Paying child support for a 22yr old

[Evilstepmum81]

Need some advice about my stepchild, as I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable or not. They are 22, not working (have never worked) but also not on benefits (yet), they didn’t finish school and now say they are too disabled to work and signing on the dole etc is “embarrassing”. They are able to socialize and take care of themselves etc and spend all day on their computer playing games and doing social media stuff so they are not incapacitated or incapable in any way in their day to day life. Their mother also doesn’t work and does claim benefits.

I’ve been on the scene 17 years so have been here a long time and helped or tried to help said child to get the skills needed for independence and self sufficiency. But they refuse to even try as they see their mum doing f all and getting on fine. My husband has continued paying child support even though legally he could have stopped at 18 as they are in uni or anything. It’s been nearly 4 years of extra payments in the hope this young adult gets their act together. They haven’t. And now I think the gravy train should stop and this young adult and their mother not receive child support any more.

My husband is scared of being the bad guy and his ex and child take full advantage of him. He pays them £1200 a month and he now earns a little over £46k so it’s a big chunk, which was agreed during mediation 10 years ago when he earned way more and we didn’t have our kids. He’s never changed the payments or missed any. I can’t grow his balls for him. But am I unreasonable to tell him to make arrangement to stop payments? We have 2 special needs kids ourselves now, I work full time, and could use the child support money to help pay for therapies etc instead of us having to go into debt to pay for these two adults. It’s so hard being a step parent. He’s a great dad and very supportive. And I applaud his commitment to his children. But he’s got to let this adult aged child figure stuff out for themselves now surely?

Yes, but you've literally made up random children and everything in this scenario 😂

Thats the allowance of a millionaires child at 21. It must be more than half your dh's wages.
Outrageous and not doing them any favours.
If they cant work they need to make a genuine claim for pip and if they can then they are just a lazy scumbag if they don't want to.

I agree this needs to stop. It's not fair to give one child so much of his salary ans not the others. I'd tell them that child support is meant to be until 18 or full time education and he has paid 4 years over. Drop £200 a month over the next 6 months or similar (would be handy if they had a birthday in the next few months as then he could day it was 5 years of extra payments). All he is doing by carrying on is enabling them to believe that life is good when they don't work.

They suffer from extreme lazyitis. No further analysis needed.

Lazyitis can only be cured by immediately stopping the funding.

You can't really help those who won't help themselves.

There’s zero incentive for either the mother or adult child to get a job and start supporting themselves if your husband keeps funding their lives. Sometimes people need to have the choice of whether to work or not taken away from them to get anywhere in life. He/she needs to have no choice but to get a job or not be able to afford to live. I think a harsh wake-up call is the only thing that’s going to get through to him/her. And sooner rather than later, the longer he/she lives like this the more entitled and set in their ways they will become. He/she might think they’ve got a sweet deal now but the dad’s really not doing his child any favours. They’ll end up depressed and lonely with zero self-esteem from not having any life purpose or skills.

That's basically a tax free salary he's being sent every month. No wonder this lazy bastard isn't bothering his arse to find a job. It's scandalous.

Clearly all your dh children have special needs.

Does your dh have communication needs as this is extreme, to say the least!

OP says he doesn’t qualify for PIP. If he’s getting GP treatment for anxiety and depression he won’t qualify on mental health grounds alone - he would need evidence of secondary care consultant led treatment. There’s a very high bar for stand alone MH conditions for PIP.

What difference does that make ?

What was there in any of OPs posts for you to base this claptrap on ?

There's nothing in the OP that suggests the son 'needs' help. The implications is he is deliberately choosing not to work and making zero effort to support himself. It would be awful parenting to support this attitude. I don't disagree he might need 'other' help. Sitting him down and helping him to understand that what he's doing is unsustainable although at 22, he may be beyond learning.

@Evilstepmum81 YANBU - I would be fuming especially as this is taking money away from therapies your DH other 2 children could be having and there is no plan in sight for this to end. If the adult child has no plans to work, which to be fair to them is the example they have been shown, then they live like someone who doesn’t work on UC - end of.

I would be suggesting an ultimatum of having a block of therapy paid for whilst they sign on, and then after that a much much much lesser stipend if they need it, if they decline therapy then they just have it reduced to whatever as a family you feel you can afford. They should have some savings if they’ve got no outgoings and receiving in excess of £1000 a month. Never heard anything like it

PIP is not an out of work benefit, it’s a disability benefit. OP has already said he doesn’t qualify - if he’s on Prozac, it’s likely GP prescribed for anxiety and depression. He would need proof of secondary mental health care to be considered for any PIP award for a stand alone mental health condition - the bar is very high. If DSS has never worked he won’t qualify for anything other than income related benefit - UC, and anything he does get will affect his mothers’ benefits. I’m wondering if she’s declaring DH’s payments to UC.

Your dh is adding to them being bone idle by funding his sons lifestyle. Tough love needed here. He needs to get off his arse and provide for himself. Your dc with special needs come first. You say you could do with that money he pays out to them for your children, so do it. If it causes any nastiness, which it probably will, it speaks for itself, his ds wants him for his monthly payouts and nothing more. Your dh has gone above a beyond , it's time the lazy sod sorted out his own life

When I first read the title and started reading I was wholly in the ‘it’s his kid and it’s up to him’ - BUT £1200 A MONTH!!!!!!!!

No that needs to stop. Right now. All that’s happening here is enabling his behaviour.

£200 a month my ex has got away with giving me. For 2 children. It’s either that or nothing as he hides his income.

No reasoning necessary. The boy and his mother are taking the piss. So yes, parenting does end at 18, where the child is being enabled to live a feckless and irresponsible life, dependent on others. He’s 22 and self diagnosed himself with mental health problems so he doesn’t have to work. What happens when he’s 32, 42, 52 ? Should DH still be supporting his lazy arse then?

What needs to happen is that that money stops now and is redirected towards OP’s kids who have real needs. DSS should then sign on with DWP for UC - income related will be all he’s entitled to - and a proper assessment of his ability to work, or otherwise, will follow. His benefits will be dependent on that, and engaging with looking for work. Time he got into the real world.

They should both apply for

Universal credit
Job seekers allowance
If they are unable to work, provide fit notes from doctor which will change to LWCRA

Or get jobs

In turn their National Insurance Contributions will be paid towards their state pensions & other benefits.

I have a friend who stopped paying anything to his ex in this situation. It wasnt as simple as everyone is making out. His ex at one point was really struggling, but she wouldn't ask DC to claim benefits. It was hard for my friend to not help (in fact i think he did as a one off)in this situation, but he wanted to encourage DC to work. Eventually DC did get a job.
Lots of engagement with DC is needed. Offers to help them claim benefits, fund their driving lessons or other education, fund travel to job interview or even fund something that DC enjoys and helps with mental health eg sport, but tell them that their living expenses are their responsibility and they need to contribute to mums household.

Get that stopped right now.

I think the amount he’s paying is immaterial. The point here is that OP and DH share children who have real and tangible needs, and that money needs to be directed at them. At the moment all DH is doing is enabling his son to be feckless and he will eventually be dependent on benefits if this isn’t nipped in the bud now.

WHAT!!!😱 1200 a month on 46k for a 22 year old😱. Woooow. Does the ex know how much he earns now?. Why is he earning much less now?

This ‘child’ needs some belated proper parenting, not an unearned paycheck.

if the money is paid to his mother stop now. If it is paid to the son you must negotiate a change eg he works 1/2/3 days a week and you will give him £50 for 6months then he must get into a training scheme. You are subsidising his future mental health problems -and health problems by paying him for being idle.

It’s madness and you all know it. I’d say tell the ‘child’ and his mother now that the last payment will be May - give them time to put into place an application for benefits or attempt to find work.