Sister says my husband and I are selfish for wanting a child in our 40s

[MyTaupeSwan]

I’m 40 this year and my husband is 42 We have a son who just turned 4 and started school in September, and now we feel ready for another child. We left things quite late in terms of having kids we’ve been together 18 years, and in that time we’ve had a lot of fun, traveled, and done everything we could while we had the chance and without too many worries.

Now that we’ve finally settled down, we got married 9 years ago. We were one of those couples that were engaged for a few years not because we didn’t want to get married or weren’t sure, but because we wanted to experience other things before having a wedding. We did couples counseling to make sure we were a good match, both for parenting and for marriage. I was worried about repeating my mum’s mistakes, so I did individual counselling as well.

We’ve always wanted children, but we wanted to have our freedom and experiences first, because having a child is such a big commitment. We’ve faced a lot of judgment, mainly from my family, but we feel ready now. I think we’re great parents even though it’s only been four years, the journey has just begun. Our son is the light of our lives, and we really enjoy being parents.

I’m glad we got to do all the things we wanted before having children, but I do feel judged sometimes. My mum thinks I was selfish for not having kids in my late 20s. I’ve told her that we’ve been trying recently and struggling, but she doesn’t really offer support just says I’m old and should have done it when I was “more fertile.”

My husband and I have had a lot of conversations about this. We’ve decided that if trying naturally doesn’t work, we’ll try a few rounds of IVF, and if that doesn’t succeed, we’ll continue living our lives. We’re lucky to have our son, and he is incredibly loved.

Is 40 too late and are we being selfish.
Seeing my brothers and sister with all their children and their children having siblings, I want that for our son. Maybe I should have spent my 20s having children and we wouldn’t have this issue

Absolutely fine to not want to provide any childcare for grandchildren but the assumption that adult children should then be there "when you are elderly and need extra care from them" is a bit rich!

I don't think it's selfish but a bit misguided and naive about how hard things will be in 10 years, possibly. It's probably difficult for your mum to have a lot of sympathy when you were in a good position to have a child earlier but chose not to because of travel etc. The struggle is very much self inflicted.

She’s being extremely narrow minded imo.
Is it jealousy?
Does she have children (plural), and not want you having two?

There's a generation famed for this kind of attitude. I suspect a lot of current grandparents will be shocked at the lack of elderly care.

I don't actually like my mil that much and she can be a passive aggressive busy body. But she does help out when she can (albeit with plenty of passive aggressive remarks chucked in) so I'll be more than happy to be there for her elderly care as much as I possibly can.

I learned something new today. Elderly is now 45-50. 😂

I also don’t think the death rate for a 58 year old is that high.

Come on, I think your exaggeration to make a point is slightly comical.

I think the only time it is selfish to have a baby is when you have no desire or ability to care for it.

I guess people who say it is selfish to have a baby at 40 is because they think there is a greater chance that you might die before the child is 18 but realistically very few people die in their 40s or 50s.

Tell your sister to mind her own fucking business.

Just stick with 1 child OP. Yes it’s selfish. The stats regarding biology are not in yours or the unborn baby’s favour. Surely you know that?

There's no right way to do it. But people like to think there is and judge people who they think aren't doing it the 'right' way. If anything I think it shows they aren't confident in their own choices. You sound like you have a happy set up and want to welcome another child and have the resources both financially and emotionally to do so. So what if they think you are a bit on the old side when they are a teen--they are going to hold something against you when they are a teen so if you are following that logic you can't have kids at any age!!

I do want another child, I regret not having children earlier and I also want another child so my son can have a sibling is that a silly reason ? I feel as thought two things can be true at the same time.

I know IVF might not work but it’s also another option.

I don’t mean to come off blunt or blasé I didn’t want to put every detail of my thoughts on this topic

I would never say it to you, because it's not my business, but you asked, so ...
Yes, I do think having children that late in life is selfish. My parents were v early 20s when I was born, my Nan was 40. I feel so so lucky to still have parents who are fit and young and healthy, and grandparents who have met my kids and know them. It's worth more than money for sure, and I think a lot that I didn't have kids until my 30s, so they will never have what I did. I do think 40 is far too old.

As an only child of older parents I never understand the logic of having one child and then not having any more because you’re “too old”.

You were already “old”, so the choice is whether you have one child who has cope when you’re elderly alone or you have more that can support each other. The ship has sailed so you might as well have another one if you want. (And I don’t think you’re too old!)

Do you have the money for IVF? Will that money mean your son misses out because the money you have saved is spent on your attempt to have another child?
Do you work? Will you cope mentally going through IVF, looking after a young child and then it possibly failing? Will you be able to fully be there for your current child?

You’re absolutely fine. I had my second at 42 with a 14 year gap. It’s absolutely none of your sister’s business. Good luck!

Oh no, not this again

But your 20s, don't you think they were much more yours than your mums or grandmother's were?

Personally I think having had kids later women are encouraged to have kids earlier so we can't ever reach full financial, educational and personal independence and we stay very controllable.

What a load of rubbish. It will be the norm for this generation. It won't be seen as an unusual situation at all. Most of the mums at my school are older. The ones in the 20s are the odd ones out. People lived a bit first before having kids. You only get one life, you shouldn't have to spend all of it in the servitude of others.

I think having children at any age is selfish. (I had my DS at 41).

People always have children for selfish reasons. Unless people on here genuinely think that they owe it to the world to reproduce and have done so for that reason, contrary to their personal wishes.

Its absolutely fine to have a baby at 40 - tune out the noise and go for it!

That’s also another thing. We’ve had so much time to focus on ourselves and careers that we do have enough money to try IVF, we’ve looked at the costs and we can afford it no issues there. Our son won’t miss out in any money just because we aren’t opposed to IVF.

I do work and my workplace is very good about all things maternity. I had a great experience with my first.

These are all very hypothetical questions making slight assumptions that I wouldn’t be there for my son. We have thought about all these hypothesis, we have only JUST started trying to conceive. We have also thought about adoption and our options there.

Yes I did know but also I would have been a terrible mother in my 20s.

I am open to trying but I know we might not be successful that’s why I’m open to IVF and adoption. My husband and I are both aware of the risks this isn’t something we just decided one night it’s something we have sad down and had discussions about our options.

Although there is a risk of problems at any age the risk of disabilities increases with older parents and this is starting to be recognised as a driver in the rise in SEN. How would you cope with a disabled child?

well your big mistake @MyTaupeSwan is discussing it with anyone other than your dh /doctor. When you are pregnant, announce it. Before that, don’t. And given how your family has been, wait until after you’ve had a scan to announce, they don’t sound very supportive.

if they say anything else do a vague “we’ve decided what will be will be, not avoiding getting pregnant, less likely this age. Would be nice for DS to have a sibling but not the end of the world if it doesn’t happen.” They won’t be people to lean on for support when having ivf etc. don’t invite opinions.

Well having known a few people who have gone through IVF to get there one (and only) child I am just wondering if you were aware of the implications. One person I know quit work because of the stress of it all, and were reliant on their husbands income (they got the baby but then divorced a year later). Another friend was in their final round having had NHS treatment before going private and spending thousands (a grandparent gave them the money for one last go which they were thankful for as they got their little boy).
I just think emotionally whether it would take a lot out of you and you won't be enjoying time with you son as you are so focused on giving him a sibling (which he may not be interested in). A friend has a 5 year gap with her boys and finds it really hard in the school holidays as they are not into the same things due to the gap - things are too old for the youngest or too young for the eldest. It sounds like you think they will be missing out by not having a sibling, but they might not be fussed about them if they did get one.