Sister says my husband and I are selfish for wanting a child in our 40s

[MyTaupeSwan]

I’m 40 this year and my husband is 42 We have a son who just turned 4 and started school in September, and now we feel ready for another child. We left things quite late in terms of having kids we’ve been together 18 years, and in that time we’ve had a lot of fun, traveled, and done everything we could while we had the chance and without too many worries.

Now that we’ve finally settled down, we got married 9 years ago. We were one of those couples that were engaged for a few years not because we didn’t want to get married or weren’t sure, but because we wanted to experience other things before having a wedding. We did couples counseling to make sure we were a good match, both for parenting and for marriage. I was worried about repeating my mum’s mistakes, so I did individual counselling as well.

We’ve always wanted children, but we wanted to have our freedom and experiences first, because having a child is such a big commitment. We’ve faced a lot of judgment, mainly from my family, but we feel ready now. I think we’re great parents even though it’s only been four years, the journey has just begun. Our son is the light of our lives, and we really enjoy being parents.

I’m glad we got to do all the things we wanted before having children, but I do feel judged sometimes. My mum thinks I was selfish for not having kids in my late 20s. I’ve told her that we’ve been trying recently and struggling, but she doesn’t really offer support just says I’m old and should have done it when I was “more fertile.”

My husband and I have had a lot of conversations about this. We’ve decided that if trying naturally doesn’t work, we’ll try a few rounds of IVF, and if that doesn’t succeed, we’ll continue living our lives. We’re lucky to have our son, and he is incredibly loved.

Is 40 too late and are we being selfish.
Seeing my brothers and sister with all their children and their children having siblings, I want that for our son. Maybe I should have spent my 20s having children and we wouldn’t have this issue

There are no guarantees when having a child. They may be born disabled. May. You may die within the next few years. May. I had a baby at 40 and did it again at 45. They are currently in our front room chatting to each other about a game they like to play on Roblox. They are now 9 and 13. The are both healthy lively children and what they are guaranteed is that they are loved and wanted by both me and my dh, their father. We are both healthy and I’m 55 and dh is 51. We love each other deeply and our children get to see a healthy, respectful relationship. Life is a gamble.

Hmmm. I'm torn on this op. You had your fun and gallivanting in your 20s and 30s before settling down to start a family at 36/38.

Assuming you fall on straight away, by the time your youngest gets to their mid-20s they're going to have parents aged 65/67. One of my parents was very robust at that age (and still is at 79) but the other had massive health issues that ended up requiring a LOT of support and headspace and significant resentment about expectations of provisions of care and management.

By the time they get to mid 30s they're going to have elderly parents with potentially significant health/care/headspace requirements.

I think being AI might be a bigger impediment than your age.

Of course it would have been better to have had your kids 10 years or so ago. Ageing eggs and even more so, ageing sperm, is always a risk. You are not exactly ancient to have kids the age you are now but as you are struggling to conceive it might take a few more years and then you are reaching a point where it gets a little trickier to say it's fine. If it takes another 3-4 years then the risk of disabilities is even greater. You might not regret it now, but you might regret waiting if things don't go to plan.

I'm guessing your sister is saying you are selfish because you could have had your children when the risk to their health was smaller. Doesn't mean you should have had your kids in your 20s, nor does it mean that this won't work out perfectly fine. Advance maternal and paterrnal age is a risk, but most babies are both without disabilities after all.

It’s no one else’s business
I have a friend who didn’t meet her dh until she was in her late 30s. She had her first at 40 and second at 42.

Perfectly average age for children. This isn’t the 50s anymore where women married the first man they dated, had babies and didn’t live their lives first.

Ignore your sister and you do you.

Though.i understand your thought process on it, surely you must have known that fertility severely decreases at 40. And also if you did get pregnant are you prepared for the fact that your age puts the baby at more risk of disabilities. I know lots of women have children in their 40's and they're absolutely fine but it's still a risk to be weighed up

Why wouldn't a second baby be a sibling for their son? A five year age gap is hardly outlandish and I can assure you it's as much a sibling relationship as any other, with many positives. This is a really weird take.

I had my DC at 37 and 40. Both planned, both by traditional methods! It sounds like you and your DH spent your 30s in a similar way to us @MyTaupeSwan. I wasn’t the oldest mother at the school gate either time. I didn’t ask my DSis’s opinion, but she got married young and had her first baby at 24, so you can see we have very different outlooks on this!
Just be prepared that you might well become emotionally (and financially) invested in this, and not end up with a healthy baby.

My one other word of older-mum experience. I’m 55. My peers are beginning to retire. I have a 14 yo and a 17 yo who both want to go to uni. No chance of early retirement!

I’m an only child of an older mother.

If what is important to you is giving your child a sibling, then yes you’ve left it a bit late and those reasons are selfish I guess.
Being an only child was/still is a bit rubbish for me but some people love it.
Also, as has been pointed out, my mum started suffering with her health (Alzheimer’s) and needing me to get involved with care when I was relatively young and had primary age children of my own causing immense stress and sadness.

You’re not doing anything wrong though and are not even that old but I just thought I’d offer a different perspective.

There's nothing wrong with being selfish and thinking of your own best interests. I assume you've weighed up all the pros and cons etc of being a slightly older parent. It's none of your sister's business. Do you get a vote on when she has a child etc.

Pretty much everyone who has a child does it for selfish reasons, to be fair.
But, OP, it's none of your sister's business, so her opinion is irrelevant.

Your body, your kids, your marriage, your choice.

Tell her to keep her nose out of your business!

YANBU to have a baby in your 40s. That’s normal.

But… I can see why your family might raise an eyebrow at you complaining about fertility issues if you’ve been with your partner 18 years and just left it v late.

Saying that - I know several couples in very similar situations who kicked the can down the road until that point too!

It’s up to you when or if you have children…im sure you know that….as long as you have weighed up everything ….personally not for me….when I was 40 I had 3 teens ….and my life was my own not long after …,.but you likely did all your fun stuff the other way round….certainly no right or wrong

No its fine. But get a move on.

I mean it's none of their business and you're not unreasonable to decide when you want children . But YABU to think you'd be able to just have a baby at 40 with ease and being surprised it hasn't turned out that way. You've also increased the chances of the baby having a disability. I guess it's a little selfish but it's not like you had a kid at 20 and dumped it becuase you'd rather go travelling.

Don’t take criticism from someone you wouldn’t go to for advice OP!

Your mum thinks you were selfish? This same mum who made mistakes that meant you went to counselling so that you could avoid doing the same?

Average where?

Also all this talk about travelling and living lives… I thought having children was the best thing ever etc. ?

Agree 40 is not average age, it is as late as many people are able to go. In such a long term relationship, it’s really pushing it and IVF could have been avoidable 5-10 years earlier.

My mum was 34 when she had me. My dad 40.

I definitely perceived them as being older parents when I was a kid. And I was a bit embarrassed. Mainly my dad.

I'm now 36 and my dad has been dead for 5 years. My mum is coming up 71 and she has mobility issues. She can't run around with her grandkids.

However, nothing in life is guaranteed. Some parents drop dead in their thirties leaving behind small children.

My mum had me at me at 25 and died at 56. She was old when I was a teen.

My friend had her daughter at 47 and we both now have 8 yr olds so she's almost as old as my mum was when she died but she is like a young and trendy mum at the school gates who also has a lucrative and well established career and a lifetime of travel memories before having kids.

I fall somewhere in the middle and honestly my 20s were incredible I wouldn't have given the freedom of them up for anything. True freedom with no dependants. Once you have your children they become the focus and rightly so. I was determined not to have kids until they could be the centre of everything and almost didn't end up having any due to fertility issues I knew about right from teenage years

Op live your life how you want, if you have secondary infertility you will get through it, enjoy your life and your son and those regrets, remember you don't know how things would have planned out with different choices, we were together over a decade when we had our eldest and 6 years before even trying for the first time. I genuineky think we parent so well, with 1 SEN child and another who seems neurotypical, because we had so long getting to know each other and investing in each other before moving into being parents. I wouldn't change it.

The title says your sister says your selfish, but the post is about your mum saying that. Are they both saying it?

Either way, ignore them, it's none of their business.

I couldn’t help picking up on the “we’ll try a few rounds of IVF”. If that is your plan, make sure you’ve got many thousands of ££ spare, and indefinite resilience. IVF nearly destroyed me.