Paying child support for a 22yr old

[Evilstepmum81]

Need some advice about my stepchild, as I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable or not. They are 22, not working (have never worked) but also not on benefits (yet), they didn’t finish school and now say they are too disabled to work and signing on the dole etc is “embarrassing”. They are able to socialize and take care of themselves etc and spend all day on their computer playing games and doing social media stuff so they are not incapacitated or incapable in any way in their day to day life. Their mother also doesn’t work and does claim benefits.

I’ve been on the scene 17 years so have been here a long time and helped or tried to help said child to get the skills needed for independence and self sufficiency. But they refuse to even try as they see their mum doing f all and getting on fine. My husband has continued paying child support even though legally he could have stopped at 18 as they are in uni or anything. It’s been nearly 4 years of extra payments in the hope this young adult gets their act together. They haven’t. And now I think the gravy train should stop and this young adult and their mother not receive child support any more.

My husband is scared of being the bad guy and his ex and child take full advantage of him. He pays them £1200 a month and he now earns a little over £46k so it’s a big chunk, which was agreed during mediation 10 years ago when he earned way more and we didn’t have our kids. He’s never changed the payments or missed any. I can’t grow his balls for him. But am I unreasonable to tell him to make arrangement to stop payments? We have 2 special needs kids ourselves now, I work full time, and could use the child support money to help pay for therapies etc instead of us having to go into debt to pay for these two adults. It’s so hard being a step parent. He’s a great dad and very supportive. And I applaud his commitment to his children. But he’s got to let this adult aged child figure stuff out for themselves now surely?

Bloody hell fire!! 😂😂

How the fuck did you come up with this utter nonsense from reading the OPs post?? I seriously hope you don’t armchair diagnose people like this in the real world…you must be exhausting to be around! 🥴

He's paying his child a whole ass salary to do nothing. Thats madness.

OP…time for a serious chat with your husband. This can’t go on! It’s ultimatum time now I feel.

Can you talk to him and persuade him to reduce the payments (now he is able to claim benefits) rather than stop altogether? That may be an easier pill to swallow

I think it’s more about lazy fuckers doing fuck all.

I'm surprised that this isn't a deal breaker for you.

This really does need to stop, it is not sustainable and is totally unnecessary. He is doing the 22 yr old no favours by bank rolling him every month. What would your DH do if there was a massive change in his own circumstances, ie you stopped working, he stopped working?
DH has to cease these payments and my advice would be advise his ex and DS of his decision to reduce them gradually by one third over the next three months and then stop them completely. This gives them time to formulate a plan and for DS to start looking for alternatives

As a pragmatic suggestion - hopefully everyone involved will realise that this ends at sone point.

A way to make that transition smoother as an adjustment could be to phase it down. Stepping down by £100 a month (or £50 a month)

I had a very similar experience with my brother in law. My MIL doesn’t work, he adopted the same attitude. Severe ADHD was behind a lot of the issues for both of them.
autistic/aaDHD couples are surprisingly common.
both ADHD and autism are highly hereditary, hence my armchair diagnosis of the OP’s kids.

If you can’t talk to your DH about this, then you’re being a mug as much as he is. How long is he going to fund him for? And what when your children need something? You need to stand up for them as much as anything.

He’s enabling their free life. They absolutely should both be working and not enjoying your husbands money.
in the long term he’s doing them no favours - my dh did stop full maintenance at the right time but because of the amount its taught his dd that work is options and she’s opted out

Of course she knew he had a (large) obligation to his eldest son... but that should never be INDEFINITE. Maintenance generally stops at 18 or when finished education, whichever comes later. The OPs stepchild is 22 and not in full time education. So it's not unreasonable that the contribution to said adult child would reduce.

Agree

OP needs to manage the husband to manage the “child” and this may be more palatable for him

It must be a worry for him, what’s to become of this 22 year old with severe MH issues! I think tough love is needed but they should have been managing and teaching this child valuable life skills from an earlier age

Do you charge for your extremely random, wild and pretty irrelevant diagnoses?

Everyone assumes the 22 year old is a son, not daughter. Why is that?

Well it should be a deal breaker. Time his child signs on. Isn’t it just as embarrassing living on handouts from her/his dad?!

@Evilstepmum81 a lot of the step parent posts are un reasonable (this one isn’t ) I have had a step parent and I’ve been one.

I think this is utter madness and it would be a deal breaker for me .
He is enabling the ex and the son . There is no need .
He needs to tell son the money is stopping and he will have support in other ways but it won’t be to that amount , and only when he starts helping himself . For example towards driving lessons or a bus pass for work or a passport to go somewhere with friends (that he makes at a new job )

He has no motivation. Neither the mother or father are helping this young lad .

Good point . I thought I read it . Maybe not .

Could you point out to your DH (as calmly as you can manage) that if anything were to happen to him that money would cut off very abruptly and it might be kinder to his DC to taper it off slowly so they can made adjustments rather than have it all cease at once?

He might see the sense in that, although you might have to deal with him tapering it off by a fiver a year...

Your DH is being completely and utterly unreasonable.
He is effectively forcing his current wife to work extremely hard and no doubt increase her levels of stress a lot (full time job and caring for two DC with special needs is no picnic!) in order to fund his possibly lazy ex partner and certainly lazy adult child. He is also doing his other DC a huge dis-service. They are materially missing out because his doesn't have the balls and sense to stop this payment.
Apart from causing his family to suffer, he isn't even helping his other DC and ex. They have no pressure whatsoever to take any responsibility for themselves and neither of them have done so over many years. Sometimes tough love is the best approach and he has failed miserably to do this.

You really need to talk to him @Evilstepmum81. If he won't listen to your perspective, when you have been patient with this crazy arrangement for years, I think it's a deal breaker. He is treating you with real disdain and has no regard for your energy levels, stress levels, general well being nor the well being of your DC.

That is crazy, and he needs to stop. Unless he is wanting to pay this forever? What is going to change in the next few years? Nothing.

My DM supported my DS all his working life as he got jobs and then gave them up after a couple of weeks when he got fed up. This has gone on for years- he's in his 50s now and my DM has sadly passed away. We discovered she supported him a lot more than we knew. DB looks to my DF who will be 90 next year for money now. You dont want to into get into that situation. So stressful for my DF as DS just expects it and isn't particularly grateful for the support.

If they can’t claim PIP it’s likely because the depression and anxiety are being treated by medication/therapy via GP. Only those involved with 2nd line consultant led mental health services can qualify - and then it’s very difficult, they have to show a high level of impairment affecting daily life.

Sorry but £1200 a month for a grown adult who has certified themselves as unfit for work is a giant piss take. I wouldn’t be tapering anything, I’d be stopping it dead and forcing them to take responsibility for themselves. The mother sounds feckless so I would imagine once the gravy train stops, she will be more amenable to them finding work. You need to get your DH on board, because not only would the money be better spent on your own children’s extra needs, but he’s actually facilitating his own child’s fecklessness and failure to launch.

That’s insane. If I were you I’d reduce your work hours, and force your DH to stop the payments because you need the money for your own family

let me tell you something about MN…other people’s lived-experiences, opinions, perceptions can help people in the middle of problems they don’t how to solve. Sometimes they’re completely wrong random armchair diagnoses that they can ignore . Sometimes it’s a lightbulb moment. Nobody knows, but I thought my opinion based on lived experience with my BIL / MIL might help.

It’s absolutely ridiculous OP and should stop
immediately- you are subsidising two adults to be bone idle.