18 year old dd will not let me attend A-level parents' evening

[18yearoldhell]

Since starting sixth form, dd has become more teenagery than she ever was at 14 years old.
Rude, entitled, ungrateful and demand-avoidant. Was never any issues before and couldn't believe how we had sailed through her early teenage years.

Parents' evening email came round. She is year 13. The expectation is that the student books the appointments for the parent (there is no other option).

DD is point blank refusing to do so. Says she's 18, an adult and it is pointless.

AIBU to expect to go to her parents' evening? She thinks I am utterly ridiculous and 'no one' elses' parents will be going and most teachers aren't evening doing appointments (yeah right).

Interested how other parents would play this.

Every school in my area uses the arbor app to share student behaviour, attendance and grades. No idea re legality but thankfully dd is very open with me.

What you don’t seem to understand at all, with all your posts that reveal you to be a controlling and overbearing parent, is that not all parental involvement is positive. Parents who treat their 18 year olds like children and put unbearable pressure on them are just going to end up with anxious kids with low self/esteem. They are also going to end up ruining their relationship with them and driving them away. The resentment that builds up in the child is going to be huge. But as long as they get into Oxbridge, I guess it’s worth it right??

I went through school with being told I “wasn’t applying myself, was lazy, maybe the subject just wasn’t for me” and my parents being permanently disappointed in me. It made me think fuck it, I don’t care anymore. When I went to college at 16 they no longer took any interest in my education and I flourished without the constant pressure and criticism. Got all As in A Levels. I’d never have done so well if I was constantly being told I wasn’t good enough. I needed to learn in my own way not the way my parents thought I “should” learn because I was becoming my own (adult) person

Can't see what's so overbearing and controlling about me. What's so wrong in attending a parent's evening? My kids all still love me very much. They didn't get into Oxbridge but all have achieved A/A*s at A-level and went to fab unis.

I supported and encouraged my children a lot and (when necessary) corrected them when they were going on the wrong pathway. They are all very bright children and are/will go on to do great things.

All teenagers hate their parents, I know I did and knew when I had children, they would equally feel embarrassed, as I was of mine. You are in that stage when she is an adult with her training wheels still on. She is not an adult but you are. If you go, so what if she is embarrassed. Teens are always embarrassed, that's why they are teenagers. If you don't go, she gets her way, but it also could show that you don't care enough to be there. Because kids at that age are a push me pull you.
It is a choice.
If it was me I'd go, it's her education her future, yes. But she is still a child. They are all know it alls, just as all teens are. And I was. The fact is they don't know it all and only age teaches you that.

If this is a parent/teacher meeting the title says it all. We attended all our two sons' Y13 parents' meetings even though one of them turned 18 in the November. As someone else has suggested, your daughter though 18 is still your dependent and part of your role as her parent is to support her through this stage of her life. I doubt that no other parents will attend - I'd say it would be unusual for no parents to attend. Good luck!

That's the difference between a student and a pupil though. You as a student elected to study and probably paid your own tuition. She is at school as a pupil on the taxpayers money and being supported by parents.
IKWYM though. It did seem funny that I had to sign a permission slip for my 18 year old to go to the school ball when he was old enough to buy alcohol in a pub.

I'm with the 18 year old on this specific point - they shouldn't be holding parents' evenings. At the very least the college should rebrand them as feedback sessions to which students are invited to bring family members.

Better to leave the academics alone - it's her problem if she fails and save arguments for issues that impact other people.

I think stern chat about her future and that you will stop paying for the insurance unless she starts to treat you with respect. If she is struggling in school I suggest trying to help her rather than getting cross. My son was failing all his GCSEs at muck level but pulled his socks up.

She isn't actually a child, though.

You didn't have to, though. The school were incorrect to ask you to.

Yes, I agree. If she were in college and not school, she'd be treated like an adult, wouldn't she?

Has she applied for uni?

"you as a student elected to study and probably paid your own tuition. She is at school as a pupil on the taxpayers money and being supported by parents."

I don't think this distinction is correct. I didn't pay tuition fees at university. I was supported by taxpayers and my parents, but I was most definitely a student and not a pupil. At school, we were mainly called pupils, but our headteacher said we were students in sixth form.

Most sensible post I’ve read so far!

My mum would have called school and made an appointment and gone. She would have given short shrift to my tantrum.

Honestly? That's what I think you should do. Yes she's an adult. But she's also still your child, living under your roof, presumably expecting some form of support and comfort?

If she lives under your roof and doesn't pay rent or anything else then she still lives under your rules. As a parent I always attended parents' evenings but in the sixth form mind went to FE college but they still got reports online. As a teacher I often find A level students the worst at doing their work. For every hour lesson she should be doing at leadt another hour on top but they rsrely do. Parents DO attend the parents' evening. I think she's lying.

You absolutely cannot discuss the behaviour of an 18 year old adult with their parent IF they have explicitly said not to. I'm an ex sixth form teacher.

Edit to add - We did not advertise this to students though as it was a pain not being able to communicate with parents!

I would suggest you book the appointments and she goes (alone).

Some of my students do this. Some bring an older sibling - those are often the best appointments!

They are HER A-levels. If she won't go then you should though (or her dad?)

18 year olds at school are adults but the school is still responsible for them. It's not quite as clear cut as they turn 18 and parents are cut out of the loop.

Surely if she doesn’t give you permission to go/be there, at her age are the school allowed to discuss anything specifically without permission?
My parents didn’t attend any parents evenings for me after I left secondary school and headed college, but I’m aware that I’m middle-aged and things change!
it does just seem a bit odd that there would be parents evenings for 18 year olds, many of them head off to uni etc around that age and won’t have parents on hand.
I wouldn’t go if she doesn’t want you there but equally I wouldn’t pay her car insurance if she was disrespectful and rude to me.
She can’t have it both ways… if she wants to be adult enough not to have your input, then she can be adult enough to pay her way and watch her attitude.

I'd be telling her to stop talking nonsense, the reason there's a Parents Evening is because the school and the teachers want to communicate with the parents of their pupils. And yes, other pupil's parents will be going and teachers will be doing appointments.

And then I'd tell her she either makes the appointments or I'd be phoning up the school and explaining the issue to them and getting them to make the appointments instead.

No ifs, no buts, she makes the appointments or I'll be taking the matter into my own hands.

[She] "Says she's 18, an adult and it is pointless."
An adult? Then why is she behaving like a tantrumming toddler? Yes, I would say that to her.

I hope you go to show her she can’t rule you. I would be very concerned and would want to know why. If you give in then you’ll only have yourself to blame if she comes back with you not attending in the future. Good luck. I hope it all turns out well for you.

I agree with this post. As someone trained in non-violence resistance, many of these posts will cause escalation. It’s important to use ‘I’ statements and not get into arguments. It will get better and had similar where my DD did not want me to come to a meeting about sixth forms. I drove her to the school and when she got out, I remained in the car and she came back and asked why I was still there. I told her that I could see all young people with an adult and I was worried that her school would think I was not interested in her education - she told me that she hadn’t wanted me there as she thought I would be bored! If I had forced my attendance, we would have sat there in stony silence. There was obviously a lot of lead up to this incidence.

Is there a parent portal for her at college? Where my son goes we can access attendance, timetable and exams etc and also get a message when he isn't in a class. When it's parents evening, we only get asked to attend if there is an issue that needs attention. I do however think that as they are 18 they have to take responsibility and make this clear to him. If they mess up now, they have to deal with it. The more we enforce sometimes, the more they push back.

Hmm. I mean I refused to invite my parents to parents evening in upper sixth. I also crossed out all the "signed by parent/guardian" bits and signed them myself once I turned 18. I thought it was ridiculous the school was asking for my parents permission given I was an adult. BUT, I also stayed on the rails and did a solid job on my exams etc, so there wasn't anything for my parents to worry about.