Paying child support for a 22yr old

[Evilstepmum81]

Need some advice about my stepchild, as I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable or not. They are 22, not working (have never worked) but also not on benefits (yet), they didn’t finish school and now say they are too disabled to work and signing on the dole etc is “embarrassing”. They are able to socialize and take care of themselves etc and spend all day on their computer playing games and doing social media stuff so they are not incapacitated or incapable in any way in their day to day life. Their mother also doesn’t work and does claim benefits.

I’ve been on the scene 17 years so have been here a long time and helped or tried to help said child to get the skills needed for independence and self sufficiency. But they refuse to even try as they see their mum doing f all and getting on fine. My husband has continued paying child support even though legally he could have stopped at 18 as they are in uni or anything. It’s been nearly 4 years of extra payments in the hope this young adult gets their act together. They haven’t. And now I think the gravy train should stop and this young adult and their mother not receive child support any more.

My husband is scared of being the bad guy and his ex and child take full advantage of him. He pays them £1200 a month and he now earns a little over £46k so it’s a big chunk, which was agreed during mediation 10 years ago when he earned way more and we didn’t have our kids. He’s never changed the payments or missed any. I can’t grow his balls for him. But am I unreasonable to tell him to make arrangement to stop payments? We have 2 special needs kids ourselves now, I work full time, and could use the child support money to help pay for therapies etc instead of us having to go into debt to pay for these two adults. It’s so hard being a step parent. He’s a great dad and very supportive. And I applaud his commitment to his children. But he’s got to let this adult aged child figure stuff out for themselves now surely?

I think you’re in a tricky situation- but maybe start with small steps could he scale it back a bit say give her notice it needs to go down to a grand in a couple of months?

also at the moment it sounds like you’re bearing the load of the subsidy and he carries on as usual. Maybe you can find a subtle way that he is impacted by the subsidy he gives his child

perhaps if you present the issue to him in a different way that it’s not about taking their money away it’s about encouraging independence and he could fund other things maybe like driving lessons…/ deposit on a rented flat..or even ask him to solve the problem of treating all his children equally. But give him time to think about it.

I think it would be sad for it to cause problems in your relationship but if you can find a way to pass responsibility to him / for him to carry more of the load in making financial decisions for you all maybe it will help him realise it’s not sustainable and in their best interests to help set them up for adult hood

As I suspected, you are stressed and worn out and your DC are missing out.
Your 'D'H may feel that he doesn't want to be the bad guy but he is being exactly that!

It is a very sad situation for you but not because YABU at all. Would you consider showing him this thread?

This.

My dad's half brother almost certainly has autism. He has nearly always lived with his parents. My dad for years quietly tried to tell his dad and step mum they needed to address this, get a diagnosis and start to put things into place so when they died he could cope.

They didn't.

And now both are dead.

My dad is in his 70s. His half brother is coming up to 50. He isn't coping properly with living independently. So shit is slowly hitting the fan and is likely only to get worse. But he's not yet in a state where social services will end up getting involved. It will happen eventually. It's an inevitability.

He's functional enough that if it had been addressed sooner he wouldn't be in the mess he is to the degree he is. He had enough ability to hold down a job and live independently in his 20s. Then they moved and it all went to shit. He quit his job and moved with them and never re-established his life. His mother just did everything for him.

He's trying to sell the house and downsize but it's in a state and no one is interested. He won't drop the price much to my dad's frustration. He can't afford to keep it on. So eventually the money will run out too.

His parents carrying on for years enabling him not to learn has created an all together worse situation.

In theory once my parents are gone I become next of kin. My parents have said not to make contact precisely because they don't want me to be burdened by him in future and that's an additional worry for them.

This is effectively similar to the shitshow your husband is building up for the future. A man who not only won't try but genuinely then can't cope because he's never been taught to cope properly.

Now is the time to teach him this. To get him to navigate the benefits system if he needs it and be able to fend for himself. Otherwise the shit will hit the fan when your DH is gone. And who is going to cop for that? Maybe you but definitely his siblings.

Pretending you can carry on like this and it doesn't have consequences is not being a good parent. It's setting your kid up for a crash in the future because you've been too cowardly to deal with it because it's difficult. Your DH needs to get on top of things now for the sake of his son. It's a tough love situation which sets him up for life before the situation gets worse. And it will.

As I say "What's his exit strategy?" He's not immortal and he won't live forever.

They're not saints, they're mugs.

People always assume that men often neglect their 'first family children' when they start a second family, but more and more I read that the reverse is true. There's often so much (misplaced) guilt involved, that rather than divide time and resources appropriately, everything is channelled towards the first children, and its the second children who get less of everything in pursuit of this, and somehow its supposed to be ok 'because they live with their Dad.'

I realise this thread is about adults, not children, but the same principle applies

Your DH is absolutely insane.

£57,600 he has paid to his lazy son and ex-wife over the last four years.

Put that total figure in front of him - and then proceed to tell him how much that amount of money could have helped your children over the last four years.

Your DH needs to come to his senses pretty sharpish!

Lazy, work-shy people will continue being lazy, work-shy people - as long as someone else is daft enough to keep giving them money!

No, I was a benefit adviser and latterly a disability outreach worker and my area is UC and disability benefits. I’ve worked with the PIP system since 2013, applying, appealing and supporting at tribunal.

Ah ok thank you. I find a lot of it very confusing. It's really hard to be disabled.

Wow, it's the the OP's stepson's got a Mumsnet login.
😂