Sister says my husband and I are selfish for wanting a child in our 40s

[MyTaupeSwan]

I’m 40 this year and my husband is 42 We have a son who just turned 4 and started school in September, and now we feel ready for another child. We left things quite late in terms of having kids we’ve been together 18 years, and in that time we’ve had a lot of fun, traveled, and done everything we could while we had the chance and without too many worries.

Now that we’ve finally settled down, we got married 9 years ago. We were one of those couples that were engaged for a few years not because we didn’t want to get married or weren’t sure, but because we wanted to experience other things before having a wedding. We did couples counseling to make sure we were a good match, both for parenting and for marriage. I was worried about repeating my mum’s mistakes, so I did individual counselling as well.

We’ve always wanted children, but we wanted to have our freedom and experiences first, because having a child is such a big commitment. We’ve faced a lot of judgment, mainly from my family, but we feel ready now. I think we’re great parents even though it’s only been four years, the journey has just begun. Our son is the light of our lives, and we really enjoy being parents.

I’m glad we got to do all the things we wanted before having children, but I do feel judged sometimes. My mum thinks I was selfish for not having kids in my late 20s. I’ve told her that we’ve been trying recently and struggling, but she doesn’t really offer support just says I’m old and should have done it when I was “more fertile.”

My husband and I have had a lot of conversations about this. We’ve decided that if trying naturally doesn’t work, we’ll try a few rounds of IVF, and if that doesn’t succeed, we’ll continue living our lives. We’re lucky to have our son, and he is incredibly loved.

Is 40 too late and are we being selfish.
Seeing my brothers and sister with all their children and their children having siblings, I want that for our son. Maybe I should have spent my 20s having children and we wouldn’t have this issue

So? At 30 something I would expect you to be energetic. Come back when you’re menopausal, you may well feel differently.

Don’t be ridiculous, you can’t compare a woman in her early 40s conceiving naturally to a 58 year old using donor eggs, stupid comment.

Exactly. Literally tens of thousands of women give birth at 40+ every year. No one bats an eyelid. The OP is written in such a way as to suggest it’s the most rare and outrageous thing one can do.

I had plenty of energy until I turned 45. Felt as I became old all of a sudden. Couldn't possibly do it all over again (teen boys). But I think OP has finances to hire help with cleaning/childcare etc which would make a real difference.

Ignore her, OP, she's a bigoted prat, and very probably jealous of the life you have lived.

If you are both fit, healthy and fertile, you'll be fine. I had my ds at 45, and have raised him myself. It hasn't caused any issues. My Ds is a happy well balanced teen with 10 good gcses and on track to read engineering. No issues so far. Maturity can be a very useful trait in a mum. Much more stable, confident,.resilient and resourceful.

Your dsis doesn't get a say. It's up to you and your dh. If you are happy to try for baby 2, , nothing anyone else thinks or says is relevant. Good luck xx

Honestly having a baby in your 40s is becoming more and more "normal". I think it is all about the couple, I could think of nothing worse than having another baby in my 40s but that's because I had my children I my late teens /early 20s. I am on the cusp of being able to travel again (we still travelled with the DC but it's very different)

In terms of everyone pointing outvthe risk of your DC being young when you die. One of my friends Dad was in his 50s when he was born. We are nearly 40 and his Dad is still alive. My parents were late 20s when I was born and my Dad died 10 years ago. Nothing is guaranteed.

If I did have children now I would put some things in place like wills and plans for the children if we both died or became unable to look after them.

I don't know why you're having such a hard time on here?

Having counselling is a healthy approach it ensures your raising children in a healthy environment and are a healthy person if more people did this we'd have better people in society.

My mum had me at 35 and she was considered old, 40 isn't old it's more of the norm tbh

You’re not making sense. I am almost 40, like the OP. How long do children want to ‘play’ with their parents? How do you know I’m not already menopausal?

I manage a full time job and a toddler which is a damn sight more than many younger mums I know.

We’ve decided that if trying naturally doesn’t work....

If you really want another child, don't wait too long to decide it's not working. Your chances of using your own eggs for IVF will diminish rapidly the longer you wait and you don't sound like a couple who makes decisions quickly. Your window might close while you're busy weighing up the pros and cons.

On a surface level, you don't sound like you particularly want another child. It sounds like you could take it or leave it. That's an unusual starting point.

I can't see that it's selfish trying to conceive at 40, just more likely to have some difficulties. Conception is less likely to happen quickly and there's a greater risk of disabilities because of the age of your eggs. Having conceived your first child swiftly at 35 won't be a guarantee of it happening the same way at 40. But if you want to, go for it. None of your sister's business.

This!! I had my twins at 39 after 5 rounds of IVF

please don’t underestimate IVF, it’s brutal, unforgiving, will take your relationship to the limits - and that’s if it works

you are 100% not selfish, Jesus you’re only 40, absolutely no reason why it can’t happen naturally

@LBFseBrom

I knew a woman who had a tumor at age 50, in her ovaries or vagina or somewhere (lol the location escapes me) and her doctor told her to ignore it.
So she ignored it until she gave birth to my closest friend.
Everybody was ecstatic but my friend’s mum was shocked - she was under the impression .that she’d gone through menopause years before that.
She and her daughter were very close and loved each other until she died.
But imagine your tumor being a 10lb baby girl!
That was the 50s, and we all relied on the same country doctor in our small farming town in rural California.
We’re much better now - and smarter, thanks to modern medicine.

Ok, but that’s your experience, not universal. Loads of people also say they’d be knackered having kids at the age I did (36) but I’ve found it absolutely fine. We’re all different.

So what? 50 seems a fairly reasonable age to lose a parent.

It’s a really personal decision. Would I do it personally? No. The increased risks would be enough to stop me, the impact that would have on the child that is already here, for me that wouldn’t be worth the risk but people do it.

I also wouldn’t want to still be doing the school run in my 50’s!

No your not selfish. Never mind what your mum and sister think. I think your mad because it's not something I would do (mine were 23 & 11 at aged 40) but selfish... no.

You’ll always be their baby, so it doesn’t matter if you’re 15 or 50.

My brother is older than me and he couldn’t handle our mum’s funeral - I don’t think age matters much when somebody loses a parent.

It’s devastating to most people..

Why do you think young mums don't have jobs/careers? Blimey. Being a young mother is a lot more work.

Having kids in your 40s is up to you not your family . Do think it’s strange that you seem to think you can’t enjoy your life and do exciting things with children . ( your reasoning for having children late ).

I wouldn’t have said no to considering ttc at 40 if I’d had my first at 36, for sure. But I had my first at 20 so for me I was done by then. I don’t think it’s your sister (or your mum’s) place to comment.

And to the poster who said you’d die when they were 50? I’d think 50 years with a parent was a pretty decent innings. One of my dc’s friends has just lost their mum at the age of 13, now that is a tragedy.

It’s no one else’s business. Stop discussing your reproductive plans with her.

Your family are frustrated with you because you prioritised other things over a family and now it’s coming back to bite you. IVF would be very intrusive in to your family life and poses health risks to you, as does pregnancy with advanced maternal age. Yes lots of people have babies at 40 but not as many as would like to have them. I think you need to own your choices. You’ve made life harder for yourselves. I hope the experiences and the faffing around was worth it.

I am literally talking about younger mothers that I know who say to me ‘I don’t know how you manage to work full time, I couldn’t do it.’

I know most mums work as well.

Why is being a younger mother A LOT more work??

Or may not! I'm mid 50's and had the menopause.

I'm shocked at how low energy some people on here are. The more I do, the more energy I have. Happily I'm not sinking towards the grave, but putting on my trainers and enjoying my life.

Because you’re having to establish yourself in higher education and your career/job. I don’t get what’s so hard about working with a toddler in your 30s, that’s the norm for most people.