoy and be happy. If they won’t compromise then you can’t go. It’s that simple.

Rubbish. I’ve lived with a child with ASD - in fact two - and this poster is not being remotely dramatic. In fact she is underplaying how stressful this is.

I’d say that’s not suitable for dgc were are going to book xyz would you like to come with us?

Could you stay in different accommodation and then you can meet up?

Would somewhere in the UK work? Self catering?