Paying child support for a 22yr old

[Evilstepmum81]

Need some advice about my stepchild, as I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable or not. They are 22, not working (have never worked) but also not on benefits (yet), they didn’t finish school and now say they are too disabled to work and signing on the dole etc is “embarrassing”. They are able to socialize and take care of themselves etc and spend all day on their computer playing games and doing social media stuff so they are not incapacitated or incapable in any way in their day to day life. Their mother also doesn’t work and does claim benefits.

I’ve been on the scene 17 years so have been here a long time and helped or tried to help said child to get the skills needed for independence and self sufficiency. But they refuse to even try as they see their mum doing f all and getting on fine. My husband has continued paying child support even though legally he could have stopped at 18 as they are in uni or anything. It’s been nearly 4 years of extra payments in the hope this young adult gets their act together. They haven’t. And now I think the gravy train should stop and this young adult and their mother not receive child support any more.

My husband is scared of being the bad guy and his ex and child take full advantage of him. He pays them £1200 a month and he now earns a little over £46k so it’s a big chunk, which was agreed during mediation 10 years ago when he earned way more and we didn’t have our kids. He’s never changed the payments or missed any. I can’t grow his balls for him. But am I unreasonable to tell him to make arrangement to stop payments? We have 2 special needs kids ourselves now, I work full time, and could use the child support money to help pay for therapies etc instead of us having to go into debt to pay for these two adults. It’s so hard being a step parent. He’s a great dad and very supportive. And I applaud his commitment to his children. But he’s got to let this adult aged child figure stuff out for themselves now surely?

YANBU
He may fee, he is supporting/doing the best by his son, but he isn't. He is encouraging him to spend all day not doing anything to support or better himself. That isn't the best course of action for his older son, or his younger children. If he was studying in some way, or trying to support himself, and needed something extra then maybe it would be different, but even then the amount is way more than it should be.

If he is not working he needs to make a claim for benefits. My guess is that he doesn't want to because
-dad is bankrolling him
-claiming benefits means that (unless medically he is unable to), he will be expected to apply for jobs, work on his cv etc.

-if he doesn't have any qualifications (you indicated he hadn't finished school) he may be expected to get some form of qualification. Without it, he is unlikely to get a job, unless he can show an employer that he will put some effort in, and is worth taking a chance on. Doesn't sound as if that will happen - he will way down the list in terms of candidates I would pick to employ.

On a side note - is the money that is being received by the son/mother being declared in relation to any benefit that is being claimed - my guess would that it isn't.
As someone else has said, if he isn't claiming, he won't be building up credits towards a pension. However, I doubt that is of concern to the son - he will just expect to be supported anyway.

Lots of people have to claim because circumstances change without warning. Assuming he gives him the money at the end/beginning of the month, I think he should say that the payment at the end of Feb/start of March is the last full payment. The son needs to sign on/put in a claim for benefits. Maybe allow a month at half the amount during the transition until benefit comes through, but after that he is on his own.

However, maybe he could offer support if needed for job hunting, eg new shoes/clothes etc for an interview.

If he feels guilty not supporting him, maybe be could put some money aside into a savings account for him. The son/his mum do not need to know, but it means his Dad has something there if the money is needed for a specific issue eg he gets a job and needs to buy tools etc.

If he does put money aside for his older son, he should also be putting a similar amount aside for his younger children. £100 per child per month would start building up nicely, but would be significantly less than he is paying out now, and would make a massive difference to the lifestyle you are able to give your younger children. £200 per child per month would still only be half what he is paying now, but each child would have £2400 at the end of the year.

Supporting his child as they transition into adulthood is reasonable, but continuing to pay “child” support of £1200 indefinitely while a young adult lounges around is ridiculous.

As others have suggested, a gradual tapering down might be the best approach so that his son has time to apply for and receive any benefits he’s entitled to, and look into training/job opportunities.

I think your DH needs to give a firm timeline so they have an incentive to make the changes. Otherwise he could be in the same situation in 12 months.

bollocks to you as well
not quite sure what else to say as you didn’t actually include any reasoning in your lovely post.

parenting doesn’t end at 18. This person needs help from the father. Whether that is financial, otherwise or both, help is needed.

Tell him you will divorce him and can pay maintenance for your two children at £1800 a month if he doesn't stop. And mean it.

Of course this “child” doesn’t work, they are being handed on a plate the equivalent of a 30 hour a week job for doing nothing other than lamenting being born.
Put your foot down now.
He and the mother are disabling this young person by their actions and enabling them to doss about and waste the life they didn’t ask for but need to live.
youve got your own children to think about.
This needs to end now.

That's a crazy amount to pay on a 46k salary. I earn more than that and couldn't afford to pay than on a mortgage, let alone a lazy ex and lazy son. Cant believe you have put up with this so long.

He is paying 1.2k to the ex for his 1 child, but hasn't got enough to contribute that amount per child for your life together.

He is not being a good dad promiting this lifestyle for them, he is giving them positive reinforcement for their idle ways, while being a totally shit dad to your DC taking money from the family pot he can't afford to give away for a 22 year old. My guess is that he must have some sort of underlying guilt for leaving which is making him go way above and beyond. He needs to get over that, maybe the money be better spent on therapy for him and his son

They need to claim uc. Its a silly situation and he is not doing them any favours longterm.
Plus dont uc pay national insurance credits or something like that . So they wont be getting them whist not working/claiming.
He could just say i will give you 200 a month ontop of uc .

He’s a great dad and very supportive. And I applaud his commitment to his children.

This sentence is not true. He is allowing his younger children to go without much needed therapies so his ADULT child can sit on his ass.

He needs to pull the plug immediately. It's called child support... not lazy adult and ex support.

But you decided to have 2 children with him knowing he had a child before? He has every right to do what he wants for his original child

I honestly think this is a type of abuse. Making it so that an adult child has zero incentive to adult, and actually incentivising their laziness. That’s not good for them, and certainly not doing the right thing by them.

When mine were at 22yo, they were generally finishing up uni. Until that point we ‘financed them’, given they were going to uni by giving them a monthly allowance of travel money and lunch money to the equivalent of what we would have spent on home made lunches. Where I am, it’s very rare to live away for uni unless you come from the country/remote area, otherwise most students live at home while studying. So, we finance bus/tube trip and lunch if they choose not to take stuff from home. We also gave gift cards/vouchers once a year to places they could buy decent brand jeans, tops, jackets, runners, underwear (the essentials). We also paid if laptop for uni died or whatnot, plus had their phones on our phone plans. We thought that fair while they were studying. If they wanted money for other stuff, such as going to the movies, buying extra clothes, buying computer game etc, then they had to get a job to finance such things. Because they were not little children, it was a transition to adulthood, and also recognising they could not work a full time job while attending uni full time.

I imagine if we financed them to the extent of OP’s DH, none of them would have ever got a job. Probably leave uni and sit on their backside, as why would they work for money if they were having it thrown at them for doing nothing? That’s not healthy, so it’s up to us as parents not to facilitate such nonsense.

@PollyBell He's the father of three children so he needs to consider what’s best for all three of them.

Right now, he’s giving his eldest child so much of his salary that he presumably can’t provide for his younger two, he’s relying on the OP to do that. Of course he can still support his eldest, but at 22, they need to be working towards independence, not relying indefinitely on their Dad. It’s not good for them in the long term.

are you a psychiatrist? How on EARTH did you work that out from the post. There is one step child, not a stepson and step daughter. There is a lazy , entitled ex wife.

As a theoretical position, your stance isn't unreasonable but it is not your decision and you shouldn't be involved in making it.

Many 22yos are still financially dependent on their parents so as the SC is not capable of earning a living your DP should definitely be contributing something - because he obviously would be if the relationship hadn't failed. The fact that the SC has reached the age of 22 thinking they don't have to earn a living is poor parenting that your DP is equally responsible for.

If your DP posted asking for advice, I would be advising him to give a long notice period and a gradual tapering of support over the next 2 years - 6 months notice with no changes, then 25% less for the next 6 months and further reductions every 6 months till it reaches zero - unless DC returns to full time education/training/apprenticeship work in which case support returns to 100% for the duration of said training before tapering off as above.

Of course it’s ridiculous and unsustainable. Ask your DH when it will change? He can’t keep ignoring this for a quiet life. You may have to be the ‘bad guy’ if he is too scared to change things. TELL him it must stop and to send the message today.

£1200 a month for doing fuck all? No wonder the lazy fucker won’t get their act together! If my husband was paying out that I’d be issuing ultimatums- stop giving them money or our marriage is over. And I say that as someone who has an ex who pays the bare minimum for our kids, who complains the whole time about it and as the mother of a child with significant LD who will almost definitely struggle to get and keep a job in the future.

Husband needs to tell them that next month is the last time they will get any money out of him- and mean it.

My DH gives me less than that (and earns more than 48k) while I have given up work to retrain for 6 months. He pays all our bills but I’m also very careful with this money and use it for my travel and lunches whilst retraining. It’s an absolute joke that your DH is paying toward an adult who is doing nothing to help themselves. It should stop immediately and said adult will learn that in order to live the way you want to you need to work. Their anxiety and depression will likely improve once they have a job. He’s doing dc no favours in the long term

He will get about £400 pm even with limited capacity to work on UC

Wow, he needs to stop, or massively reduce. His son needs to get a job. He is slogging his guts out working whilst they sit there and get benefits and his £1200. No. He has got to find his balls and prioritise his dependant children. He can give 3 months notice if it makes him feel better, but no way should he be paying for a 22yr old, and certainly not that much. If he really wants he could give £200 towards his expenses with his mum.

Hes more likely funding his ex here and shes responsible for herself as for his dc if he wants to give him something whilst he sorts himself out into a job thats fine but he needs to ensure that only the dc gets that money not the flaming ex are you sure he doesn't still have feelings for the ex op.

This is absolutely ludicrous and gives me rage on your behalf! This would be a deal breaker for me, and how you’ve continued for 4 years like this when he has no legal requirement to provide CM any more is beyond me.
I couldn’t continue in a relationship like that as the resentment would kill everything else.

To reframe this another way, I earn the same as your DH and £46k will give roughly £3k take home each month, which works out about £150 a day based on a 5 day week. That means that at the beginning of every month your DH gets up, gets himself to work and has to graft for 8 whole working days (over a week and a half) before he starts earning ANY money for himself / your family.
8 days of working hard all day, juggling family life, being tired and stressed, commuting… to give every penny of it to people who meanwhile are sitting at home all day with no responsibilities, no commitments and no effort towards anything, enjoying as much free time as they possibly want ? Really !?!!

This is utter madness. I couldn't be with someone so weak. He's burying his head rather than doing the right thing to get his son on track. £1200 isn't even affordable on £46k salary, so essentially you are also funding this insanity.

On a side note - is the money that is being received by the son/mother being declared in relation to any benefit that is being claimed - my guess would that it isn't.

Help them out by reporting it anonymously.

I couldn't live like this.

He needs to sit his ex and child down and explain that neither are living in the real world.

Child needs to start looking for a job and that dh will support them with this.

Depression and anxiety actually benefit from structure and routine so for the next month they need to concentrate on forming a routine for themself... getting up and dressed at a reasonable hour, some fresh air, focused work on looking to gain maths and English qualifications, a cv or job applications and no substances (if they do use) as that impacts mental health

If that seems too much for them, dh needs to support them in going to dr and getting more support for their mental health and claiming benefits whilst in treatment, but sitting at home for the next 20 years, whilst bankrolled by their dad is not an option

The ex needs to start funding their own lifestyle and is perfectly capable of doing this, just like other adults. Dh owes them nothing and I would suggest to dh that he tapers the payments down by 20% each month over the next 5 months so that ex can sort themselves a new source of income...thats plenty of time to find a job.

If they want to then come up with a sum to support adult childs living expenses whilst they live with mum, then they can work something out but that certainly doesn't need to be in thousands.

But more importantly, the adult child needs help with purpose and direction, not be enabled to sit at home gaming and on social media all day like they are at the moment. Chucking money at them is doing them no favours and they need the real world

Money should stop NOW.

He’s enabling his adult child to behave in this way. If they stopped receiving this payment, they’d be forced to get a job or sign on. I have no idea how UC works nowadays but I’d imagine they don’t just give it to any old Tom, dick and Harry so they’d have to prove they were unable to work - right? Meaning they’d also probably be forced to find a job since you acknowledge other than anxiety, there’s nothing wrong.

Also remember JSA being like £50 a week for a single person in the 00s, if it’s similar now then that really would be a drop in income. Either way, your DH is mad to still be paying so much.