Paying child support for a 22yr old

[Evilstepmum81]

Need some advice about my stepchild, as I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable or not. They are 22, not working (have never worked) but also not on benefits (yet), they didn’t finish school and now say they are too disabled to work and signing on the dole etc is “embarrassing”. They are able to socialize and take care of themselves etc and spend all day on their computer playing games and doing social media stuff so they are not incapacitated or incapable in any way in their day to day life. Their mother also doesn’t work and does claim benefits.

I’ve been on the scene 17 years so have been here a long time and helped or tried to help said child to get the skills needed for independence and self sufficiency. But they refuse to even try as they see their mum doing f all and getting on fine. My husband has continued paying child support even though legally he could have stopped at 18 as they are in uni or anything. It’s been nearly 4 years of extra payments in the hope this young adult gets their act together. They haven’t. And now I think the gravy train should stop and this young adult and their mother not receive child support any more.

My husband is scared of being the bad guy and his ex and child take full advantage of him. He pays them £1200 a month and he now earns a little over £46k so it’s a big chunk, which was agreed during mediation 10 years ago when he earned way more and we didn’t have our kids. He’s never changed the payments or missed any. I can’t grow his balls for him. But am I unreasonable to tell him to make arrangement to stop payments? We have 2 special needs kids ourselves now, I work full time, and could use the child support money to help pay for therapies etc instead of us having to go into debt to pay for these two adults. It’s so hard being a step parent. He’s a great dad and very supportive. And I applaud his commitment to his children. But he’s got to let this adult aged child figure stuff out for themselves now surely?

What is your DHs long term plan?

As in does he expect to still be financially supporting his son until his death? If he is getting that much per month, your husband won't be able to retire. Are you going to suck that up? It is only going to get into a worse situation if it isn't tackled head on now.

So what IS his exit strategy?

At 22, he absolutely should only be paying any support directly to his son. Mother shouldn't get a penny and shouldnt get access to the money.

At 22 he can claim benefits. So your husband should be finding out how much his son is entitled to and be deducting it from any support he currently gives. By all means give warning of this, but then the rest is up to his son. If he CHOOSES not to do this, this ISN'T your husband's fault or responsibility.

This is more than fair because the two biggest losers from continuing to let the 22 year olds to take the piss, is his younger two siblings and that's why it can't continue.

This isn't leaving the son destitute. It's leaving the son with the responsibility in line with his age to engage with the system.

It absolutely is the sons choice here. Your DH can chose to enable and put his relationship with you (and younger children) at risk or he can start to implement the exit strategy.

He definitely needs to stop enabling these two lazy adults.

Of course YANBU, unfortunately he’s watching his mum do nothing and get away with it, fine let him but stand on his own two feet, the son and his mum are taking your husband for mugs.

Holy fuck! £1200 a month. Just no. Time to stop enabling the lazy fuckers. Jeez.

I had my own child at 22

Do a benefit check OP. With two special needs children, you may be better off caring full time as a single parent and ensuring you maximise any child DLA and carers allowance where you meet the criteria. https://www.entitledto.co.uk

Worth finding out at least. Your DH has a cheek imho saying you can’t afford to reduce your hours when you do most of the care, subsidise this payment to his ex and SC who is now an adult.

Could he easily afford it if you weren’t there? You’d be entitled to 20% of his income also if you split. Not so noble of him to prioritise his first DC at the expense of his current family for so long.

Yes, and I bet your Dad wasn't bankrolling you!!!

Yes, that's absolutely the solution to pointing out people taking the piss in terms of taking in money. What are YOU entitled to OP so you can carry on paying while also accepting tax payers cash.

@RedToothBrush I was thinking the same. Her DH is in his 50’s, he’s not going to be earning forever, so what’s the plan when he retires? He might develop health issues and need to work p-t or retire early- what would happen in that instance?

Whatever happens, the current situation is unsustainable longterm.

I know because I work within the system. There’s nothing wrong with receiving gifts towards your children but they have to be declared to UC via the journal. And the figure is not £16k, it’s £6k - the amount at which UC starts to be affected. There are rules about the amount of cash gifts and how often they are paid - and whether they are spent or count towards the running total of capital amassed on the UC journal.

And PIP has nothing to do with the level of MH care you receive, it’s what’s appropriate to your condition. In the thirteen years since PIP was introduced I’ve only ever had a handful of claimants make successful claims on stand alone anxiety and depression, and they have all been because the claimant has either been sectioned, hospitalised or have made an attempt on their own life. There is a very high bar for stand alone MH claims on PIP and in the main claims for anxiety and depression treated by GP alone don’t meet it.

If he can game all day in his room he can work. The ‘disability’ is self diagnosed and he’s visited his GP for anti depressants. He’s also been turned down for PIP. The ‘child’ is an adult - how do you propose his dad sources assessments and therapy if he won’t even engage with the DWP for a proper assessment of his work capability. It’s a piss take.

Sorry if this has been covered, but what does he think would actually happen if he stopped paying?

You often hear men say they’re scared of rocking the boat, but surely at that age there won’t be any consequences?

@SpainToday I imagine he’s afraid of the backlash from his ex and his child. They can’t actually force him to pay, but they can make his life miserable.

He's got to deal with it though, setting boundaries is part of parenting.

Ok thank you. So you're a pip decision maker for the DWP?

This. Exactly. Taking the absolute piss. Happy for your husband, you and the rest of us tax payers to keep them. Step in and get that payment stopped OP.

Thanks again for all your views on this. It’s very helpful.
I guess I have a hard time understanding how my stepchild can say they can’t possibly work due to not wanting to be stressed out and say they have anxiety yet I have ptsd and am burned out and stressed out too (ok yes through my own life choices to have children but I didn’t expect them to have all the issues they do) and I have to just get on with it and work and they don’t? At the end of the day, why do they get the choice and the rest of us don’t? And yes I know it’s because their dad subs their lifestyle so they do have the luxury of choosing.

I would like to have the same choice. To give my kids the best chance in life to NOT turn out like their older sibling.

but I still feel like I’m unreasonable in a way by saying he has to stop funding his adult child and his ex wife.

its very difficult being stuck in this situation. I don’t want to be all woe is me but it is hard to see how this is going to work out in any positive way as my husband has had 4 years to stop paying and chose not to stop. So now the entitlement is even deeper rooted.

Hopefully I’ll be proven wrong but I don’t think so. And I don’t want to be a single parent but I feel deep down maybe I already am. And that’s terribly sad.

Of course your not being unreasonable. Personally they need to sign on for pension credits anyway. Maybe approach it as drop it equivalent of JSA?

The could work if they wanted to and maybe once the cash cow of dad has gone - thy may decide they can work

I wonder how they can "make his life miserable "?
He can again offer to help his son access some kind of education , training, or work.

He doesn't have to engage at all with his ex-wife.

If his son starts abusing him, he can just hang up or walk away. And eventually go NC for a month/3 months ... until the son gets the message, and starts to do what he should do.

You really aren't being unreasonable in making him stop the payments. Pretty much everyone on this thread agrees that it has to stop.

I really think if he won't agree to stop, then you will need to seriously consider your options ...

@Woodfiresareamazing Yes, I meant that they can nag at him and his child can go NC, which I imagine would be heartbreaking. He can block his ex, of course.

Of course this situation can’t continue, it just sounds as if her DH is afraid of the emotional consequences. Emotions can cause people to behave illogically.

"My husband is scared of being the bad guy"

Then maybe he should consider that by paying this money, he IS being the bad guy? He is locking his son into dependency, infantilising him - causing his son's 'failure to launch'.

He is also the bad guy to his current wife and two younger children, failing to provide financially for his children's needs and putting pressure on you, his wife, on a way that is just not necessary.

He's a coward. A coward who is damaging all of his children through his cowardice.

OP that’s nearly 60k over the last 4 years! This is insane. YANBU stop payments immediately

You sound very understanding in the situation.

If cutting all support is too much, hopefully you can persuade your DH to reduce the support that he is giving so that he can better support you and his other children.

The adult child will never learn to stand on their own two feet whilst he's paying for them to do nothing. It's not even a small amount either.

We can't just go through lige never experiencing stress. It just doesn't work like that. Even if the child genuinely does have a reason not work, they still need to take some responsibility for themselves.

He's been more than generous and now it's time for that to stop. Fair enough to still treat them now and again and give them money for things they might need at times but it needs a to be a fairer split between the first child and the children he had with you (and with consideration to the fact he first child is old enough to be bringing in their own money, whether that's a wage or benefits if they're entitled). The mother also has responsibility to provide for their child too.