Sister says my husband and I are selfish for wanting a child in our 40s

[MyTaupeSwan]

I’m 40 this year and my husband is 42 We have a son who just turned 4 and started school in September, and now we feel ready for another child. We left things quite late in terms of having kids we’ve been together 18 years, and in that time we’ve had a lot of fun, traveled, and done everything we could while we had the chance and without too many worries.

Now that we’ve finally settled down, we got married 9 years ago. We were one of those couples that were engaged for a few years not because we didn’t want to get married or weren’t sure, but because we wanted to experience other things before having a wedding. We did couples counseling to make sure we were a good match, both for parenting and for marriage. I was worried about repeating my mum’s mistakes, so I did individual counselling as well.

We’ve always wanted children, but we wanted to have our freedom and experiences first, because having a child is such a big commitment. We’ve faced a lot of judgment, mainly from my family, but we feel ready now. I think we’re great parents even though it’s only been four years, the journey has just begun. Our son is the light of our lives, and we really enjoy being parents.

I’m glad we got to do all the things we wanted before having children, but I do feel judged sometimes. My mum thinks I was selfish for not having kids in my late 20s. I’ve told her that we’ve been trying recently and struggling, but she doesn’t really offer support just says I’m old and should have done it when I was “more fertile.”

My husband and I have had a lot of conversations about this. We’ve decided that if trying naturally doesn’t work, we’ll try a few rounds of IVF, and if that doesn’t succeed, we’ll continue living our lives. We’re lucky to have our son, and he is incredibly loved.

Is 40 too late and are we being selfish.
Seeing my brothers and sister with all their children and their children having siblings, I want that for our son. Maybe I should have spent my 20s having children and we wouldn’t have this issue

Unfortunately once you bare your soul on Mums Net you then have to answer very invasive questions that go off on a tangent and put up with everyone's opinion , either good or bad. I will just add - you do you, whatever makes you and your family happy.

Where is the exaggeration in stating the fact that the later in life you have a child, the higher the risk you will die before they are financially independent? The risk of death increases with age. Having a child at 40 instead of 20 doesn’t increase average expected lifespan from 78 to 98. Fact.

It is just maths. It’s not predicting lives or lifespans.
It’s not saying don’t have kids later in life.

It’s just science that having children on your 40s instead of your 20s means your child will on average will be 20 years younger when you die than if you’d had them in your twenties. This increases the chances of your child having to juggle elder care and child care as a middle aged adult. That’s demographics.

Your risk of dying in childbirth also increases the older you are when you get pregnant. That’s not an exaggeration either. It’s just science.

I have no feelings on the matter. I do not give a shit when people have kids or if they have kids. This is just maths that waiting 20 years until your 40s to have kids cannot delay aging or death and that’s a natural consequence of waiting which people who want kids should be informed about when they choose to wait.

It’s the flip side of the benefits of waiting which other posters have pointed out. Older parents are on average more financially secure. They often are retired when their children are teenagers, making them more available for practical and emotional support.

You seem to only have feelings about any consequences of waiting that are not positive.

All of life choices have consequences that are both positive and negative. It would be dishonest to only give the positives.

You are not selfish. Research actually shows that a five year age gap is beneficial for siblings (parents have had time to recover from the baby phase, mother has physically recovered, dedicated time with each child, older sibling is able to understand and take on a caring role rather than competing). I had my daughter at 34, so was pregnant at 33. That didn't feel too late as we'd been married for a decade, had careers at a point where we could take time off or switch to lower hours, and had our own home - our baby was planned and we'd fully prepared for it. If we decided to have a second one I'd have waited until my daughter was at school, and would be about 40. It's very normal in this area for parents to be older, and generally the older parents do have the luxury of financial security, career stability etc. which only benefits the child.

Everyone seems to be focusing on what YOU want, and telling you to go for it, when maybe considering the childs needs should be the consideration.I had my daughter at 17 and was able to play on the floor,chase her around,and pick up from the floor without my back going. Nothing was any problem because I was young.This is not so easy so much later in life,if you are really honest,as I found out at grandmother age. Its not just you to consider and the age difference between the children would make "playmates" impossible.

So what. I've seen some young mothers be utterly c*#!p disengaged mothers, and brilliant mums who had children later.

None of anyone's business anyway.

Please don't call yourself old because youre 40, that's simply rude to other people.

If that's your perception frankly that's your problem, you're the one imagining all these problems.

If you want the baby, have it. Otherwise just don't bother but don't make out others are old mothers, this is just misogyny talking (and sadly some other women have jumped on the bandwagon).

40 isn’t too old. Who cares about other people’s opinions. As long as you love and provide for your children then I don’t see the problem

You’re 39 you’re not old you could have a fair few years left yet to have children. Nobody gets to have an opinion it’s your life and it sounds like you’ve done exactly what you wanted and enjoyed it. You’re not selfish at all, I hope you fall pregnant soon x

She doesn't have "a fair few years left" at 39. Average age of menopause is 51 and you stop being able to deliver a healthy baby about ten years before menopause. The majority of people are done at 41. Many of the women everyone knows bouncing around pregnant at 43, 44, 45 etc. are using donor eggs via IVF and being coy about it - which is understandable when you consider that the first person to know that they were conceived via donor should be the child themselves, not the neighborhood. Yes, some will be able to get pregnant at 43-plus, but almost all cannot, which is why you can't have own-egg IVF past 43. The secret donor-users are making people think they have more time than they do.

The OP can probably still get pregnant at 39 and in the first half of being 40, but don't tell her that she has more time than she well might.

I say the first half of being 40 because a few months makes a huge difference at that age.

OP, since you're only 39 right now, you'll probably be OK, but I really wouldn't delay it much longer if I were you.

Op it sounds to me like you have very carefully considered this and even more so than usual I think you are in a better situation to make this decision than anyone else let alone some randoms on the internet.

By the way I had kids in my 40s and thankfully it was fine. I do wish I had kids younger but that's just not what happened. Having said that like you I don't think I'd have been an equally good parent if I had kids in my 20s or early 30s. If you are happy to take the (slightly) increased risk of pregnancy, birth and genetic complications then I'd say go for it.

The biggest problem at the moment is that I'm a typical sandwich generation parent. Elderly parents that need a lot of care and kids too young to leave them alone to help out my parents.

These kind of posts always seem to lead to quite passionate responses as people see it as a personal attack on their own choices. Some of the responses have been downright rude though and a few, plain old nasty.

All I would say is that you can't predict the future. You sound very loving and committed as a mum and will no doubt make a lovely parent to another child. My dh was 42 when we had our youngest and no one batted an eyelid. Yes of course he didn't have to go though a pregnancy but he is an older parent and that's just how it worked out for him.

I'm 39 and would not pursue another pregnancy at this age. However my life has followed a very different path to yours. I had my first at 29 and last at 34. Several women in my family have developed chronic health conditions aged 40 and I knew I wanted to complete my family before then and I was in a privileged position to be able to do so.

40 is old from a child bearing point of view. People might not like hearing it and just because the trend in the West is towards women having children in their late 30s or early 40s does not change that. There are risks you are well aware of and you and your dh have put a lot more thought into this than most people before trying to conceive. I wish you the best of luck.

I had my children in my 20’s, 30’s & my youngest when both my husband & I were 40. I wouldn’t change a thing.
Follow your heart!

Yiu are definitely not selfish, nor are you too old. I had my first when I was 35 (IVF) and my 2nd at almost 40, but I’m no old biddy! I waited til I had a semblance of financial stability and maturity and there’s nothing selfish about that. Im sure your DS would love a sibling and you have done a lot to place yourselves in a good position (had travel and fun) to be fab parents. Good luck x. Ps my mum
had my youngest sibling when mum was 45. They have a very good relationship.

You could argue that having children at any age is selfish because you are doing it for you and because you want to.

In regards to the sister judgement, I think it’s non of her business, and quite unkind.

You do what’s best for you OP ignore the judgement.

It wasn't that long ago that babies continued to "happen to" women as long as ovulation was occurring, and they'd little choice but to roll with it. My GM on one side had last baby at 47, and GM on the other side had last baby at 49. 40 is not old.

If you remove emotion and think about it logically then choosing to have a child at any age could be regarded as selfish on the basis that no one NEEDS a child, it’s just what we want.

In the context you are discussing your family have absolutely no say in the matter and should really learn to keep quiet as their opinion is irrelevant. Many people are having children later in their lives for many reasons. In part for life experiences (as you have explored), for others stability and financial security. Whatever you choose to do is fine. Ignore your family and best of luck with trying for baby number two who I am sure will be loved immensely and well cared for.

I feel very worried for children and young people. Look at the state of the world: Global warming speeding ahead and irreversible, which will cause far greater migration and wars for resources than we're currently seeing. As seas rise, the British coastline will be flooded, including London. Thousands of nuclear weapons powerful enough to wipe out half a country each, in the hands of Trump, Putin, Kim, Netanyahu etc. AI is predicted to take 20% of jobs in the near future, and the founder of AI says that there's a fairly substantial risk (10 to 20 percent I think) that it will exterminate humanity, possibly in the next few years. This all sounds like science fiction, but it is our reality now. I think it's selfish to bring a child into this, yes. You've had great lives so far. Any child you have will not be so happy, even if you throw money at them.

But let’s be clear that that is the reality for any child. Not specific to OP. Are you suggesting that everyone stops having children?

It's a decision for every adult who is capable of and wants to have a child. On these frequent discussions on Mumsnet, there is very rarely any real consideration for the welfare of the child. I think that is the first and most important thing to consider. There is absolutely no way that I would choose to try to have a child now (if I was in my 20s or 30s). Despite loving babies and children. My daughter (currently not in a relationship) would like to have a child. That is her decision, but I hope that, when it comes to it, she decides not to. And I would love the experience of having a grandchild. If she does have a child, she will just be pushing the decision not to have children on to the next generation. And God knows that generation will already have a hell of a lot to deal with.

@PuceGreen- I have heard this argument a lot from people who already have children and are past the stage of having any more dcs themselves.

If your dd was born in the 90s or later, then global warming was a widely known issue at the point you decided to have a baby. Environmental concerns and population concerns are not new issues. You may have become more aware of them, but if you were interesting in thinking about the sort of world you were bringing a child into, you could easily have thought about this yourself.

Often what seems to happen is people who have the need for a child ignore that and the risks until after they’ve had a family and then claim that now they wouldn’t bring a child into this world.

(I’m old enough to remember hearing all about there being far too many people in the world in the 80s, the world couldn’t cope, certainly too many in the west and the only moral thing to do was to not have children if you lived in 1st world countries.)

You really shouldn’t be surprised that people feeling the biological drive to have children are ignoring similar messages to the ones you ignored when you were young and starting a family.

I don’t think you’re selfish at all!! My sister is 31 her partners 27 and ideally she would have a kid but he’s absolutely nowhere near ready so definitely going to be more towards mid to late 30’s they are planning a 2028 marriage and want to sell their flat and move and do holidays etc before the commit to kids. There’s actually nothing wrong with that at all. I had my DD at 21 and I got scrutinised for that so it works either way. I’ll be 39 when she’s officially an adult and can relax a bit. Had I not had her at 21 I’d definitely have done the same as you xx

I think there are two issues here. One is that you are letting people who are nothing to do with it have an input on your behalf - even on here. It's absolutely nothing to do with anyone else.

The second issue is that you mention adoption if you can't conceive. I think you need to be really aware of how difficult that can be nowadays.

I agree that I should have done some research at that stage, and I blame myself for not doing so. But it's ridiculous to suggest that the world (and our understanding of the world) then was as it is now. We now have the creation and astonishingly fast and dangerous development of AI (the founder of AI dedicates his time to giving talks on how incredibly dangerous it is), the US gone rogue, the re-emergence of Russia as a very dangerous world power, a dangerous rise in violent Islamic fundamentalism, and a very clear scientific consensus on the cause and effects of global warming, which is speeding ahead far more quickly that was expected even recently. It's also become increasingly clear that 1) it is now too late to halt very serious global warming, and 2) almost nobody has any intention of trying to do very much about it - in fact I'd say that Trump is very much doing the opposite. All of this and more is now free for everyone to look up online on their home laptop or phone (I personally didn't have the internet when my children were born and it was much less of a thing than it is now). I remember starting to get the seriousness of global warming to some degree when my children were at primary school. I tried talking about it on Mumsnet, and everyone, and I mean everyone, shot me down.
And in fact that's all by the by, isn't it? This is about children being born now, and about the OP considering having a child. The OP's child will suffer through her decision. Maybe that's something the OP may want to consider.

But OP has already done it and is fine with doing it again. Whatever you would feel about it for yourself is irrelevant. In addition, my own mother was 43 when I was born so 61 when I was 18. She was far more interesting than my friend's Mums because she had seen a lot and knew a lot more than theirs !

Let them judge. What you decide to do or not do with your own uterus couldn't be less of anyone else's business.