Paying child support for a 22yr old

[Evilstepmum81]

Need some advice about my stepchild, as I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable or not. They are 22, not working (have never worked) but also not on benefits (yet), they didn’t finish school and now say they are too disabled to work and signing on the dole etc is “embarrassing”. They are able to socialize and take care of themselves etc and spend all day on their computer playing games and doing social media stuff so they are not incapacitated or incapable in any way in their day to day life. Their mother also doesn’t work and does claim benefits.

I’ve been on the scene 17 years so have been here a long time and helped or tried to help said child to get the skills needed for independence and self sufficiency. But they refuse to even try as they see their mum doing f all and getting on fine. My husband has continued paying child support even though legally he could have stopped at 18 as they are in uni or anything. It’s been nearly 4 years of extra payments in the hope this young adult gets their act together. They haven’t. And now I think the gravy train should stop and this young adult and their mother not receive child support any more.

My husband is scared of being the bad guy and his ex and child take full advantage of him. He pays them £1200 a month and he now earns a little over £46k so it’s a big chunk, which was agreed during mediation 10 years ago when he earned way more and we didn’t have our kids. He’s never changed the payments or missed any. I can’t grow his balls for him. But am I unreasonable to tell him to make arrangement to stop payments? We have 2 special needs kids ourselves now, I work full time, and could use the child support money to help pay for therapies etc instead of us having to go into debt to pay for these two adults. It’s so hard being a step parent. He’s a great dad and very supportive. And I applaud his commitment to his children. But he’s got to let this adult aged child figure stuff out for themselves now surely?

Jesus. My ex and I give our 20 year old uni son 150 each a month and he has to earn any more that he needs!
Of course you're not being unreasonable.

I can understand wanting to help his child out. My kids are 22 & 24 and I help them out from time to time but handing over that amount of money for adults who refuse to work is insane.

it would be a deal breaker for me.

thats a lot of money. Is for just the one child or spousal maintenance?

I would say to stop it by dropping it down in lumps. If they are relying on it then it gives opportunity to them to make other arrangements.

He's not that adult any favours, they need to get on universal credit or get a job. That's a crazy amount of money, no wonder they don't want to go on universal credit which I think is three hundred a month. Put your foot down, he can deal with the consequences, when does he think this will end if he doesn't say anything. That young adult can volunteer, get a job or go on benefits if they really can't work.. Their mother can help them apply as she's an expert.. ridiculous situation.. He sounds like the dream ex.

That's bonkers. I would give them notice it will be stopping completely in 12 months, and step it down gradually over the last 6 months of that period. Thats more than fair. Then maybe your DH could put some money aside (nowhere near £1200 as it sounds like your own children need some of it) every month for his child and he can then decide when to give them it once they get their life sorted, for example for driving lessons or a car, house deposit etc.

Wow lucky mum hey - being funded to do naff all and clearly not parenting very well either.
if he stops paying what’s the worst that could happen? Does she visit you much or stay over?
my DD started university last September, her dad stopped paying the minute she left sixth form and hasn’t contributed anything at all since. He earned a similar amount and I only got £290 a month.
hes a mug and this madness needs to stop now

Do they actually have a disability or have they just made it up to avoid working?

Yes I would stop. Maybe give 6 weeks notice as I think it can take 4-5 weeks to get the first UC payment. They will either need to start job searching or get a GP to sign them off if they are too disabled to work. Do they receive PIP do you know?

Are special needs involved, especially as you have 2 DC with him with special needs?

He’s bank rolling them mum doubt the 22year old gets there hands on £1200

Our own dc are disabled due to birth related issues. His adult child has no formally diagnosed disabilities other than “anxiety and depression” and are on Prozac but says they are unable to work as it’s “too stressful” and “they didn’t ask to be born” so therefore they don’t think they have to stress themselves out and work like an actual adult. Their mum says they aren’t entitled to PIP. She herself claims UC though but I’m not entirely sure what else, she is active, smoker, social etc and doesn’t have any outward signs of an inability to work. They just don’t HAVE to as they get the child support (which is purely child support and not spousal maintenance.) In all honesty I cannot talk to my husband about any of this as it riles me up that this adult child and his ex feel so entitled and we have to foot the bill and he doesn’t have the balls to stop funding them. I’m not sure if it’s a deal breaker for me but it’s certainly a huge stressor for me.

He’s paying £14k a year for a 22 year old!!! That’s madness.

I would sit him down and tell him that he has other dc to support. That if he doesn’t take steps to sort this, then you will. You will leave him, take your shared dc and put in a claim with CMS.

I doubt he will able to claim that a £1200 monthly payment for a non dependent adult child should be taken into account when calculating support for his dependent dc. This payment is now a choice, not a requirement.

Tell him that he is a good man but his son will never learn independence if he keeps throwing money at him.

This is insane. Your poor actual children!

That’s clearly ridiculous. I’d ask him why is he paying child maintenance for an adult who has never even bothered to get a job and isn’t making an effort to.
Surely this is your household income! I would have brought this up years ago

So bank rolling his ex isn’t a deal breaker. What would be?

Tell him either it stops you will expect him to find £1200 per child you have together.

also, he is ENABLING their lifestyle.

Scum behaviour sitting on their arses doing sod all while they are given money from you h. Now why don't they want to work or do something productive with hteir lives like get a job, any job ? Wait a momemt Muggins Evil will pay them.
FFS, so angry on your behalf OP I really am.

Blimey! CHILD support to a 22 year old man.

OP youre a mug to put up with this. Maybe ask him if he will pay you £2.4k/pm when you leave him?

This would be a deal breaker for me. It's completely unreasonable for him to pay what must be nearly 30% of his wages to another adult when he has kids who deserve more support now.

You need to sit down with him and make it make sense. His 22yr old just sounds lazy but why would they work is someone is giving them that amount every month.

On uc if limited capacity for work might get about 600 to 800 a month. He needs to cut the allowance and make the adult claim uc go thru process etc

The 22 year old needs to claim uc
Do the necessary assessments
They might get given support for cv writing etc or job coach.

This is batshit insane.

He's actively preventing his child from becoming a useful adult.

Suggest you threaten to leave him and tell him you expect £2400 per month.

Stop the payments and give the "child" the address of the job centre.

No wonder they're not working- they're getting over a grand a month for sitting and doing eff all. There is no incentive to work.
£1,200 is observed.

Does he feel guilty about leaving the ex? Or if she left him, does he feel guilty about the issues that led her to leaving him?

The men I know who have been excessively generous to an ex all had guilt, it wasn’t because they are simply nice people.

I do think that child maintenance shouldn’t stop at 18, many resident parents are supporting children in various ways (even if just a roof over their heads) for while longer, but definitely not to that extent.

What does he say if you ask him when it will end?