Sister says my husband and I are selfish for wanting a child in our 40s

[MyTaupeSwan]

I’m 40 this year and my husband is 42 We have a son who just turned 4 and started school in September, and now we feel ready for another child. We left things quite late in terms of having kids we’ve been together 18 years, and in that time we’ve had a lot of fun, traveled, and done everything we could while we had the chance and without too many worries.

Now that we’ve finally settled down, we got married 9 years ago. We were one of those couples that were engaged for a few years not because we didn’t want to get married or weren’t sure, but because we wanted to experience other things before having a wedding. We did couples counseling to make sure we were a good match, both for parenting and for marriage. I was worried about repeating my mum’s mistakes, so I did individual counselling as well.

We’ve always wanted children, but we wanted to have our freedom and experiences first, because having a child is such a big commitment. We’ve faced a lot of judgment, mainly from my family, but we feel ready now. I think we’re great parents even though it’s only been four years, the journey has just begun. Our son is the light of our lives, and we really enjoy being parents.

I’m glad we got to do all the things we wanted before having children, but I do feel judged sometimes. My mum thinks I was selfish for not having kids in my late 20s. I’ve told her that we’ve been trying recently and struggling, but she doesn’t really offer support just says I’m old and should have done it when I was “more fertile.”

My husband and I have had a lot of conversations about this. We’ve decided that if trying naturally doesn’t work, we’ll try a few rounds of IVF, and if that doesn’t succeed, we’ll continue living our lives. We’re lucky to have our son, and he is incredibly loved.

Is 40 too late and are we being selfish.
Seeing my brothers and sister with all their children and their children having siblings, I want that for our son. Maybe I should have spent my 20s having children and we wouldn’t have this issue

We did couples counseling to make sure we were a good match, both for parenting and for marriage

Oh boy ...

My grandmother had my mother at 44 and lived into her 90s. My mum (now in her 80s) is the youngest of 4 children spread over 12 years, this wasn’t unusual at the time. She had her 3 in her early 30s and I, her eldest, had my two in my late 30s. Where I live, becoming parents/ adding to families in late 30s and early 40s is the norm. I haven’t had IVF, but understand it is gruelling and time consuming, so if you need that you might need to start the ball rolling soon. Look at longevity in both your families, perhaps, if you are worried about leaving a young family, and ensure plans are in place if the worst did happen while your children are young.

. I’ve told her that we’ve been trying recently and struggling, but she doesn’t really offer support just says I’m old and should have done it when I was “more fertile.”

If I've read your OP correctly then you've been with your DH since you were 22 and had a whale of a time and now feel at 40 it's time for a second child. I'm absolutely not judging your choices, but I'd be the same as your Mum, probably - 'sorry you aren't falling pregnant at 40 but if you wanted more than one child surely you thought about this?'

I had DC and would have liked another one after last baby at 37. I had 4 miscarriages between 40 and 42/43 and then didn't fall pregnant after that. I appreciate the family I have. It's not always possible to postpone childbearing sadly and that's the risk you take.

There will be plenty of people to tell you that 40 isn't too old to have another - and it's not - plenty of people do have DC in their 40s. But there are also plenty of us that couldn't either conceive or carry a child at that age.

YANBU to want another child.

YWBU to wait until your late 30s to start when you met so young. Fertility isn’t subjective; you must have known you’d have more struggles in your late 30s/40s than in your late 20s.

What a load of nonsense. I'm in my mid 50's and run 4 times a week, run a business, have 2 teens, lift weights, cook from scratch, blah blah blah, and feel absolutely fine.

All of the above was partly because I had my kids late and WANT to be energetic. My DM is in her 80's and is a fit as a flea. Managed to fall over when running backwards (being daft) and didn't break a hip. Her best friend was still skiing at 84. She was out today with her friend who is 88 and they went for a long walk then lunch. Honestly not everyone sinks south with grace.

Use it or lose it.

Crack on OP, but get some trainers!

What’s wrong with couples counselling ?

In regards to my own personal counselling sessions , I had a very odd upbringing or not really an upbringing, attended boarding school full time from when I was 8-18 then went to university. I have pretty much not really experienced living with my parents. It was the best choice for them I see why they did it but also part of me struggled with it but also felt abandoned, my sister did counselling for them same reason. My brothers it’s a bit different but they struggled with abandonment too. We all attended boarding school which years down the line gave us great opportunities but also hardly ever saw our parents, we had nanny’s etc.

None of your mother’s never mind.
None of your sister’s never mind.

They can either be happy for you and be supportive, or they can try to drag you down with their negativity - that you can totally leave up to them.
You can remain silent, or if their behaviour gets too bad, spell it out for them.

Their attitudes and actions and choices of behaviour will reflect directly on how directly or indirectly (or perhaps not-at-all) they’ll be involved with your pregnancy and your new baby.
Their choice.

You can spell it out to them or say nothing.
That’s your choice.

I wish you the very best with your fertility treatments and future pregnancy.
Sending love from across an ocean ❤️

Don't think about IVF now, you may conceive naturally fairly easily, especially if you don't put pressure on yourselves. Just see how it goes. I've known people who have had two children when they were 40-42 with no problem conceiving. Presumably you are still having periods.

The whole thing would be much easier if you were 30-32 but you're not. It's having a young outlook that counts. Keep yourself as fit and well as possible.

This is nobody's business but your own, ignore others.

Good luck.

If that's what you want go for it nobody knows but you how it would impact your life. If you feel you are up for it then I hope you have one soon. I'm quite optimistic in life everything happens for a reason as long as you and your partner are happy anybody else's opinion shouldn't matter

Nothing to do with her

I think it was a bit daft to leave it this late given the increased risk of complications.

But what's done is done.

It’s obviously up to you, however the chance of having a baby with disabilities is much higher at your age. If you are ok with that increased risk crack on.

@LBFseBrom You’re right, of course. Unless they needed IVF to conceive their first child, they may not need it this time. Not everyone does in their early 40’s.

Absolutely not, you sound like a family that any child would be lucky to have.

I hope you succeed with having a naturally conceived child. Whatever the outcome your child/ren will be well loved I'm sure.

Some pretty offensive attitudes here. Women have had babies in their 40s throughout history.

My own grandmother was 40 having her last two kids. She’s 97 now and has had time to watch all of her grandchildren grow to adult hood, including those from the children she had at 40.

Yes, there is a small increase in the risk of issues but decline in egg quality is much more likely to result in a miscarriage than a living but disabled baby.

I know a mum who had her last child at 40 who is now a teenager. Three older ones as well. She cycles ten miles to and from work every day, is highly intelligent, advocates for her kids and I’m sure will outlast me.

My dad had me at what is now quite a normal age (32) and he died last year when I was less than 40. Mainly because his lifestyle was horrendous. So the only caveat I’d make is make sure you do what you can to keep fit and healthy. But that applies to parents of any age. Plenty of younger mums doing sweet FA to be around for longer.

Well it’s frankly none of their business. I’m sure you’re aware of the risks and will be entering with your eyes wide open. It’s becoming more and more common to have children at your age so I wouldn’t sweat it. I had my youngest child at 27 and I’m definitely one of the youngest mums, some look 15 years older than me.

Kids don’t want to hear about schools in Senegal, they want energetic playful parents who can give them a nice life and ideally siblings to play with.

You’re so busy looking to this amazing adult life that you hope he will follow in your footsteps, that you’re overlooking the things he needs as a kid. He won’t really care about any of the stuff you mention until he’s much older and by then you’ll be much older.

You can’t think of anything worse than having a baby in your 40s? That’s quite remarkable.

I had a child later because of not meeting my partner and building a stable career later. If we have a second I’ll be 40. All its peers will also have parents my age so they’ll hardly stand out.

I am 39 and have tons of energy to play with my toddler. Maybe cos I didn’t spend my 20a chasing kids around. I really don’t feel any different to how I did in my 20s.

I was a surprise pregnancy at 40. My Mum's second, my Dad's first. I can't see it applying in your case, but the only downsides were they were old fashioned in their views around women's rights and lacked in supporting/pushing me in my education. My Mum was amazing, when she retired from work and worked voluntarily until her late 70s. She was doing childcare for me in her early 80s. We have good genetics. I was done with children at 30. Although I'm my DD's childcare at nearly 60. We aren't all as decrepit as is depicted on here.

Agreed. My granny had her oldest at 35 and her youngest (my mum) at 40. Mum is now 80 and was 35 when I was born. My dad was older and up until I was about 40 myself both parents were reasonably healthy. It’s fine!

But you’re not in your 20s.

I can only talk as the mother of a teenager at 50
It’s very mentally draining and that’s without any special needs or physical disabilities
But you might have more energy than me

What? Yes I know. I’m saying I still have the same energy levels as I did then. Pertaining to hour point about children wanting ‘playful energetic parents.’