Sister says my husband and I are selfish for wanting a child in our 40s

[MyTaupeSwan]

I’m 40 this year and my husband is 42 We have a son who just turned 4 and started school in September, and now we feel ready for another child. We left things quite late in terms of having kids we’ve been together 18 years, and in that time we’ve had a lot of fun, traveled, and done everything we could while we had the chance and without too many worries.

Now that we’ve finally settled down, we got married 9 years ago. We were one of those couples that were engaged for a few years not because we didn’t want to get married or weren’t sure, but because we wanted to experience other things before having a wedding. We did couples counseling to make sure we were a good match, both for parenting and for marriage. I was worried about repeating my mum’s mistakes, so I did individual counselling as well.

We’ve always wanted children, but we wanted to have our freedom and experiences first, because having a child is such a big commitment. We’ve faced a lot of judgment, mainly from my family, but we feel ready now. I think we’re great parents even though it’s only been four years, the journey has just begun. Our son is the light of our lives, and we really enjoy being parents.

I’m glad we got to do all the things we wanted before having children, but I do feel judged sometimes. My mum thinks I was selfish for not having kids in my late 20s. I’ve told her that we’ve been trying recently and struggling, but she doesn’t really offer support just says I’m old and should have done it when I was “more fertile.”

My husband and I have had a lot of conversations about this. We’ve decided that if trying naturally doesn’t work, we’ll try a few rounds of IVF, and if that doesn’t succeed, we’ll continue living our lives. We’re lucky to have our son, and he is incredibly loved.

Is 40 too late and are we being selfish.
Seeing my brothers and sister with all their children and their children having siblings, I want that for our son. Maybe I should have spent my 20s having children and we wouldn’t have this issue

We were very similar to you. Together 18 years before deciding to have children. Both were conceived very quickly, two years apart and my only regret was maybe not starting a fraction earlier as we would have had three.

Your son will be at least 5 before he has any sibling. That's a big enough age gap that they won't want to do the same things. Of course they might still be close, but don't fool yourself that you are having a sibling for him.
I do agree with this though. They won't ever be at the same stages until they are adults. That's not a reason not to have a large gap but you need to be aware of that.

Why would it have had to be your 20's? Nowadays women are more likely to start in their 30's. I was 36 when I had my first and only. And even mine and my DH age pushed it as my little one is having to go through assessment for autism and he's non verbal at 3 and a half. My nan had 12 children. The three she had at 40+ all have a disability of some kind. I'd hoped being mid to late 30's wasn't that much of a risk but as you can see unfortunately it was for me. I hope if you do manage to conceive that you get a healthy happy little one 😊

Why have you waited 4 years to have a 2nd?

I think it would have been better if you’d only waited a couple of years.
If you struggle to conceive then you’ll be even older.
You really don’t want a big age gap between them.

If you didn’t have a child then I’d spend more time considering it but that horse has bolted and so you might as well.

I think it would be fairer to your child to have a sibling too.
You’re going to be in your 60s by the time they’re at uni, you likely won’t be around to help with grandchildren etc and your kids obviously won’t have your parents around for too long either.

I think having that support from a sibling is so important (I have an only child and it’s something I regret), especially when you have elderly parents.

Its not just being a child/teen.
Its going to uni, getting married, having kids, going through abusive relationships, losing your job, going through a divorce etc - things that you need support from family and I think having a sibling can be really beneficial.

That’s your take - personally I can’t think of anything worse than having babies in my 20s. And in many circles the OP wouldn’t be considered an old parent. When I was growing up, it was more of an embarrassment to have very young parents (especially if they consequently didn’t have much of a career to speak of). Parents in their 40s and 50s who are health-conscious and look after themselves are perfectly capable of keeping up with their children.

FWIW I had my kids in my 30s so I don’t think I’m just being defensive.

I was 41 and 43 when I had my sons and they are fine and healthy lads. But MN just hates older mums so I expect you’ll get some grief….

I live in SW London a lot of my mum friends are in their 40s with children same age as my son. A close friend of mine from university had her first at 38 and now just gave birth to her second child at 40.

Maybe it’s where I live so I might have a different view but I understand the reproductive systems. We might have an easy time conceiving we’ve only really just started trying, with our son we tried and it happened we had no issues, he’s happy and healthy.

I have lived a healthy life, never smoked, no drugs, exercise, cycle everywhere during the summer, I have a watt bike in the house that I go on every single morning without fail before my husband or my son wakes up. Despite all this I do understand that nature can take its course but I have lived life to the best and healthiest that I can and I love having a young child (even at my old age) I think it’s kept me younger running after him, going to the park, teaching him to cycle, he’s not missing out on much just because I’m 40 I’m still doing the same things young mums do with their children. I do hope my son doesn’t resent me for being ‘old’

Your kid will be 50 when you die. Don’t be daft 🤷‍♀️

It’s none of my business but you asked, so here’s my answer.

Yes I think it’s selfish to gamble your child having a parent die much younger, or them having a higher odds of disability, or their likelihood of a sibling, or their opportunity to have grandparent help when they have children, or just older parents in general (most kids wouldn’t choose this) because you wanted to spend years and years enjoying yourself.

I’m not saying rush into settling the moment you can. But 18 years of dicking around enjoying yourself and shoehorning in a baby at the end? Why not have 10 years enjoying yourself and then a baby?

I know a lot of people who have done this and they all end up panicking about their age. Not initially as they ‘feel young’ but usually when they’re 60 something with school aged kids and go through a health scare, or realise they may well not see their child marry/have children of their own.

It’s your life though, you’ll just have to own what you have decided.

Mumsnet tends to skew towards older mums, or at least 30+

Lots more anger directed to young women for wasting their life and settling etc.

However, I will say I don’t understand the “I’d never want to have a child in my 20s/40s, cant think of anything worse” sentiment from anyone. If you love being a parent and love your children, then I don’t understand what is so bad about having them earlier or later? Might not be ideal but do people really feel this strongly?

Anti-young parents are basically admitting their lives are now limited and suck / anti-older parents are admiring they are decrepit and knackered at 40-50.

If everyone started having donor egg babies at 58 tomorrow, it would be normal, but still not healthy or optimal.

It just isn’t what nature intended for someone to have a first baby at 42, that’s why the miscarriage rate it much higher as are the odds of disability and caesarean section.

It’s definitely possible, but we can’t skirt around the risks and drawbacks because of feelings.

I don’t think that 40 is too late to have another child if you’re both healthy and have plans in place for anything unexpected happening while your children are still young, for example, having life insurance, talking to family/friends about whom would be their guardians, etc. All rather grim but best to be prepared.

My Mum unfortunately died in her 60’s after developing a chronic disease in her 40’s so I’m aware that we should never assume that we’ll be hale and hearty for decades. But many, many people are.

I agree.

It’s ridiculous, if having a baby isn’t enjoyable or fun why do it at all? So many posters say ‘OMG I wouldn’t have wanted to change nappies at 28, no thanks, ugh’ - ok but if it’s that awful why have a baby later on?

My mum and dad had me when they were both aged 40, due to fertility problems and miscarriages (they tried for a baby from age 29 and in 11 years managed two live births - mine and my brother).

Will you kids resent your age? I can’t see why in the long term. I resented my mum during my teen years for all sorts of reasons including briefly resenting her age and general uncoolness because I was a teen. After that I have only ever been proud of her. She worked hard to “stay young” and keep fit. She was a wonderful, energetic, wise, funny, independent lady who died age 84 when my own kids were still young. I valued the time we all had together and I never found her age actually impacted anything in my childhood.

Loads round us had dc in their forties. It’s fine.

“Might try a few round is IVF” is a very strange way of thinking. You will not qualify for NHS treatment as you already have a child and it’s very expensive for no guaranteed positive outcome (mentally, physically and financially). Can you afford to wave goodbye to £40k or so?

I wouldn’t say we were “dicking around” those years spent were great, quite productive, we helped build a school in west Africa, we’ve helped 4 kids go to university in the uk from Senegal and Gambia, we’ve done great things. I wouldn’t change the experiences we’ve had I think it’s made us great parents so far to our son and I hope when he’s a little bit older he takes an interest in travelling. We have enough saved up for him for his gap year after Alevels if he does decide to travel. I don’t know many 18 year olds who wouldn’t want to travel. So far it’s over £20k for travelling we want him to have any and every opportunity that he takes an interest in.

We have a great support system for him, his godparents are in their late 30s which I guess is “old” now to be godparents. He will be well taken care of if something does happen to his dad and I we’ve thought through things. It would be a shame to lose parents at a young age but he won’t be alone.

I have valued the experiences that I’ve had, they’ve made me a better person, better mother even and I wouldn’t change the experiences but I also would have liked to have had children two things can be true at the same time in my situation.

If you're so sure why the maybe sentence at the end of your OP @MyTaupeSwan ? Plenty of people do what you've done. You clearly talked about it. Don't start doubting yourself now.

Best of luck op. Ignore any stupid comments like the ones you've got both in real life and here.

I have a bigger age gap than that with one of my siblings and they’re the one I’m most close to. We reminisce about our shared childhood, despite never being at school together. We had great holidays together and I remember it all. I don’t think the age gap really matters, I’m friends with people +/- 15yrs and we have a lot of common interests.

I’m in my 40s now and in my close friendship group at least half only have one parent and three have none. All their parents were young when they had them, so I don’t think age is necessarily an indicator, but obviously on a population scale it’s more likely if you’re older your more likely to die sooner!

I wouldn’t say it’s selfish, no. However there is a middle ground between your 20s and your 40s. Starting a bit earlier in your 30s would have given you more time to play with but it’s okay if you didn’t feel ready.

We are aware that it would be private, we were never planning to use the nhs for IVF as we wouldn’t qualify, we’ve done our research. This isn’t something that we’ve just come out with, we have discussed our options in detail together. The post may have come across as somewhat blunt I didn’t want to make a long winded post regarding everything my husband and I have discussed.

I don't understand how anyone thinks someone having a child when they're ready to is "selfish".

I note the comments along the lines of "It is selfish as your children will still be young when you are old and are needing extra care from them" but OP hasn't said that this is an expectation - that their children will take care of them. It's selfish to assume that they will, but OP hasn't.

For those who're saying it's possible that OP/her husband will die before the children are financially independent is also silly. Yes it's possible. But it's equally possible any of us could die tomorrow. Or in 5 years, or 10 years or live to be 100.

Having a baby in your early 40s isn't that uncommon, many women are still fertile then. And most people live beyond their 60s. The likelihood both parents would die before their youngest grows up is very remote. But life is full of potential risks uand none of us know what is to come.

Do what feels right for you - the second child may not materialise, but if you at least try, your regrets will be fewer. If your mother's opinion bothers you though, maybe examine why that is.

It doesn't really matter what your sister or anyone on Mumsnet thinks.

Would I do it? No, because my parents were 22 and 24 when they had me and I have felt very grateful for that through my life and especially so now that my friends with much older parents are going through parents who are undeniably Old and mine are still in good health (not that there are any guarantees!). But it's not my life, it's yours, and as long as you're happy with your choice I don't think it's anyone else's business.

Ive seen so many threads about people telling 40yo that they are selfish for wanting kids. Life happens and everyone can't have rhe perfect opporunity to have their perfevt family at 23. Nothing in guaranteed. People die of all ages. Genetics are a bitch. Other people don't get a vote. She can decide not to help you out but that's all she can do. Yes, i understand odds but there are so so so many variables at every situstion. Us with old parents are just fine. I liked having old parents. They were settled, calm, had money and resources, knew what they were doing. There are some that have suffered but so are some with younger parents as well. Do what is best for you.