Paying child support for a 22yr old

[Evilstepmum81]

Need some advice about my stepchild, as I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable or not. They are 22, not working (have never worked) but also not on benefits (yet), they didn’t finish school and now say they are too disabled to work and signing on the dole etc is “embarrassing”. They are able to socialize and take care of themselves etc and spend all day on their computer playing games and doing social media stuff so they are not incapacitated or incapable in any way in their day to day life. Their mother also doesn’t work and does claim benefits.

I’ve been on the scene 17 years so have been here a long time and helped or tried to help said child to get the skills needed for independence and self sufficiency. But they refuse to even try as they see their mum doing f all and getting on fine. My husband has continued paying child support even though legally he could have stopped at 18 as they are in uni or anything. It’s been nearly 4 years of extra payments in the hope this young adult gets their act together. They haven’t. And now I think the gravy train should stop and this young adult and their mother not receive child support any more.

My husband is scared of being the bad guy and his ex and child take full advantage of him. He pays them £1200 a month and he now earns a little over £46k so it’s a big chunk, which was agreed during mediation 10 years ago when he earned way more and we didn’t have our kids. He’s never changed the payments or missed any. I can’t grow his balls for him. But am I unreasonable to tell him to make arrangement to stop payments? We have 2 special needs kids ourselves now, I work full time, and could use the child support money to help pay for therapies etc instead of us having to go into debt to pay for these two adults. It’s so hard being a step parent. He’s a great dad and very supportive. And I applaud his commitment to his children. But he’s got to let this adult aged child figure stuff out for themselves now surely?

The adult DC needs to sign on to UC and look for jobs. He would do more good by helping DC write a CV and look for a job.

If the money is classed as a gift and not income as long as their savings are not over 6k it’s unlikely to be classed as benefit fraud for people saying report.

There is assisting and then there is spoon feeding a person so they remain like an infant.

Is he paying this to his ex into her account coz surely if she’s claiming UC they are doing checks now and want bank statements , they are not going to believe that she’s getting £1200 a month extra for a 22 year old ! You might find she will want it in cash soon as it’s going to affect her own benefits if it’s going into her account. . It needs to stop and this adult child needs to get into the real world ! The ex must be laughing at your dh.

adding to say sorry I didn’t read pp replies.

OP I think you need to frame it as actually your DP is being a bad dad to step son. While he’s funding him to be at home, Step son doesn’t have to face up to making adult choices. Point out of step son was receiving benefits, his NI contribution would count for that year, every year your DP enables his older child not to work or claim benefits, is another year less on DSS’s contributions and increases the risk he won’t be able to claim a full pension as a pensioner. Because DSS isn’t claiming benefits, he’s not in the system to get help or support to work. Keep saying it’s not that your DP is taking from his dcs with you, you are judging him as a crap dad to DSS by failing to force him to face up to the situation.

OP you have to point out that you HAVE to work full time with 2 disabled children, and because he gives his ex wife so much she doesn't have to work to support her adult son, how is that fair? He's depriving his disabled young children to support his ex wife's lifestyle, your 22 year old son doesn't need child support, he's not a child.

He can give support to his adult son but it is fine to add pre-condition and a timeline of when the support will end.

As someone who has struggled with mental health, anxiety and depression since my teens, and from a single parent household, I have always worked. It can be hard at times but whenever I've had brief periods of unemployment (never longer than a couple of months) in my early 20s after uni I felt aimless, useless and my self worth eroded. What your DSS is being enabled to do, by not working and just playing computer games all day, is detrimental to his mental health and he'll end up in a pit he can never get out of. He obviously has barriers because of his mental health, but they are not insurmountable, but in time they may be if he's in his 40s still living with Mum playing games.

It would be better if your husband put aside that £1200 a month, or some of it to help your son fly the nest. Or at least have some strings attached for the money, so he must be in education, training, work (or even therapy). Basically, son I will be stopping the payments soon, however if you want me to continue payments in the interim, you need to be moving towards independence and then give your DSS some structure of what is going to happen and the preconditions that will be attached to the support going forward. It will help him in the long run. Xx

Good luck OP.

I think you’re being shat on here, @op
This is ridiculous. It needs to end.

This is absolutely wild. I would’ve stopped the day he left school and refused to get a job. Sure leave school but you bet you’ll be working to support yourself. Or choose uni and I’d happily support a little alongside them working a PT job. For me, this would be a deal breaker. Your husband choosing to support his grown son and ex partner all these years later when they don’t get off their arse, instead of using that money to support your joint actual children.. a big nope!

How comes he’s had such a drastic change in salary, if this used to be affordable?

12 months, even that's too generous, drop them a note saying it's stopping in 3 months,

Month 1 - £1200
Month 2 - £600
Month 3 - £300

OP - this is nearly half of his take-home pay!

I agree with those suggesting the amount drops each month to eventually be zero. I also think your DP should put a few hundred each month into savings, which are then available for his son, or your kids, depending on need (not wants, need) in an emergency / big event - like needing a deposit on a rental.

Hi
i confused stepson and stepdaughter and went back to edit but must’ve missed one instance of stepdaughter. I know there is only one child. Not made up just an error on my part.

the rest of the scenario is not me making up something - it’s me jumping to conclusions as to the root cause based on my experience. I should’ve said it was an opinion but I thought that was clear by the fact it came from me, not the OP.
i didn’t have time to go into detail about my situation but I can do…
I lived something very very similar with my husbands family who requested support as if I was a parent or ex-partner. It was quite a traumatic experience as the person “responsible” for providing for them. Once you set up a situation like this it can be difficult to remove yourself from it, especially if they are being mildly manipulative. I am autistic and I feel a huge amount of responsibility and a huge amount of empathy for my in-laws and BIL anf SIL who we’re both quite a bit younger than me. (In-laws had 2 kids as teenage parents one of whom is my husband and then had 2 more kids well into their 40s). I allowed myself to be manipulated into providing money even when I couldn’t afford it and I have learned a lot about myself as a result.

Years later I made another mistake by having the younger BIL live with us. I thought he was lazy just like his mum but then I started to try and piece the problem together. Peopke with very severe ADHD do come across as lazy. Remember that ADHD is on a Spectrum just like autism. We know autistic peopke can be high-functioning and we know they can also be non-speaking. ADHD also has a spectrum. Those with severe ADHD have little to no executive functioning. But they may have good social skills.

i also know neurodiversity is highly hereditary. I also know ADHD-autism is a common marriage dynamic (thinking about the first marriage).

i have used the very little info provided to draw my own conclusions based solely on my experience. I would like to make that clear. It is my opinion.

Haven't RTFT but suspect mine will be a typical response - this is madness.

Not only is he enabling a grown man from ever standing on his own 2 feet, he is taking funds away from his own family who have special needs. He needs to stop this asap. I'd go 600 quid monthly for 3 months and then stop altogether. Gives them a bit of time to sort things out.

That's £57,600 he's given away. Absolute madness. I'd have to walk away.

That is an insane amount of money - at any age.

The mum is already claiming benefits, which, if she doesn’t work, will likely be income related. Child maintenance payments don’t have to be declared to DWP but they normally stop at 16 unless the child remains in full time education. At 22 in these circumstances, it’s not child maintenance any more so if she’s not declaring it, it will likely be considered benefit fraud.

To claim LCWRA element of UC it isn’t just a matter of providing doctors’ notes. Unless there is a relevant PIP claim, or the claimant is terminally ill, they have to report their health condition via the online journal and submit unbroken, ongoing fit notes. They will also need to complete a UC50 capability for work form and undergo a work capability assessment. The DWP will review the result and advise the claimant of the decision - it’s not guaranteed and depends entirely on the assessed fitness to do any work. The LCWRA element is paid after a three month "relevant period" of assessment, starting from when medical evidence was first provided.

The 22 year old is stealing from his siblings and Dad is enabling it.

If s/he alleges disability then why can't they try and go on Pip and UC? The government should be contributing to them at this point, not 'child support'.

But I do understand that parents don't stop giving money to their kids just because they turned 18.

Equally what extra money does the kid need if they sit at home all day online. And presumably mum feeds and houses them.

Your personal situation is literally nothing like the OPs... I am actually baffled how you are even comparing the 2.

So, realistically this could go on until the ‘child’ is 30, 40…….

This has been clarified upthread. They are not eligible for PIP, so presumably have tried to claim and have been refused. It would be extremely difficult to for him to get PIP based on GP treated anxiety and depression - a stand alone MH condition requires input from secondary care, consultant led MH teams to be considered.

If mum is in benefits they may be affected by a claim for UC in the DSS’ own right, and as far as I can see if she’s claiming benefits, as OP says, then not declaring the £1200 per month from her ex is benefit fraud. At 22 the DWP would not consider it disregarded child maintenance payments.

exactly. My personal situation was like the OP’s husband. Caught in a situation being financially responsible for dependents way past what is actually normal or acceptable. Not knowing how to remove myself. I gave some perspective on why I found myself in that position, the mistakes I made, and how my brain needed to understand the dynamic particular to MY situation. Perhaps there is no crossover at all. Perhaps there is a lot of crossover. Who knows? I offer it just in case it gives the OP any avenues to explore. I think the OP is very open-minded and tolerant. She can chose to ignore or not.

Why would he need to work at getting £1200 a month ? If he gets no pip then he doesn’t have a disability.

Yanbu but you also can't force your husband to stop sadly. I would be having very strong words about it and I'd leave if he didn't stop paying or at least greatly reduce it.

Instead of talking about child support and the ex, frame it as a complete failure of parenting. He is enabling his child to make bad choices and limiting their life.

What does he do, as a parent, to get them out of this rut? I know they are an adult but they didn't become like this in a vacuum.

He stops the payments and uses the money to pay for things that will help them. Not what they ask for (so not computer games, for example) but therapy, educational courses, driving lessons. He should also help them with a job search as they clearly don't have the skills and get overwhelmed, they need a patent not a hand out.

I'm 46, have had diagnosed anxiety and depression from age 16, have been on meds for 30 years!! - I have never been out of work, built up my own business! work and purpose is really good therapy for A & D!!

This 22 year old is taking the mick, they need to be kicked into action or they will vegetate their whole fife.

Your DH is on one hand a mug for handing over the money and on the other is actually making the mental health issues worse, because he's enabling the coasting along.