Sister says my husband and I are selfish for wanting a child in our 40s

[MyTaupeSwan]

I’m 40 this year and my husband is 42 We have a son who just turned 4 and started school in September, and now we feel ready for another child. We left things quite late in terms of having kids we’ve been together 18 years, and in that time we’ve had a lot of fun, traveled, and done everything we could while we had the chance and without too many worries.

Now that we’ve finally settled down, we got married 9 years ago. We were one of those couples that were engaged for a few years not because we didn’t want to get married or weren’t sure, but because we wanted to experience other things before having a wedding. We did couples counseling to make sure we were a good match, both for parenting and for marriage. I was worried about repeating my mum’s mistakes, so I did individual counselling as well.

We’ve always wanted children, but we wanted to have our freedom and experiences first, because having a child is such a big commitment. We’ve faced a lot of judgment, mainly from my family, but we feel ready now. I think we’re great parents even though it’s only been four years, the journey has just begun. Our son is the light of our lives, and we really enjoy being parents.

I’m glad we got to do all the things we wanted before having children, but I do feel judged sometimes. My mum thinks I was selfish for not having kids in my late 20s. I’ve told her that we’ve been trying recently and struggling, but she doesn’t really offer support just says I’m old and should have done it when I was “more fertile.”

My husband and I have had a lot of conversations about this. We’ve decided that if trying naturally doesn’t work, we’ll try a few rounds of IVF, and if that doesn’t succeed, we’ll continue living our lives. We’re lucky to have our son, and he is incredibly loved.

Is 40 too late and are we being selfish.
Seeing my brothers and sister with all their children and their children having siblings, I want that for our son. Maybe I should have spent my 20s having children and we wouldn’t have this issue

And your sister gets a vote why?

Tell her to mind her own business.

Why so many people think they have an input into other people's reproductive choices is beyond me!

Bit of a weird post, many couples have babies at your age and beyond and a quick google would tell you this. Your family are not wrong that it would have been easier when you were younger and neither are you wrong to have waited. Good luck to you, hope you conceive and have a lovely second baby.

No, its not selfish and for anyone chipping in with unsolicited opinions - tell them to mind their own business, and don’t share your plans with them in future.

As for your sister, maybe offer her the unsolicited opinion that she wasted the best years of her life bringing up kids when she could’ve been having a good time. Seems she’s very keen on passing judgments.

I have a DS who was born when I was 40 and a DD who I had at 43. So obviously I’m not going to say it’s selfish.

That said, I think you’re blasé about IVF, to be honest. It also perhaps isn’t clear from your posts but do you want another child or to give your existing one a sibling?

40 isn’t too old, it might be more difficult but you have a plan and you should just do what’s best for you, your DH and your son! I have a 4 year age gap and it’s the best, the older child is easier to look after alongside a baby as a little more self sufficient but still young enough that they’re thick as thieves two years on!

Good luck with your journey to DC2!

Well it may be harder to conceive and obviously increased risk of disabilities etc, but that decision is not for your sister or mother to make, but you and your DH. They need to mind their own business.

Having children is inherently selfish at any age.

For me, the main issue in having children as an older mum is how old you will be when they are 18. You are already thinking about multiple rounds of IVF - if they are needed, then you could be pushing 60 by the time the child is 18. The risk of health issues or just simply loss of energy is much greater than it would be at a younger age.

Also be clear about why you want the child. Your son will be at least 5 before he has any sibling. That's a big enough age gap that they won't want to do the same things. Of course they might still be close, but don't fool yourself that you are having a sibling for him.

She might be worried as the risk of a disabled child is increased when having babies in your 40s. Not to mention you’ll be hitting your 60s when they turn 18, you might have the energy now but when your 50s hit things dramatically change.

Your family give their opinions very decidedly for so irrelevant people!

Honestly I think you should’ve done it when you were younger. I can’t think of anything worse than having a baby in my 40’s. I know people with parents who did and they do hold a bit of resentment, it’s not nice having really old parents when you’re in your teens and over.

How did you reach that conclusion from what she said?

It’s just a guess hence the word “might”

Yeah, the world would be so much better if they just didn’t exist <sigh> because no teen ever resents their parents for anything, do they?

There is so much ageist nonsense on here and it works both ways; I’ve seen some horrible comments about young parents too (and ‘young’ on here can mean 28 or something so we aren’t talking teenage mums.!) Have a baby when YOU want to.

But. IVF is absolutely gruelling and costs thousands; it isn’t something you do as a sort of casual ‘oh we’ll give this a go’. It isn’t for the faint hearted.

I don't see anything wrong with the way you are doing things. Even to the point where I suspect this might be a reverse.
It sounds like you are enjoying parenting and if you are able to have another baby that will be great too. I started a family at 30 and sometimes wish I'd travelled more.

They’ve got a young child already so that ship has kind of sailed? It’s not much difference really having a kid at 35/36 vs 40?

OP depending on where you live a 40yo can be a grandma or a first time mum. Where I am in London it’s really common. Life expectancy for a 40yo woman now is 88 with a 1 in 4 chance of living to 96, so it’s not like having a baby as pensioner!

Ignore your sister and your mom.

I am going to against the majority and say yes I think it’s slightly selfish. I am mid 50s and see friends similar age getting health issues. Yes you can get those at any age, but chances are increasing. I also think you need to know you are financially secure for the next 20 years and know you can support a child even with loss of job / ill health.

Your life, your marriage, your kids and your possible future kids …are all your business and your decisions. Everything is just noise, they’re not living your life or paying your bills

I think early 40's is fine, and quite a few parents now have children later in life.
However I think if it takes a while to convince or you start looking at IVF, pushing you to mid 40's then I can begin to see their point and they are only giving you their honest opinion. I think you would need to consider the impact to your own health if you start IVF treatment (physically and mentally) as well the financial impact this would also have (to your existing child). I assume you would have to pay privately if you did go down this route and IVF is not cheap. You could spend thousands and still end up with no child, meaning less money and probably more stress and emotional turmoil. This would be more likely to have a negative impact on the child you already have.

It is a bit selfish because your children will be relatively young when you are elderly and need extra care from them. Your risk of dying before they are financially independent is much higher as well.

But it’s your life, everyone is selfish sometimes and that’s no bad thing. I’ve decided I will not be providing childcare for any future grandchildren for example. Is that selfish of me? A bit. But then I had my children young and so I want my freedom now.

We all only have one life to live and we have to be selfish if we are going to get to live any of it on our own terms.

We were very similar to you albeit we only wanted 1 DC.

DH was 50 and I was 44 when DS was born. We had been together for 20 years before this and like you had travelled the world and had a great time.

We are of course older parents although by no means the exception at our DS’s school. There are at least 6 dads over 50 with Reception aged children and there are more mothers over 40 than under.

When people talk about being in your 60’s with an 18 year old they ignore the fact that you may well have retired a long time before that. You are also likely to be far more solvent during the child raising years than younger parents. It makes things a lot easier. No mortgage, high earnings, flexible jobs etc all make the school years far more comfortable than if you were younger parents.

It’s the best thing we ever did. I wouldn’t change it for the world.

I just got pregnant & had a baby. Didn’t ask anyone!

It's obviously your choice but I do think it is a bit selfish. The risk of having a disabled child is significantly higher and the risk of you and dh dying while your child is a younger age is higher which means there is a higher chance that your current child would have to become the carer for your youngest child. If I knew my chances of having a disabled child was higher I'd want to be around for aslong as possible to be able to take care of them myself which you are unlikely be able to do

God your family sound awful.

I’m literally not far off your age and just had my second (and final). I absolutely wouldn’t wait much longer if I were you but no, you are not being unreasonably having one now. Madness. All my friends my age have young children like me and I wasn’t anywhere near the oldest in my NCT. I think you need to find more mum friends your own age and see it’s so, so common these days. Plus who gave your family a vote over your reproductive choices anyway?