18 year old dd will not let me attend A-level parents' evening

[18yearoldhell]

Since starting sixth form, dd has become more teenagery than she ever was at 14 years old.
Rude, entitled, ungrateful and demand-avoidant. Was never any issues before and couldn't believe how we had sailed through her early teenage years.

Parents' evening email came round. She is year 13. The expectation is that the student books the appointments for the parent (there is no other option).

DD is point blank refusing to do so. Says she's 18, an adult and it is pointless.

AIBU to expect to go to her parents' evening? She thinks I am utterly ridiculous and 'no one' elses' parents will be going and most teachers aren't evening doing appointments (yeah right).

Interested how other parents would play this.

Schools are getting away with it because students don't know about GPDR so don't complain. It will happen though. Universities and colleges are much more careful.

as other posters have said, the majority of schools share this data routinely with parents of yr 13s whether they are 18 or not and I imagine unless there is an explicit request from the student to the school not to share this then it’s not a problem. We don’t allow parents access to gcse or a level results without the students written consent but progress and attendance data is available on MCAS or whatever apps are used. I admit i have never been directly involved in a situation where the students consent for progress updates / parents evening has been withdrawn but I stand corrected that in that case we wouldn’t be allowed to discuss with parents. I don’t think schools maliciously withhold this information from students ; it’s just not that common a situation in schools I know. most of the time we try to work in collaboration with young people and their parents as that usually leads to the best outcomes. Most yr 13 students and parents attend progress meetings at my school.

What harm do you think will result, from parents meeting teachers or receiving report data, assuming the student has not withdrawn consent? Have you had some particularly upsetting experience? Don't feel you have to answer but I'm just wondering why you feel so strongly. Most parents I meet are keen to support their young person and to know how they're doing - and will be contributing money for university so it does rather make sense to know if they're on track to meet the entry requirements...

If students are living independently and planning to pay for university, fair enough.

Yes so it's more lack of knowledge from the pupils than anything else

I think idlf more pupils were aware of this right they might exercise it

Is she planning to go to University? Will she be self funding as an adult or expecting parental contributions?

'no one' elses' parents will be going and most teachers aren't evening doing appointments

You’ve got to respect a teenager’s blind belief that everyone over 20 is as thick as two short planks. The amount of delusion required to think you would believe that! Unparalleled.

Mcas never stopped when my dc turned 18.

Think legally the DD at 18 has ever legal right to not have the school give the parents any single shred of information.

But the main question now is, is this behaviour normal/moral? Or is it a sign of a bratty teenager who doesn't respect her loving parents.

I suppose I feel strongly as i know a couple of people who are estranged from their parents so really wouldn't have wanted them to receive information. Not all parents are kind and loving. I think that all adults should have the right to confidentially. Why do schools think that Gpdr does not apply to them?

I would just point out to her that if she is expecting any support through university, or expecting to stay living at home and not having a job to pay her portion of the bills then you need to be involved in her planning for her future- if there is no plan for her future let her know she needs to start flat and job hunting instead of the parents evening, and that her car insurance is cancelled.
Letting her think she is an adult and funding her own life will leave you excluded and exploited- you need to bring the reality of the situation to her notice right away.

I must admit that GDPR didn't even cross my mind when DD was at school. It would have been irrelevant as a) she was happy for us to attend parents evening with her and b) she didn't turn 18 until after she left school.

Just checked - GDPR didn't become law until a month before DD sat her A levels.

DD still shares exam results and other education stuff with us at 25. She messaged yesterday with her results from her January exams for her masters.

I’d warn her that she’ll miss out on leaving home to study unless she achieves her A levels. Her friends will no longer be around and this is such a short period of her life.
Contact her sixth form tutor and ask for support with the parents evening. There’s a good chance they’ll ask her to leave if she doesn't look like she’ll pass, they don’t mess about.
I would let her suffer consequences; if she can’t fund her own car she shouldn’t have one.

Email her head of year and explain the situation. Make it clear you are interested and supportive but she will not engage with you on attending. Ask the HoY to speak with her and her subject tutors and let you know if there are any issues. Make it clear she has put you in this position. Also she may be 18 but she’s living under your roof so needs to cop onto herself. I had same issue with year 12 options evening and I just turned up. I knew there was no way so. Would embarrass himself by kicking off there!

If OP lets the head of year know that the daughter has withdrawn her permission for her to receive information about her, that's really not going to help OP.

Well there is your answer. She books meetings for you to meet with her teachers because you wish to check her attendance and grades are improving… if she pushes back with the ‘I am an adult blah blah blah… tell her that as an adult she can pay her own car insurance!!
I would be telling her that as long as you’re supporting her financially and she’s living rent free, you have every right to check up on her progress at college and ensure you’re not just supporting her to doss about & then ‘drop out!’
Honestly though, if she’s treating you like shite I’d be giving her a months notice of cancelling your payment of her car insurance !

@18yearoldhell Yes, this.

But nothing to stop a concerned parent making an appointment with the Head or HoD another time. Would be far more private and useful than a meeting on PE.

But as others have said, the registration usually signs some of this away as part of terms of enrollment on limited grounds eg sharing academic info (not health or personal care for 18 year olds)

OP I really feel for you. I actually went through a similar period re: pulling away myself when I was 18 but at uni., and came back for a holiday. My bf came to stay for a few days and my parents behaved like it was a massive imposition. Obviously as an adult they felt uncomfortable with some random in their house, but I remember how upsetting and depressed I felt about the fact that this was my home too and I was an adult but my “partner” was being made to feel unwelcome.
i bet they don’t even remember this now but it was a massive rupture on our relationship and contributed to me not coming home for many of the other holidays while I was away - it felt like it wasn’t my home anymore. A massive massive overreaction on my part ot course, but I’m just sharing how it felt. So you do have to tread carefully and aim for collaboration. I disagree with some of the very firm financial punishment suggestions but withdrawing from her laundry, cooking etc might be a gentle way to push back.
It’s a very very tricky age to navigate. A child suddenly needs to be treated very very differently but doesn’t always behave in a way that makes it easy for you to treat them like an adult because they are so immature.
In this case I would email the form tutor and ask if there were any concerns and whether you would be entitled to a short bit of email feedback from each tutor about chances of target grades being met in the summer.

This or something similar.

Her refusal may be just ‘I’m an adult now’ sort of thing or she’s been bunking off/not handing work in.

If only they’d had parents evenings for one of ours at Uni.

One way or another you need to be in touch with them.

If pupils were under 18 when they signed the registration it would be invalid though.

If the student is over 18 and had specifically said they didn't want the school to discuss them they couldn't give out information so a meeting would be a bit pointless.

It would be incredibly embarrassing for her if you were the only parent there.

While this is true, in the case OP's daughter is living at home and dependent, so she either plays by rules of parents and school or she finds a flat and lives by her own rules and becomes financially independent! She cannot have it both ways
There have to be some boundaries.
I once apologised to my own children and said "I know you think I was strict". They laughed and said I wasn't. They knew the rules. There were boundaries and I didn't bounce from being lenient to grounding them so they knew where they stood. IMO, that's what we all need!

It's easy to make those kind of statements, but what happens if your child actually takes you up on it and moves out, and becomes estranged. How does that benefit anyone? It might work with some children, but surely you can see that not everyone has the same personality as your children. With some being considered too controlling could easily backfire.

I was also living at home when I was at university and was very much a 'dependant' as my mum cooked my meals etc. I had a part time job to pay for clothes and nights out but that was it. It was very much the case that my family paid for everything else so I am not sure it is much different. Just a thought, not being argumentative. I am not entirely sure how I would feel if it was my kid as the lines are a bit blurred!

That won't be the case though.